Work, Bleh!! (rant)

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I was working seven days a week. I was so stressed....and I think partly because of the stress I got sick on almost a weekly basis. I was also having panic/anxiety attacks several times a week. (BTW, what is the difference between a panic and anxiety attack?)

So I quit the more stressful job. I feel better. I only work 4 days a week now, and financially it's a bit tight....but I don't regret it.

However....I still have the panic/anxiety attacks. Not as often, but often enough to bother me. I will start worrying about something, and before I know it, I'm a bundle of frayed nerves threatening to fall apart completely. I shake, tremble, can't think, suck in air because I feel short of breath, my heart races, and it feels like the world is spinning out of control.

Also, due to lots of heavy manual labor as a teen and young adult, coupled with bearing 5 children and periods of low or minimal nutrition, it seems that my hips are wearing out. Sometimes the joints burn all day long and it is agony to walk or lift anything. My job requires being on my feet for eight hours a day. There is no chair, and the other workers only care that I keep up the pace right along with them, so I have to tune it out.

But I think what disturbs me the most is the sense that I am wasting my life. The only thing I'm really good at is art, and all I've ever really wanted, since I was a child, is to be an artist, and here I am, slaving away making fried chicken and deep fried burritos. Some art!! It stresses me out to the point that I can't do anything once I get home but try to recover...and then when I do, it's time to go to work again.

I have no mental/emotional energy left for my children....all I want a lot of the time is to find a nice dark place to hide in.

I am thinking about applying for disability. I can work, yes. But it is taking a tremendous toll on me. If I didn't have to work like this, I would paint, all day long, and work as an artist. I would be taking tax dollars, yes. But it's their fault that the world is so goddamned hard for me to live in....

I've thought about going to school....but I am not sure that I could handle the stress of it.

As things stand now, I'm only treading water and just barely able to survive. Input?

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I also suffer from panic/anxiety. At least for me the most crippling of the anxiety is self generated. From the same questions you had about what you are going to be doing with your life. I have gotten better at dealing with the panic attacks. But I have also medicated to help with them also. It helped some. took some of the more irrational parts out of my thoughts. But more importantly I have learned and am still learning how to cope with myself while I am feeling panic or anxiety. Understanding that it is an irrational fear for me. It wasn't easy to learn and as I said I did have medications to help. But I haven't had panic/anxiety attacks like I did about 4 years ago. I hope this makes sense. If you want to talk more about it I am more than willing to either by pm or instant messenger.

I know what you mean.. I have terrible anxiety and get it at work, also.

I don't enjoy my job, it's part time while I study, and the study is really hard, also.

You could always apply for a disability scholarship, and take a course in some sort of art

I'm sure there's heaps of help available for people like us, if you talk to a councillor or ask a course co-ordinator about scolarships.

I have a Qualification in Graphic art, and I'm doing a Computing degree. I didn't have help with those.. but I would have done ALOT better and enjoyed them more if I'd seeked out help for my disability.

I've got to agree with this idea, chamoisee. If you have to take tax dollars try to think of it as a temporary thing, until you get on track with your "new career" and of course, while you are taking courses for your "new life" you and the children still need to eat.

I am afraid. Afraid of the application, of going into debt, of moving away from here, closer to school, of the stress of the school and people and schedules and changing classrooms, of the math, etc etc.....Of dropping out because I can't handle it....

Also, I am not sure what end result to pursue: art? What kinf of art would pay in this place? Computer science?

Update on work: One of the things that irritates me most about this job is that I have to work and try so hard, in order to do what I consider to be a competent job. The multitasking is awful...constant.... For me it's very hard, and I take it so seriously, I really try not to slack off or stand around at all, and I am always looking for ways to improve. Contrast this with the other girls, who seem to regard the work as ridiculously easy and trivial, and talk a lot instead of working... I asked them to rate the difficulty of it on a scale of 1-10, they rated it about 2!! !! ! For me it is more like 7-8. For months at a time it used to be a 10. They were amazed that I found anything at all about the job hard or problematic.

You have my sympathies Chamoisee- its a difficult situation you are in. I understand the fear part too- I want to go back to uni myself but I know its going to cost us money for me to go and I feel that I need to make sure I pick the right course- something that will lead to some kind of career afterwards so I can provide for my kids.

I hope you manage to find the right solution for you and your family- and don't give up- you will get there.

Work still sucks. I haven't spoken to my manager for two whole days! She's false and friendly when we're alone, but then picks on me and sabotoges me when other people are there, so screw it- I won't talk to her. I like my silence anyway, it's better.

I made an appointment with the voc rehab office...has anyone else gone to voc rehab, what is it, what's it about, what are the qualifications? I don't mind working but I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown from the stress of working at this place.

Have you looked at scholarships? If you have an official diagnosis I think there are disability scholarships available in some areas (I wish I had more info on this) for people on the spectrum.

The area of art that makes the most money is graphic design. Computer art and animation is big at the moment but hard to get into because there's so much competition. Traditional painting, sculpting, illustration and other fine art are the hardest to make a living at unles you are very very good, and even most professional artists have another job on the side.