Just Existing: A Sensory Overdose

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So...as much as I have asperger's, I also have sensory defensiveness. Lately my senses have just been...intollerable. It's just been...so overwhelming. Noise. Lack of space in my house, especially now that my brother's home from school and has brought home all his s**t, which of course takes up most of the space in our bedroom and a large chunk of our living room. Other peoples' (meaning my brothers' and my dads') tendency to forget to clean up after themselves, throw away used klenex, put away disguisting food that they've left on kitchen counters, what not. Smells. That goddamn taste in my throat that I get whenever I eat anything, which won't go away for hours, triggered by all that goddamn phlegm in my throat that never goes away no matter how much of it I cough up or how many piece of s**t meds I take to try getting rid of it, as perscribed by doctors who have no f*****g idea what it is other than "allergies" (possibly triggered by the mildew in my bedroom which never goes away because the air filters we get for it never seem to work, and always just f*****g smell awful and make clicking noises without improving the condiitons), or thinking it's reflux even when I specifically say it's not because there's no burning, only a lot of phlegm. The sound people make when they're bitching. The constant bouts of annoying sounds my dog Bear makes 5-10 times a f*****g day. The way my other 2 dogs Tundra and Coco have bouts of barking everytime the house is quiet, because the quietness of the house causes them to hear things outside and thus they feel compelled to bark at them, usually with a very sudden and startling beginning, and usually going on for two minutes, to slowly fade away with more sudden barks, and then to start up again a few minutes later. The way it sounds when people laugh and the way it feels when they're happy and laughing and I'm in a bad mood. My dog Bear's smell. The smell of my family's food. My dad's lunches. The strong stench of certain kinds of pizza I wish I could stand being in the same room as, much less enjoy. The way we always seem to be out of something, and I always have trouble figuring out what I'm going to have by dinner because I'm so damn limited. The way even things I do like taste. The way I'm always so f*****g itchy. The way the side of my head is itchy at the same time as my cheek, my ankle, my eyebrow, my arm, my shoulder, my toe, and my scalp. The way the itchiness always seems to get worse the more pissed off I am. The way I always get hot because I scratch myself so much. The way I get cold, then put on a sweater, then get hot, and take it off, only to get cold again as soon as it's off. The way my back aches if I stand, and the way it aches when I sit, and the way it aches when I lie down. The way my body refuses to be still, even when it's exhausted. The way my eyes always want to shut when the light is on, and the way they always want to be wide open when it's dark. The way my shoulder aches because I've been moving my arm so much to scratch the constant itchy places. The way it literally makes my head hurt to look straight at someone when I'm talking to them, and the way it makes me feel guilty and think I seem dishonest when I look away from them a lot. The way people always stand in doorways, right in the middle, always talking to someone from the other end so I can't interrupt with an "excuse me" without feeling guilty about it. The way you can never wait for them because they always take so long and are always so oblivious to your presence and need to get through to the f*****g door. The way my throat always feels dry even after I've drunken lots and lots and lots of water. The way my hair refuses to be tamed. The way my weak hands always have to take so long to turn the computer room light off, and the way it makes my fingers hurt to do so. The way it's the same for my bedroom window. The way it hurts my eyes to look at lights, and the way it's even worse when it's dark with one light on. The way my feet and legs get restless and want to move. The way my wrists feel sore after too much typing. The way the water on my back feels like dull knives when I take showers, and the way I always have to take such long showers because I always take so long to get the tempetature and pressure tollerable enough to continue, and because it always takes me so long to get shampoo out of my hair, and because I keep having to dart forward, away from the water, because my dad's making his coffee and using hot water from the kitchen sink makes the shower water too f*****g cold. The way I try writing something only to accidentally stab my finger with the pen. The way my hands shake whenever I talk to people I don't know very well, and the way they always get so cold whenever the rest of my body is hot....

