I'm Chris. I'm a 24 year old musician and college student in Northern Virginia. I study environmental sciences and engineering by day. At night and on weekends, I'm either DJing in nightclubs (I'm a house/techno/trance DJ/producer) or I'm playing jazz and classical gigs on trombone, OR I'm playing keyboards in a local alternative rock band (a recent development). School is really the backup plan for my music, and music is my dream.
I've always excelled on aptitude tests and in music, and am also a good athlete (I played varsity baseball and football and some basketball in HS), but I've always struggled keeping up in group social settings and getting good grades. I have trouble picking up on subtle social nuances and cues, in person, on the phone or online, and am gullible in that I take things very literally and don't always pick up on minor sarcasm, body language, etc. This causes frequent miscommunication, ranging from silly moments of confusion to adamant confrontation. I've coped with this over the years by spending most free time engaged in practicing, recording or writing music and isolating myself. I've hit a wall though, as my success in music strongly depends on my ability to interact with people and make new friends. When I'm in situations with people I don't know, I have a very difficult time connecting with anyone unless they share a strong passion with me.
After a few close friends suggested looking into Asperger Syndrome, I looked it up on Wiki to get a general understanding of the condition. From reading the article, I've noticed these symptoms in my life:
Communication/Social symptoms: verbosity, literal interpretations and miscomprehension of nuance, unusually pedantic, formal or idiosyncratic speech. "Children with AS may have an unusually sophisticated vocabulary at a young age and have been colloquially called "little professors", but have difficulty understanding figurative language and tend to use language literally". That statement perfectly describes my childhood. I often confused kids (and my peers today) with my vocabulary and technical way of speaking. When I get uncomfortable in social settings I cope with selective mutism, and can comfortably converse only with people I know well. If such people are not present, I tend not to say much, if anything at all. I also have great difficulty looking people in the eye, even if I know them well. Eye contact distracts me in conversation greatly, and even though I can force myself to use it in job interviews and similar situations, it's still very uncomfortable for me. Growing up I was extremely shy, but I've learned enough social skills to seem a little more outgoing and less reclusive. I thrive in deep, engaging conversations and debates, but I'm almost useless when it comes to "small-talk" and group banter. Situations in which the latter is more present make me anxious, I become very quiet, and if they dynamics don't change within an hour or two, I simply leave, feeling socially inadequate and frustrated. I'm often very self-conscious around unfamiliar people. Except when I'm alone or with people I know intimately, I'm very uncomfortable in my own skin, and even though I try to hide this, my body language tends to express it anyway, which leads me to making bad first impressions. I'm also obsessive about music, dedicating multiple hours a day to hearing new electronic releases or perfecting songs I produce on the computer. My perfectionism often gets in the way, both in terms of practicality and in terms of undermining my self-confidence.
Physical Behaviors: As a child, when my mind would wander and I'd get excited, I would compulsively flap my arms. Even though I was thoroughly trained not to do that, I still compulsively move my hands, snap my fingers or tap rhythms when I get worked up. I also catch myself repeating random phrases inexplicably at times when I'm alone. If I'm enamored by something I or someone else says, I have a subconscious desire to repeat the statement 3 or 4 times and sometimes have to repress it in public.
I need to decide whether or not I should speak with a doctor about my concerns of having AS. My friends who suggested this to me are not doctors, nor do they claim to have it themselves. I'm a little dubious about paying someone money to tell me whether or not I'm crazy, especially when pharmaceutical companies are involved and conflicting the interests of doctors and patients. I came here so I could get input from people who either have AS themselves, or have professional experience working with and/or diagnosing people with AS. I apologize for being long-winded...apparently that's a symptom too. Thanks for reading.
12 Nov 2010, 7:06 pm
