Daughter would like me to Fark Off - wish I could!

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Pretty sure death is at least as bad as not being able to bear children. At any rate, the risks of severe complications are also higher for pregnancy than for an IUD.

Not sure where we are on the BC issue. I did mention IUDs are really for women that have already had kids, and that it makes periods way worse. No response from the peanut gallery.

We had a talk this morning. OK, I talked, but at least she listened. I pointed out that a guy is not going to fix everything for her. I pointed out that guys on the east coast, CO, and CA, are just the same as guys here. Fickle, shallow, and perfectly capable of lying. I talked about her cousin who recently moved to another state for a guy who turned out to already have a girlfriend. I told her that although she is 20, she is still a youngster emotionally, and too much of a romantic and too gullible. I said her Dad and I are really concerned about her being dependent on people she doesn't really know for transportation, lodging, food etc. I told her we love her and don't want her to get hurt.

She got a little teary eyed then decided it would be a good time to tell me about a camp she wants to go to in June/July for her sport. Obviously she is hoping we will pay for it though she didn't say it. I mentioned that she could pay for that if she didn't take this trip. She said she wants to do both.

So I got nowhere.

At least she told me she has no plans to move. I have no idea if the guy really wants her to come, it seems like she is not texting etc with him as much but I don't really know. But she has every intention of buying the return ticket, she has only asked for a week off of work.

To be honest, I am praying and hoping for a local boyfriend to happen in the next two months.

this is not a decision pure statistics and numbers can make for you. the desire to have children can be incredibly strong, and the loss of the ability to do so devastating. the main difference is in the risk, if the risk of pregnancy is one you are planning to take anyway, then an unplanned pregnancy really carries no additional risk, whereas an IUD still carries risk that you could avoid by choosing a different method. there is always a point at which risk is too high for any scenario, but that number is up to each woman to decide. for me deciding on birth control, that number is anything above zero. for this girl, unfortunately she may not be mature enough to really understand the decision yet, a lot of young women arent. hysterectomy in and of itself is not a single complication, as it can also carry with it its own lifelong complications; the female reproductive system is responsible for more than just bearing children, it overlaps with the endocrine system and provides our hormones that control a lot more than babies.

dancind, have you considered giving her the option of having the boy come visit her? you may even help her pay for the visit or offer him a spare room. not ideal no, and has more of an air of condoning it, but they are going to meet regardless of what you do it sounds like, and this option would give her a lot more security and you would be able to meet the boy.

speaking as someone who met their SO online from 2500 miles away, there is the possibility that this will be a serious long term relationship. so take careful steps now in how you speak about this boy and keep in mind he may become a member of the family at some point =)

True. I met my husband through a publication that provided dating ads. This was was 17 years ago pre-Internet dating. If anyone of you can remember a time. He wasn't across the country. Only an hour away. However, I tried to be smart about dating in this manner and take precautions to make sure I wasn't jumping into a dangerous situation. We spoke on the phone several times. He didn't have my address. My phone number was unlisted and, pre-Internet, it would have been difficult to find me. I met him someplace public our first few dates. I think it was a month of dating before he knew specifically where I lived.

I really like the idea of him coming to see her. I think it proves he is interested too. I have never understood why in these instances it is usually the woman chasing off after the guy.

In this day and age when there are so many birth control options, I wouldn't sweep under aside the poissible side effect of infertility. While perhaps not a concern at 20, it could cause serious regret years down the road, especially if it were due to something preventable. Not everyone feels giving up child bearing is a risk worth taking. As someone who had to spend thousands of dollars to have children and belonged to several support groups for infertility, it isn't a risk to take lightly. Furthermore, at this early, if any sexual relationship occurs, condoms should be used no matter what unless she wants to run the risk of a STD.

An actual unplanned pregnancy is a much bigger risk than the small possibility of an unplanned pregnancy while using contraception. Most likely getting pregnant would mean she'd use abortion as her backup means of contraception, whether the parents here like it or not, and abortions have a risk of infertility too. The risks with an IUD are much lower.


This part I agree with completely. While it's difficult for a lot of us older adults today to understand, online socializing is every bit as real as in person socializing. The world has changed; we can't really expect our kids to find their friends the exact same way we did.


Unfortunately most of the more recently invented forms of birth control are hormonal. I'm sure this girl would happily consider depo-provera except that it's likely to cause the same problems for her that birth control pills do. Really there's no way of avoiding all risk short of abstinence, and it doesn't sound like abstinence is on the table here.

As for infertility, been there done that. It took my wife and myself four years and ultimately four IVF cycles to have our first child, and we had always used barrier methods. Meanwhile, my former girlfriend who used an IUD for years was having no trouble popping out kids.

However, it's to be pointed out that in this day and age, pregnancy options are growing even faster than birth control options. Even after a hysterectomy you can use IVF with surrogate pregnancy to have your own biological child. Where there's a will, there's a way.

This is probably harsh, but if this guy is so great why isn't he helping with a plane ticket? Surely he should be able to cover at least half of the cost of her going to see him if he wants to be seen? That would bother me if this were my daughter.

I'm anti-IUD after having severe menstrual problems after the insertion of a "modern" IUD. Never had problems prior to insertion and struggled with extremely heavy periods (flooding) and cramps to this day after having it put in (even after having it removed four months after its insertion). I'd rather go through that than an unwanted pregnancy, but there are better options and quite likely safer IUDs since this time (nine years ago).

So what? The world is over populated as it is and lots of kids need adopted.

This girl is so me...minus the boyfriend of course.

I dunno if stripping her of anything is a good idea unless you want her to completely go meltdown on you.

But I would see into the college grades situation above everything else or else everything is all for naught. As long as she has a job she will likely spend her money the way she wants to. Not much control over that. There's no problem in giving her money on her birthday or Christmas but any other time during the year you want to be restrictive and only give her money necessary for school purposes.

My two cents.

I wish I knew what to do about the grade situation.

Our state has a lottery scholarship that paid tuition, about $5500 a year. The caveat was that you have to go straight to college after HS, take at least 12 hours a semester, and maintain a 2.5. DH and I have talked about how DD really could have used a year or two to mature before starting college. Looks like she might get that break now.

I totally agree how a year or two could make the difference. My son is only almost 10, but in our church, he could go on a two year mission at 19. Since he has a late birthday, he will be 19 a few months after high school graduation, so he can go straight on his mission for 2 years before entering college. I really hope that is the way things work out, because I think it will be best for him. On a mission, he will be semi-independent. He will live in an apartment, with companions the same age; however, there are older couples that serve as mission leaders that advise the young men and, while they don't live with them, they do look after them and there are strict rules about conduct. Since my son is very social, but just has trouble noticing boundaries and when he is bugging people, I think this will be an ideal situation for him to mature and get ready for college. As of now, my son is already almost a missionary they way he will talk to anyone and usually invites them to church. However, who knows what will happen once he hits his teens. I won't force my son to go. We feel strongly about free agency, but I have a very strong feeling that this could be a positive way to transition him into adulthood, so I do hope it works out in this manner.

It is too bad about the scholarship. That would be a difficult thing to lose. However, try to look at this as a marathon. I know many successful adults now that had rough starts after high school. Try to make the goal during this transition to minimize the mistakes she makes to things that can always be fixed and have no huge lasting effects. She will eventually mature and, hopefully, this will all be in the past as some lessons learned.