The way music sounds when it's played on my brother's "high quality" speakers, the way it always seems so tainted by an underlying bass and "duuuuuuuuuuuuuu" humming white noise. The way my brother complains to me for liking my "sh***y laptop speakers" better, and repeatedly bombards me with, "You're missing out." The way he acts so f*****g arrogant about it when to me it sounds so awful. The way that totally contradicts some of his other behavior, like when he goes through extreme emotional bouts of low self-esteem. The way he drums on things. The way I have to tell him to be quiet three or four times for him to do so. The way he seems to continue doing his seemingly-intentionally bad singing or drumming (or both at once) in some malicious response to my, "Can you stop that?" or "Please shut up!" depending on my mood and how many times he's done it, and the way he just obviously doesn't care that it pisses me off even if he isn't doing it to piss me off. The way my dad a complete a**hole when he's angry and the way he's an annoying loud prick when he's happy. The way he expects my brother to LEARN to clean up his trash even though I've been telling him to for years and years and years; the way my dad thinks that jus nagging someone enough about one of their habbits will get them to change that; the way he angrilly insists, "He will" with cold but quiet aggression; the way he tells me to calm down when I explain to him that oftentimes people don't learn no matter how many times they're nagged; the way I've always nagged to him about changing certain habbits as much as my brother, and the way he hasn't changed a single one. The way people ALWAYS say, "That smells so good!" whenever I have raisin toast. The way people ALWAYS say, "BEAUTIFUL day!" whenever it's f*****g sunny out, and the way it hurts my eyes to even look outside, even with sunglasses. The way I remember all these things even when they aren't happening, just because I felt them earlier or they happened earlier, and the way just remembering them can be enough to piss me off if I'm already experiencing 10 others.

I try so hard to tollerate life and to stay calm, to be a nice person to be around...I try so hard to not get angry. But you can't say I don't have a good temper when it takes about 10-15 annoying things at once to set me off. It just doesn't seem like it because I have about 7 of them annoying me at every second of every minute of every hour of my life. And you tell me that if you were dealing with 7 things that seriously annoyed you all at once for every moment of your life, that you wouldn't blow up a lot too. Especially when you factor in all the other miseries life provides. Especially when you factor in the extreme depression caused by a completely miserable social life. Especially when no matter what you do to make things better, they only get worse. Especially when you have no idea what to do to make your life slightly more tollerable, and especially when you want so much to be a nicer and less angry person but can't be because there's always so, so, SO many things pissing you off and completely overwhelming you all at once, and especially when you can't even tell people about them because they don't want to hear about it, and just want you to shut the f**k up. Especially when you want yourself to shut the f**k up, but have trouble doing so, and especially when you always feel like a f*****g a**hole after every goddamn thing you do because you can never figure out how to deal with what seems like a thousand problems at once, because they're a thousand at once. Especially when the only things in the world that ever really bring you any f*****g joy are things that take you out of the world.

I HATE HAVING ASPERGER'S!! ! I hate it so, so f*****g much. I hate merely existing, I don't have a real friend in the world, and I won't feel like I've done a goddamn thing to conquer this disability until I make some. But I don't want to inflict my constant frustrations and sometimes-nonstop stream of drama and limitations on anyone else. I'm depressed when I'm around other people because other people always piss me off so much, but depressed when I'm alone because I don't have any real human connection in my life. Not unless you count friendships based on instant messaging and emails and all that BS. That doesn't cut it, it really doesn't.

I hate living here, but I'd hate dorm life more. I'm terrified of college, not because of the work but because I'm afraid my social life will be even more limited. From what I've heard, the school I'm going to isn't exactly the sort of school you make a lot of friends at, even for normal people. But if you don't make friends in college, where do you? Where do you meet those people who you're supposed to be friends with--or in certain cases more than that--for the rest of your life?

I can understand what you're going through. There are times when I feel like life is plainly miserable, not so much because of all the invading senses as you describe, but because the world is just so damn unstructured and I can't handle it. I sometimes just want to grab something and smash it to a thousand little pieces. And when I do try to structure myself, I then find out I just forgot something and forgot to do something, and I just want to rip the clothes off my back.

