Feeling horribly adrift

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I feel so insecure just now. I don't know why this happens. What I really want to do is smoke some marijuana - it seems to provide some consistency of feeling - but I don't have any and can't get any. My husband is very depressed at the moment. He won't talk to me though. His way of coping is to withdraw and there seems to be nothing I can do to help him. I can't stand it. I went to work (voluntary job) yesterday and worked really hard and had a good day. When I came home to my depressed hubby I just came crashing down. If I felt I could look after him and make a difference I think I would feel better. I feel like I make no difference to him. If only I knew what to do to make him feel better, it would make me feel better. But he just sits and watches the same TV programs for hours. I try to talk but he's always sshh-ing me because he's watching the programme. I try to look after him the best I can. I cook him meals, wash and iron his clothes, try to keep the house reasonably tidy (i find this very difficult), Go shopping for groceries (I hate this and find it very stressful). I ask him if there is anything else I can do to help him but he just says 'no' or 'I don't know' or doesn't say anything at all. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm letting him down. But that's not fair. I'm doing the best I can and it's not good enough I had an awful nightmare last night, of a sort I often have at times like this. I dream that he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't care, is coldly watching me cry and hurt myself and not caring or doing anything to help me. Not touching me or talking to me. It feels like I'm complaining and being unfair but I just can't cope and I don't know what to do.

I feel so sorry for you. Does your husband have AS too? I wish there was something I could do to help.

I think it's very nice all the things you do to make him feel better, even the things you don't like to do.

The only thing I can suggest is to let him have his mood. Be around him without talking. I'm sure he wants to talk, but maybe feels you are fussing too much. You can't force these things, he'll talk when he's ready. If you back down, maybe he'll come forward.

I mean it's like when someone is ignoring you, and the more you push to get the person to notice you, the more they ignore you. If you on the other hand ignore them back, they start talking to you.

'I'm here if you want to talk, if you don't want to, thats fine too.'

You could also suggest to do something that he really likes doing, to cheer him up a bit. Maybe you could watch a movie together?

I hope things will turn out to the best for you. It's a difficult situation.

Thanks Corcorvado! Your support does help! Yes my hubby has HFA, we think. Neither of us is diagnosed but we're not sure there's any point at our age (we're both 38 ). I have tried suggesting activities but he's not interested. We've just been talking on the phone actually. So at least we're communicating a bit. I'm going to try and get on with some housework now.....

I'm glad i could be of some help.

Housework is boring to do, but it does take your mind of things.

As we say in Denmark: keep your head up and feet on the ground.

I hate to suggest this, as anti-shrink as I am, but does your husband have actual clinical depression? Has he ever been evaluated or diagnosed? I've been clinically depressed, and believe me, it's not just a mood that will simply pass. If you can see a good clinical psychologist who you trust (not a psychiatrist or a GP who will simply start handing out the pills), maybe you should try to get him to go and have a talk. Your care and your caring mean the world, but if he's truly clinically depressed, he won't be able to show it or get the help he needs from that alone.

Just a suggestion, since obviously I don't know your situation or your husband, and just popping antidepressants isn't the answer. Still, it's worth knowing if it is clinical depression and exploring the options for treatment if it is. YOU need support, too.

Thanks Liz! He has seen a psychiatrist/psychologist in the past, and has taken an SSRI for a period of time. That was a few years ago. I think it's his situation (the place he is working at just now, and a physical illness he is suffering from) that is depressing him, but yes, I would say he is clinically depressed. Like you, neither of us is very impressed with the psychiatric profession, and I think he'd be unwilling to go down that route, to be honest. His situation as far as work is concerned will change in the next month or so, for sure. Whether the change will be an improvement is impossible to predict. Let's hope!

