I know most of us are quick to say we don't lack empathy: We can show compassion for how other people feel. I have no doubt this is true, but Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success (Karl Albrecht) provided a different angle: empathy is the building of closeness and friendship between people; its polar opposite is antipathy, and the neutral state between the two is apathy. Empathy is complicated and requires knowing how to make other people feel comfortable and esteemed in a social interaction. Empathy is also a long-term investment that cannot be sustained through the occasional "dose of charm." I want to reemphasize that I do not believe we aspies are lacking in our concern for the needs, thoughts, desires, and goals of other people; our problem may be picking up on them or knowing how to express our empathy.
Karl Albrecht wrote a chapter specifically dealing with empathy, and I think some of its suggestions may be very helpful for aspies struggling with social interactions. Other sections, such as the one on authenticity, might be less useful.
Albrecht devised a table showing common behaviors and attitudes that destroy empathy (i.e., toxic behaviors) and others that build it up. Toxic behaviors are mainly inflexibility and an abrasive, offputting manner. They include things like excessive criticism, joking too much, etc. Empathy-building behaviors are things like openness and pacing behaviors.
Pacing may be an important one. The idea is that the Golden Rule, "Do unto others what you would like them to do unto you," rests on a fallacy: that other people want exactly what you want. Pacing is a good way of keeping a social interaction comfortable for everyone involved. Pacing involves not racing ahead of the other person, metaphorically. For example, some people feel that using profanity builds a sort of solidarity and so on, but other people are just offended by it because of their religious beliefs. The concept of pacing means that a person would not use profanity until the other person does—thus pacing their tone of interaction.
One exercise Albrecht recommended for increasing empathy is observation: Observe someone who functions poorly with others, and observe someone who interacts well with others. Take note of what they are doing right or wrong. Think of things they could do to improve. The idea is we might start thinking about these behaviors in relation to ourselves and become better aware of what we ourselves are doing right or wrong.
Another point Albrecht makes is that people need affirmation. This can be as simple as a nod and a short phrase to show attentiveness during a conversation. It also includes using open postures and body language that encourage approachability and friendliness. These are difficult for aspies and others with nonverbal communication deficits as well as more introverted personalities in general who may not display as much of the emotion they feel as extraverts naturally do. Albrecht opines that showing even a little more animation in a social interaction can do wonders to improve how other people think of us, and this means they will find friendship and other forms of relationship to be more satisfying.
The last problem Albrecht addressed that I wish to mention is the "stone face." It conveys coldness, formality, and suppressed emotions to the general population. He mentioned an experiement where people were required to maintain a flat affect during a social interaction; these people were rated as less attentive, less friendly, and uninterested in the conversation than the control group. We aspies tend to have this flat affect, so it's important that we are aware of its ill effects and how it may set us back from achieving our social goals.
14 Jan 2006, 3:09 pm
