a knot in my throat

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anxiety about going back to work
my dream, my project blowing up in my face
too much to do, too many things to remember
a really hard thing to do that could either be happy or sad

i see that people with AS have friends
i see that people with AS have jobs
wives
children
connections

i feel like the worst case asper
people can't touch me
i don't speak a language people understand
i am so highly ambivalent i am paralyzed in social interactions
i can't follow a conversation at "normal" speed
my house is a disaster from the things i have collected
i offend people and never learn why
i have rubbed my head bald in one place from stimming
i am geeky even for a geek
mental health professionals tell me i am not AS so i can't ask for help
i just don't get it

i don't know how to fix it
i should know how to fix it
i am an adult
i am old enough
i am experienced

i am wandering around the internet trying to get help
talk about lame

i wish with all my heart that i am catastrophizing and that everything really is going to be alright.
i wish i believed that.

i have a knot in my throat.

Well, I believe that you can do it and it's just understandable jitters (it woudl be surprising if you WEREN'T worried). And, as someone who is much older and wiser than you, you have to believe me.

Umm, OK, scratch that last. I'm younger and only a wise-ass. But listen to this next bit anyway:

You've been kind of in limbo for awhile. The internet is a limbo-people haven. ((I mean no pun on the forum name.)) Don't judge your net behavior by the ruler of someone who has an active job that they can go to. See how you do once you're back in the swing of the job thing.

Beyond that: Even if you do use the net a lot, who gives a crap? If you can get your job done, and well, and the net is something you enjoy using as a form of support, then that's not something wrong with you, it's just your preferred support system. ((Considering the fiasco that happened with your real-life support system it's pretty freaking understanable that you would use the net a lot for support, may I add. Perhaps even logical.))

P.S. You're totally allowed to stress out. You are allowed to stress so much that cortisol levels go up and you wind up with hips so wide people think you're the world's first pregnant man. You're also allowed to tell me I'm an a--h--- for saying that but I hope it make you smile at least.

hey! you're going to be ok....we all have confidence in you. i know how hard it is for my hubby, parts, when his anxiety is escalating~everything seems insurmountable. for him, the best things to do at those times is to crawl into bed with his headphones, pillows, blankets and of course a little extra anxiety med..........hope you feel better soon.

Monday will be tough. You are allowed to stress over it. As Serissa said, there would be something seriously wrong if you where not stressing.

We know you can do. YOU know you can do it. You have been sucessful at your job for a long time. Don't let the others convince you otherwise.

Many, many people will be sending support you to on Monday. If you get weary, think of your friends here. We may be on-line friends but that doesn't diminish the warm thoughts or caring feelings we have for you.

And if all else fails, try to imagine your co-workers sitting there in their underware whilst you are fully dressed. That ought to knock them down a few pegs.

Barb

But it has to be boxers with little hearts on them. For the men and women both. Don't picture sexy underwear, that's too distracting.

Seriously, as Beebee said, do remember you've got us rooting for you/believing in you.

hugs, chocolates, giggles, more hugs, crossed fingers, more chocolate, yohoho and a bottle of rum...

and even more hugs.

/me waves HUGE banner "Go, Neuroman!"

ROFLOL! that is the best medicine!
it probably would give them some ammunition as i would not be able to keep from chuckling...hm. polka dots, i think. purple polka dots.
i ought to try giggling - that really would unnerve them. there is chocolate in my desk i am sure...a fellow and i used to trade and eat dark chocolate when we were stressed out. he got some kind of boost from it. did nothing for me but the solidarity was nice. he doesn't work there anymore. they did a similar thing to him and he quit.

again, thanks all for your support. i am hoping that they will not be standing at the door of my office all day so that i can get on the internet and have a little WP with me during the day. if i can get on i'll let you know how its going.

Well Mondays going fast I hope it was OK for Neuroman....

Sending you Wine and Chocolate and hugs.