I Like Him...Now What?

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I'm almost 100% positive that he's an Aspie, too. I've observed him for over two years now. I see many signs. We've not talked much, but we eye each other constantly (and look away as soon as the other person has noticed they are being ogled). He's definitely not at ease socializing with people, avoids it for the most part (except when he needs to talk to someone about something at work) and I've noticed that the only person he seems to spend time with is his dog. We live in a very small community, and I have always seen him alone. He always says 'hi' to me in his monotone way, and I say 'hello' back (can't get the eye contact going, though, his eyes cut through things like lasers and I swear I feel them piercing my insides when I look into them at all). I think something may be going on that I am interested in pursuing.

What kind of experiences have you ladies had with this...specifically where you are an Aspie and he is, too? (Yes, I did see Mozart and the Whale recently, but I am not nearly as outgoing as Radha Mitchell's character was, and he is not nearly as eccentric at first sight as Josh Hartnett's character was.)

What do I do? Almost every time in my life I have gotten up the courage to ask a guy out or otherwise let him know I like him (only enough times to count on one hand since I was in 6th grade, and it's been many years since the last time), he turns me down. I realize I need to proceed with caution and I think recognizing that this man and I both face the AS challenge is making me all the more careful in considering how to proceed. I've already screwed up out of nervousness when he got up the courage to talk to me recently. He maintains the place where I live and I needed some electrical work done, so this was the ice breaker this time. We talked shop for a few minutes (I love this), he finished fixing what needed fixing (took him all of a wizardly 5 minutes) and started to leave. Then he turned back and started asking me about the origin of my first name, which is actually kind of personal for me since I chose to get my name changed legally from what my "parents" (whom I did not grow up with) called me at birth (always hated the name they gave me - the sound literally hurt my insides when I was a child). I made the mistake of mentioning one of the reasons why I changed my name (didn't want to keep a name given to me by people who didn't want me as one of their own). He shot away from me like a squeezed watermelon seed. I have been kicking myself ever since for letting more information than was necessary slip out. I was nervous and he totally turns me on and I said the wrong thing! Everything would have been fine if the conversation had stayed focused on the technical stuff. That I can do.

Somewhere else on this forum, some time ago, I think, an NT woman mentioned what she had said to her Aspie crush to let him know she was interested. I took that as a writing prompt of sorts (I communicate best in writing and not well at all face-to-face) and crafted a letter that I think covers things very directly without being emotional or otherwise off-putting to him. But I am not sure I can or should give it to him.

What would you do?

~IslandAspie~

Nice description

He may have been overwhelmed by the amount of new information, or just exceedingly shy.

Either way, I would definitely consider the fact that he's just seemingly scarpered from what is, essentially, just a piece of interesting trivia about yourself. Do your really think he'd be able to cope with a real-life messy-and-complicated relationship?

Honestly, don't worry about scaring him away. If you think about it,, you should want him to see the real you, not trap him into thinking of you as some sort of 2-dimensional cardboard character with no past or personality; you won't be able to hide it forever, so why not spare yourself the heartache? Besides, most of the aspies I know (inlcuding myself) like to get to know people well before considering them as 'date', or even 'friend' material, so you would be doing eachother a favour

If I were you, I would be yourself as much as you can and let him get used to that. If he does, great! If he doesn't, lucky escape for you!

There's no need to jump to conclusions about how he responded to your conversation, and conclude that you "screwed up". What you said was kind of intense, but it won't change how someone feels about you. I bet he just felt awkward and like he didn't know how to respond to that, it was about him feeling self-conscious, not about feeling like you said a bad thing. You have to give him time to warm up to you. Maybe he was just afraid of responding to that in the wrong way such that you like him less.

Don't give him a letter! That would just be too much at once. Just chat him up now and again. He maintains your place so that's an excuse to invite him over to your home. Just talk to him and try to stand close to him and see if he feels comfortable with that. Then you move onto touching him casually, like patting him on the shoulder or something in conversation, and get him comfortable with that. He's pretty shy, so eventually you'll probably just have to just "jump him". Physical contact is a great ice-breaker. You've seen him around for two years... there's no need to go on a formal "date" first, why should two aspies go through on of society's pointless "rituals"?

You have very good point here. Now that I think about it, the truth is none of the relationships I have had with men have involved dating at all. Ever. I have never quite understood the point of it either, and romance and mushy-gushy stuff just isn't for me.

He was here at work (a marina, which is where I live, on a boat) a few hours ago. I spent most of my day hiding aboard and looking out for him now and then while I listened to my George Carlin stuff, laughed out loud, played my guitar, just basically enjoyed my own company. Got a few glimpses of the man in question, heart melted, etc. A good day, to be sure

Anyhow, right before quitting time for him I decided I needed an excuse to go up on the pier (hoping to see him up close, of course) so I took my garbage to be dumped (oh so sexy, I know ) and also went for wash water (I have to haul water by hand - I get wash water and drinking water from different sources).

His timing was impeccable, he appeared just as I was coming up the ramp from the dock to the pier. I was quite prepared to ignore him not knowing what to say or do (I hate that feeling of not knowing what to say or do). I avoided eye contact, chided myself inside for being cowardly once again...until he initiated a conversation, looking me in the eyes (whoa!). He matched my pace as we walked, we exchanged some simple follow-up conversation regarding what he fixed for me the other day (was it working okay, he wondered; it works perfectly now, I told him). I had an opportunity to express the quirky fun I like to have with language. He was gentle and pleasant and kind and still himself and the interaction was very potent for me.

