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activebutodd
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01 Jul 2009, 8:10 am

Smiling doesn't come easy to me, I have the aspie stare. But I guess bash a square peg hard enough and it'll fit a round hole.



Sallamandrina
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04 Jul 2009, 9:14 pm

Michjo wrote:
This is something that confuses me, i know i'm not very approachable, people tell me i'm not very approachable and it's obvious to me why that would be so. Yet everytime i go out, i DO get approached by people, yet friends and family members who are much more approachable seem to get approached less.


I thought I was the only one. Those who know me - but not very well - think I'm unapproachable because I'm very private. This doesn't happen with strangers - also small children and animals seem to like me.


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activebutodd
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05 Jul 2009, 4:22 am

Maybe we're all just that awesome :wink: Go Aspies!



fernie
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05 Jul 2009, 6:19 pm

Yep,
"approachable"
I am new to this group and have just been peeking and browsing on this site.
What astonishes me is that whatever is true for one Aspie, the opposite seems to be true for some other.

I seem to have "approachable" or "happy to help" or "if the staff haven't a clue ask me" written on my forehead or something.
Strangers ask me for help and advice even when there is sales staff around.
I had to bin my favourite red shell-jacket because it looks kind of like a staff uniform in too many shops and at the petrol station.
It was seriously embarrassing when I was still working as a nursing assistant for an agency and any relatives visiting the ward kept making a beeline for me to talk to the "nurse in charge" - which apparently was me.
Then there was the woman at the garden centre who ignored 3 sales assistants and asked me what variety of potting compost I would recommend. I told her: Sorry I don't work here. She said: I know, but you look like the kind of person to ask.
There are staff outside the supermarket tidying up the trolleys, but guess who the old lady picks to untangle her trolley?
The list is endless and indeed I am happy to help, but it still puzzles me every time it happens.

Glorious Aspie moment with this:
I am shopping on our local high street and the traffic lights at the main crossing are broken.
An old lady stops me and asks me: Are you going to cross the road?
Aspie answer: No, I am going round the corner.
And I shake my head. I don't know this lady, why did she ask me that? Why? Oh, duh, she was really looking for somebody to cross the road with her because she is frail and insecure. I am well round the corner when i twig it, but I go back and the poor lady is still stuck at the kerb. I now notice that she is also almost completely blind, so she really cannot cross the road on her own because she cannot see if the road is clear or not. So I stop the traffic for her and help her across. Never thought I would do that, collect scout brownie points by helping old ladies across the road :-)

So at first I thought I was being approached so often because I am tall and have a straight body posture and am alert (competent) looking when in a public space, yet female and therefore unthreatening.
But as the incident with the blind lady demonstrates, it cannot be my posture, as she could not really see me.
I try to make sense of it by thinking that it must be some invisible vibe of compassion and competence that I radiate or something.

Yeurgh, there I go, first posting on wrongplanet and I already make myself sound like some kind of buddha.

I do struggle with reading body language and all that non-verbal jazz, but with me it usually starts to cause problems later, on closer acquaintance. I just seem to be very happy most of the time and when I go out of the house, my smile usually just spills over onto everybody I happen to come across, so folks smile back and are nice to me, which makes me smile even more.

Oh by the way, I am a self-diagnosed Aspie (there is no specialist in my healthcare region (South Wales) that my doctor can refer me to and he is not authorized to refer me to London for example) and a buddhist. I don't really wear my religion on my sleeve, but it gives an interesting angle to this amazing approachability phenomenon that I and some others here experience.

Aspies often have a high capacity for compassion. Compassionate people are more likely to help you or listen to your troubles.
And I believe that humans have a sixth sense that they pick those vibes up with.
I believe that this phenomenon is beyond the mere mechanics of posture, body language or eye contact.
For lack of better words, I believe this kind of communication comes straight from the heart/soul and bypasses all this social stuff completely, and goes straight to the next level of human awareness.

I find myself mostly on the fringe of any social group. Until the s**t hits the fan. Then I get to hear it all.
The explanation I used to give myself for this was, that as a marginalized group member it is easier for people to disclose their distress and fears to me since I am a low ranking animal and therefore they do not experience the same embarrassment/loss of face that such disclosure would cause if they talked to someone higher up the pecking order.
However of late I have begun to look at it from a different angle. I don't do small talk. I only talk about "serious" stuff. I am possibly the only person these people know who is not only able to endure the life and death questions, but who now and again even has the answer.

Make any sense?



Sallamandrina
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05 Jul 2009, 7:37 pm

Welcome to WP, fernie, nice first post.

I also found myself being confided in quite often and I think your idea is correct. I don't do small talk and I never gossip - discretion is hard to come across these days.

And yes, most people seem to go to incredible (for me) lengths to avoid any unpleasant or "serious" subject, so that might be a factor too.


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Last edited by Sallamandrina on 09 Jul 2009, 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

activebutodd
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06 Jul 2009, 7:32 am

Yes, nice post fernie. It can't be any happy smile for me, because normally my face is creepily blank, glowering, or I'm giggling manically to myself.

But on the rare occasion I have social contact, I'm the one that sometimes gets confided in. I think it's because I'm so serious and shy that they know I won't mock, and if they know much about me they know I've been through a lot and will understand and most likely even have some answers. Also I don't really do fluffy talk so people probably think I can handle the serious stuff.