Just today, I had an appointment to see a counselor for a DVR program. I left an hour early, which was plenty of enough time to get there. Halfway there, I forgot to bring the records. So, I called up the girl and said I would have to schedule the appointment for half an hour later. I had to come up with some excuse, so I said that I had to get the records from school since they couldn't copy all of them the day before. I already had them, but I didn't want her to feel I was so damn disorganized. So, she agreed. I then had to speed like hell home and then back, which I didn't really speed all that fast, but I was just so nervous. I got there earlier than expected after all, and I was just so nervous that I tried not to let it show. I calmed down after a while, but still. There are times it sucks.

Just this afternoon, once I got home, I'm sitting here on the computer reading some stuff online. My father works shift work, so he sleeps during the day quite a bit. The problem is that when he sleeps, he tends to cough a lot on occasion. And that is something that I can not stand. He coughs a few times, but then he seems to cough a lot more than usual. Now, I'm sitting here, mumbling for him to just shut up already. I know he can't, but it's so annoying when I'm trying to read something. He does it a few times more, and I start trembling. I'm like ready to slam my hands down on the desk. I get up and go into my room. I sit there for a few minutes and get myself together. All is fine after that.

Yes, life can drive me nuts. I wish I never had to feel anything. Negative emotions annoy me. Anger, unpleasantness, it all feels like one same feeling. I don't say that I don't enjoy life, however. I just wish I could live alone, where nobody would ever bother me, and that would be that. But, life doesn't work that way. So, life can suck. But I still think of the positive traits that I do have, the things that make me strive forward to actually make something of myself. I think you should, too.

- Ray M -

I know that there's definately some positive traits. Just recently I finished the first draft of a novel I'd been writing for 2 and a half or so years, and I've been getting a lot of praise for the artwork I've been doing in the art classes I'm taking (for fun and to keep my brain busy). But just living is so hard, and I'm always pissing so many people off because of my inability to cope with it all when too many little things add up. I have this...endless pile of actions and words I've done and said and feel totally guilty about because they've pissed somebody off so much.

Ditto to a lot of the sensory things. I don't feel it that extreme though. But I know how irritating it can get - especially the itchiness that seems to attack at your most frustrated moments. And I know how horrible it is that everyone thinks you're just "being stupid" for feeling like that and needing whatever it is to stop happening and everyone just staring at you as if you are insane. It's hard finding people who "understand" or more so "accept" such things..

Making friends is hard for everyone, I know alot of people who haven't yet made a new friend at uni, and they aren't completely unsocial nor are they opposed to the idea. They've tried. The best thing to do is just keep trying and don't give up on it. No matter how pointless it seems it will eventually pay off because you will make one friend. And from that confidence; a few more.

I hope things start looking a little brighter (not literally) soon.

I know how you feel. I get that way sometimes, too, and it's hell living with other people when they aggravate it. On the other hand, when all that stuff is bothering me I am not easy to live with either. Hang in there. Maybe you could get your family to give you an area of the house where they can't intrude and fix it up so it's more comfortable so you could go there and chill out? It doesn't work in my house=we are too crowded. I'm considering a tent or shed. Maybe there will be aspects of college that you will like. I hope it works out for you.

I can relate SOO much. I can relate so much to sensory issues giving you such hell that you can never just sit down and be comfortable. esp the sweatshirt on and off, do that all the time; and the sun and so many other things. i dont think ive ever related to a post as much as yours.
It could have been me writing that so easily. Thank you for writing it. It was exactly what i would have said for the most part. i know what you mean you try so hard but just get screwed.

i would write more but guess what?

my hands are hurting from typing, lol , sound familiar?

good luck. i share your frustration

oh btw college - if you choose the right one it can be socially the best time of your life
i have many social issues but was able to make many friends and acquantances at college, wasnt lonely , or as lonely


Kate

Ugh, tell me about it. I just started this new job, caravan-making, and every moment there's another sensation that just totally f***s me up. It's terrible.