We have a kind of off-to-the-side walkway around the main buildings on the pier here, and I like to use this frequently (I notice he does, too). After our interaction, I ditched my trash, and went through this passage to get to the shower room where the spigot is. We saw each other there, in the passage, evidently hoping to use it at the same time. We both turned nervously from the other person and went the other way. I felt mirrored, and do not regard this as a bad thing. We also seem to mirror each other with the hats we wear. I wear something, he wears the most similar thing he has. Then he wears something, I wear the most similar thing I have. It feels like a strange and secret kind of communication. Maybe I am just a bit crazy, too

And yes, if it all it takes is a tidbit about my past to scare someone away, then I don't want them anyhow. Perhaps in this way it was not an unconscious and inadvertent self-sabotage to say what I said (which is what I initially attributed it to), but a test to see if he would still be interested if he knew something like that about me. That particular issue has had the most significant impact on my life of anything at all in my experience, so, yes, he will know about it in time if things are going to go anywhere beyond nervous conversations and the sparkles in my eyes.

Thank you ladies for your feedback. Nice to be able to "talk" to other women who don't regard my perspective as completely freakish.

~IslandAspie~

Yeah, don't be afraid of revealing too much information about yourself, if its just you and him and no one else overhearing, that's the opportunity to let him know who you are. You may feel embarassed but have faith that no one is as harsh on yourself as you are

Awww... you've got the making of a rom-com there Good luck!

Sounds like he's shy and may like you as much as you like him but has no idea the interest is mutual. That's the way it tends to go with shy guys, in my experience. And it's awkward for me because I'm shy too. But once the initial shyness is overcome, it becomes a good thing to have in common.

The important part is to do something to make it clear that you like him. And yet balance that with being patient and making it clear that you have no expectations of him - that if he doesn't feel the same way, you can still get along as before.

I dunno about the letter idea. Letters tend to be awkward for some reason.

Use your imagination and trust your instincts?

This has been my sense as well, but I hate to make assumptions and end up the fool if, for example, he turns out to be gay (which I don't think is the case).



I'm definitely NOT going to give him the letter. After considering it a bit, I can see it would be overload for him, and that it would be both unfair and inconsiderate on my part since a portion of the basis for my interest in him is due to similar disposition, interests and social challenges. After re-reading it and asking the proverbial 'what if someone handed me a letter like it', I realized I would probably freak out and want to hide in a cave for several weeks. I won't do this to him!

Imagination and instincts...I am trying to work with and direct those in the best way possible.

I see him again tomorrow, and go with the flow (as much as possible) is the primary agenda.

All your feedback is wonderful! Thank you all so much!


~IslandAspie~

Keep us updated on how things go. Some may be curious because we can relate all too well.

Things went well on Friday when he was here. Since he was the one to make the approach previously, my instinct overruled my lack of confidence and I knew I had to reciprocate this time so he KNOWS I'm interested in him. I fretted considerably in devising the right script to bring to the occasion. Because I still don't know him very well, I am not comfortable or confident enough yet to be completely natural with him. I know this will come with time as we talk more, as I have found this to be true with other people in the past.

He's almost always got one of his dogs with him when he's here, and I have noticed for the last week or so that this friend has been absent. Now I'll admit that I'm not big on dogs or the keep of other domesticated animals - I love wild animals, but have never been into keeping pets. But since I know that this relationship (with the dog) is quite important to him, I figured it would not only showcase my attention to detail, but would demonstrate that I am paying enough attention to him to notice certain things. So I decided to ask him if his friend was alright. Worked nicely, I think, and it did not seem to elicit discomfort on his part.

He was here yesterday, too, later than usual and not on a typical day since I have observed that his schedule seems to involve Saturday afternoon, not Sunday evening. But when I went up the pier to make my "hello, I'm here, I like you" appearance, there was a clusterf*ck of storm troopers from the US Customs Department right at the top of the ramp. HE saw me coming and greeted me from a distance (he does this frequently now), but I was overwhelmed by the aggressive, alien presence and could not speak to him. Thankfully, I sense that he understood what was going on (because I always say 'hi' and make a more obvious effort lately), and there was no judgment on his part. Phew!

Because I seem to be a writer by nature, I am toying with the idea of a short, hand written note again. Something brief and to the point (not a letter like I was thinking before - too intense!) left on his windshield, perhaps, at the end of a work day and I just disappear for a walk afterward so he can read it on his own time and have adequate time and space to process the content when he is in his own space where he feels most comfortable.

Here is what I have written on a simple, lined piece of paper from my cherished black leather Franklin Covey personal organizer (names changed to protect the implicated):

X -

I really like you, but I have no idea what to do with this knowledge. Maybe you can help.

- Y

Would this be appropriate? Should I hand it to him personally (feels way too charged for me to handle it this way)?

I sense he is gaining confidence that I reciprocate his interest, and this is good. I don't want to do anything that might ruin things.

Looking forward to your input.

Finally got up the nerve to tell him I liked him today. Just told him quite plainly that I like him, that I needed to tell him that and so to do whatever he will with the information. He says he's not interested in having a relationship with anyone. Said he's been alone for many years and basically by choice. I knew this already - I could tell. The honesty is certainly appreciated, and I do understand, but I'm sorely disappointed. It was a bit of a risk to offer that information, and as usual, nada. Won't be making that mistake again.

At least I can quit thinking about it now. Eventually.

I've been alone for many years and basically by choice as well. Only recently in life have I discovered the autism spectrum and that I might be on it. Long story short: as I've been able to make more sense of things I've found that I'm now at least considering what possible futures that don't involve being alone might be like.

Everyone's story is unique, but perhaps he too has gotten himself mentally stuck. With a little help, he might be able to work himself free...

you might want to take some time and ask yourself why you are attracted to someone so emotionally distant.

Merle