To parents who dont have autism.

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I was wondering something im 17 years old and i hate going to parttys the sonds around me and stuff dosent bother me its more im not sure what to say to others and would brather be alone.
But at the same time i wish i was like the others and could come out and talk and have fun.
i wish i new what to say and how to have a good time it upsets me. But somereason i cant! its so im not sure the feeling its just very i want to run into a room alone. im not sure if anyone has a kid like this but am i alone? do they do it to? and if they do what do you do when you got a grandmother whos a problem and dosent understand you dont like big groups of people because shes the problem i want to talk about were haveing my sisters baby shower soon and she wants me to take photos of avreything and be around the people and hang out. My mom keeps saying she just dosent understand. But my mom also wants me to they dont get it! And she dose the same thing to me when its dinner time and avreyones around us she wants me to talk and eat around the tabble. and i cant! its okay im not sure i think it maybe scarey for me or uncomftable to much people and way to much eye contacked when they look at me and im looking at them avreything like this drives me nuts were i want to run out of the house and cry. i think thats what im feeling.

Many families here can relate to all those feelings. That is AS.

I find your grandmother's suggestion about the picture taking interesting. I don't know if she got that from someone else or blindly stumbled onto it, but some of our AS parents have used photography as a trick for handling crowds at school functions. Being behind the camera gives you a shield for the social situation, and a way to interact while avoiding interaction at the same time. It gives you a script and a level of separation all at the same time. My son has used it often, as well, but he is also more natually comfortable in groups than many AS are; his problem is interacting appropriately, but he doesn't mind interacting.

Give some thought as to if it could actually work that way for you, acting as a tool to use you into the activity without having too share too much that is personal.

Otherwise, I would recommend that you chalk grandma up to being well meaning but incapable of understanding what it really is like for you. Let your mom run interference with her and help with limiting and pacing the level of social interaction you are forced into. If you take face these activities in limited doses, in a way that is comfortable for you, you might be able to enjoy yourself a little, and slowly build up more comfort. Knowing you can escape is important, and feeling that you have control over how long you'll stay, who you must talk to, etc. You have to do this in your own way, on your own time, and only if it is what you want.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 21 Apr 2011, 7:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

she asked because i like takeing photos. if not in a group of people. ill do okay but u cant keep me there half the day and then exspeced me to talk with them to like she is.

I would decide what you think is a reasonable dose for you and then tell grandma that is how long you'll be there. Have your mom back you up.

Social situations are exhausting for people with AS. You have to pace it out based on what you think will work for you.

Is part of the issue the noise of the gathering? My son also has difficulty with this - sometimes, for instance when we go see movies, we give him the soft foam noise-blocking earplugs that go inside the ears. Or you might put on an MP3 player, the "plug" style headphones block out a lot of noise and they can be socially acceptable (although somebody is going to have to explain to grandma to leave you alone about that.)

Maybe between reducing the noise and having the camera, things will improve.

Oooooh! I can relate. I don't have AS. I have TS and OCD, and my son has AS. But I can understand what you're saying about parties.

Can I ask you something?

I also do photography. Landscapes, mostly, so I have little experience photographing people. When the OCD is going full-tilt, I have a hard time with eye contact. It's like they're windows into people, and everyone is walking around pointing their windows at you and saying, "LOOK LOOK LOOK" and I'm thinking "NO NO NO!" Wearing sunglasses helps me with that feeling. But until I've known someone for a while, it's painful to make eye contact without sunglasses.

Does having the camera between you and other people help? Does the viewfinder act like a filter the way sunglasses work as a filter for me? This might help with the party, at least as far as eye contact goes. I've watched event photographers, and they become extensions of their camera rather than the other way around. I think they need that distance to do what they do.

On the whole conversation thing, I don't know if I can help you. Real two-way conversations happen when two people have a common enough interest that they can exchange ideas. Unless you have interests in common with other people there, it's hard to find topics to talk about. If there are other photographers there, finding a common topic won't be hard. I've found the more obscure an interest, the more likely someone else who shares that interest will tolerate personal differences in order to talk about it. It means your chances of having a conversation are a lot lower, but the chances of enjoying one go up a lot.

As for how to handle people who just don't get it... I don't know. When you find out, tell me.

I dont have the people look right at me when im takeing my photos if i do i get scared i dont like eye contacked what so ever! but i have learnd to look at them and look away so i fake it really.
but its still hard and people still notice i dont like it. Does the camra help? No i dont think it helps me id have to look at this more.

I dont have the people look right at me when im takeing my photos if i do i get scared i dont like eye contacked what so ever! but i have learnd to look at them and look away so i fake it really.
but its still hard and people still notice i dont like it. Does the camra help? No i dont think it helps me id have to look at this more.

You know what, XsamX? That camera you use is a tool of great power. While you are taking photos, you can dictate to the other people where to stand, where to look, how to pose, etc. You can also just take random shots of people and surroundings and in that way avoid social interaction or control social interaction. When my son is in a social situation, he tends to spend so much time working out what the correct thing to say is that he ends up saying nothing. By the time he's rehearsed his lines in his head, the moment has passed and it's too late. What he's most afraid of is embarrassing himself, so while when he does interact with us, his family, he's a lot more comfortable because we make a point of never laughing at him, but hey, if what he says is funny, we laugh with him, and explain what it was that made it funny. He doesn't always understand the stuff we non-spectrum people find funny. Why not make the shower time limited? "I'll be there for an hour to take photos". That way you keep control with any contacts you make, and can engage at whatever level you're comfortable with.

ill try