Yeah, it's tough. Since I've been the depressed person, not the caretaker, I can only sympathize with you, not offer practical help. I can't blame either of you for not wanting to get back in the "mental hellth" (sic) meat grinder. I know some people say they're helped by drugs, but all I ever got was side effects. Never again! I benefited from my psychologist's presence simply as someone to talk to once a week, since I didn't have anyone else and my marriage was one of the biggest factors causing my depression. I got myself better (you're never exactly cured), but having him to talk to kept me alive at times and less insane at others. Other than that, I think they tend to do more harm than good, but that's just my take on it.

In any case, good luck to both of you. It's definitely not fun, but fixing the outside things that are adding to the problem can help tremendously (like my separation and divorce did, since in my case, my husband was the major problem). I also believe that, once you're past it, it makes you a lot stronger.

if he is depressed it is not your fault. You should not blame your self. maybe you could try a change in diet.like Some foods are bad for depression and some foods help it..

i read that sometimes if people get depressed they can be helped this way. maybe you cold open a window and let in some light and fresh air. sometimes when i feel this way i go for walks outside and feel better.

I don't have answers but I sympathize with you because my father used to get like this, and it can really ruin a good day and cause worry. I hope things get better for you.

Thanks everybody! Things are better now. We're both working on our problems. We are both seeing a wonderful hypnotherapist/counsellor (have been for a little while) and feeling a lot more positive!

That's horrible,I've been having some similar depression as your husband...I don't leave the house and I only talk to people if it's absolutely necessary.I wish I had some pot (I've never tried it but I would,anything to get rid of these feelings)

So sorry to hear that! Have you ever tried an antidepressant? I have taken fluoxetine (Prozac) for many years now and it really does help me. I kind of 'boost' it with a bit of cannabis and am generally able to find a comfortable balance. But that's just me and we're all different. I hope you feel better soon!

Yeah I was on prozac for 5 years but recently it stopped working,I would take it and still feel the same...I stopped taking it.Which I know I should have told my doctor and graduly reduced the dose as a sort of weening procces but Guess I wasn't thinking straight.Thank you for the concern,I hope your problems will soon be resolved

scrulie, you sound like a caring, loving wife. Whenever I'm withdrawn, my wife wants to know 'why', 'about what', and then tries to talk me through the problem. It's difficult for us guys to verbalize our feelings, andd we hate to admit things like my boss is bullying me. It's unfortunate your hubby is so non communicative. I hope the counselling helps ! !!

This is how it feels for a man to be depressed:

"Things are going wrong, and I am depressed. I know that I am treating other people badly, and this makes me feel guilty. It feels like I am the only one who can sort things out for myself, so I will withdraw to consider the options and come up with a plan.

Talking about it is wasting time. I don't want to EXPLAIN what I am doing, I want to get on with doing it, so that I may break free from this cycle and go back to being 'normal'. Interrupting and adding complications makes things worse, as it undermines my already fragile confidence. If I want advice, I will ask for it. Trust me to handle this on my own. If you want to help, facilitate. Take some of the other pressures away so that I can focus".

The biggest danger is that men always assume that there is a quantifiable problem which can be 'solved'. Very often this simply isn't the case and a man can get trapped in a cycle of looking for non-existent solutions rather than just accepting what has happened. Because he can't resolve the problem, he then feels like a failure, and the situation gets worse.

Some men can be persuaded to talk, and to share their responsibilities so that things become manageable. This is rare, though. A better tactic is to force your bloke into thinking about something else, to break that depressive cycle. He won't like it, mind you. It'll have to be a seriously tempting distraction in order to work, and delivered with the least possible pressure (Contrariness plays a big part here. Let him think it's his idea somehow). Buy two tickets for a football game or a motorsports event, and give the other one to his best male friend (so the friend will nag him in a blokey way, which is more likely to work). Buy him a new and highly-addictive computer game. Challenge him to a pointless bet which you know he can win. Anything, anything at all which will stop him from dwelling on negative thoughts, and give his subconscious a chance to re-evaluate the situation and either come up with a Plan or, more likely, realise that it simply isn't worth worrying about any more.

Try to avoid giving advice. Men see this as an allegation that they are incompetent. Instead, give reassurance. A massive hug and the words "It will be all right" can work wonders.