How can I make myself less 'unhinged'?

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Ive put this here instead of the Haven as I want constructive criticism and concrete things to do and in the Haven one tends to just get hugs.

I have always been quite difficult in character and unstable, I have very low self esteem and often feel like killing myself. I have problems with eating and feeling bad about how I look. I have problems trusting people and letting people get close.

For the last 4 years or so Ive lived mostly in isolation with no friends and not much contact with my family. Ive not had much friends in the past either, only ever one or two at a time and Ive normally had to drink or smoke to cope with the stress of interacting. I dont think I could cope with having a friend without drinking or smoking or bingeing on food.

I dont know how to become more normal, how to let people be close, how to be less grumpy and irritable, how to feel better about myself and have less self hatred.

any advice welcome, any book suggestions or anything really thanks

First you need to be a little forgiving of yourself. You cannot be perfect. You are, after all, only human. You also have to realize, that other people also have their imperfections and things they are self conscious about, which you might not see. I knew a girl once who most people would consider among the better looking people in the world. I was absolutely shocked to find out that she thought she was ugly.

So what exactly is it that makes others better than you? Nothing really. They probably aren't. You just perceive that they are.

If you are overweight, you can lose it, but first you need to address the binge eating with an eating disorders therapist.

As for trusting people, interacting with another person always presents a degree of risk. It's like stepping out of bed in the morning. Something bad may happen. But you can't stay in bed your whole life. You probably shouldn't isolate yourself your whole life either.

Call your family. Keep in touch with them a little more.

Definitely try to be more forgiving of yourself - try to find things about yourself you like. I hope there are some. Then capitalise on those things. Is there a place in the world where you feel you are "really good"? (could be a hobby, work, something you do alone).
Perhaps you could post some of the things that motivate you even a tiny bit, and people could help you with building on those things.

The second thing I thought of was to find some way to socialise, that you are happy with. Ideally in the real world, rather than on line, but most things cross-over these days. One thing I love to do is ride out on a motorbike. Its social because there are lots of you....but you can lock yourself away inside your own helmet for the most part. Most bikers are non-conformist and are ready to ignore oddities in people. Of course, there are other activities with a similar level of socialising - this was just an example. Any sport tends to be a way to interact physically with people without having to say much, and the "fresh air" helps (nasty cliche, I know). Its always hard to start a sport, if you're not sporty but there is such a huge variety of options most people can find something they enjoy - and there are plenty of sports where feeling like you look good is not important (sailing comes to mind....as well as motorbiking!) If you take a course in something, you can "socialise" in the structured environment of the course, without having to take it any further.

Biking and boating are two things I love, as they have a calming element to them as well.

I think I need to do stuff to myself before I socialise as at the moment I cant without drinking/binging/harming/whatever. I go to something with people and then come home and do one of those self destructive activities, I just feel so awful after seeing people, I get nightmares and everything. So I need to be more ok before I see people so as to handle it better. Im going to hire a therapist but I need to sort myself out a bit first as I dont want to go back to smoking and drinking so that I can cope with seeing the therapist, I need to change a bit first- but I dont know how to change or what I have to do to be different.

Seems like you know yourself pretty well, which is a good start.
Do you have any solo hobbies? Can you find something you can enjoy on your own - photography came to mind....there's going to be other things....something you can get really absorbed in, but then you have something to show for it as well. Also, if you can't socialise in the real world, something like photography give you various on-line options.

Is there anything that makes you even a tiny bit happy?

As to therapy - make sure you get someone who knows about AS - or you are setting yourself up for failure and could make things worse:
I went to traditional anger management therapy, and got kicked out for aggression.
Well, its funny now, with hindsight and insight, but at the time it made things worse for me. I was beating myself up about why it didn't work out, and I really struggled with trying to understand why someone purporting to help with anger management would fail to accept that their clients may occasionally have anger issues.

Yes its difficult that therapists know so little about AS, the last few I saw said I didnt have AS and was just a 'scientific, stoic woman', another one said i just had to come to terms with being a bit crazy.

Did you find anything to help with your anger? I tried going on an anger management course but they said I didnt meet their criterior. I find most self help books for anger/socialphobia/anxiety etc arent any good as they are not writen for aspergers so dont quite fit.

I have a couple of hobbies, I do sewing pictures and used to do painting pictures but have not lately as people criticised them. I like exercising and watching documentories and gardening. However they dont seem to make me better, worse if anything as I get cross when interupted which happens alot as I have kids.

Perhaps I can somewhat relate. I believe "unhinged" has been a word to describe me once or twice.

What is it exactly that stresses you out about interacting with people? For me it is the clash inside my mind of my desire to get close to people vs my fear of losing them as a friend. The closer I get the more stressed I feel.

I think its lot of fear of making people cross, fear of appearing strange, fear of being unlikable and fear of being rejected.

I am thinking of trying these books, which one do you think looks most helpful?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cognitive-Behav ... 841&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Sabotage-M ... 841&sr=8-2

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-sabotage-C ... 841&sr=8-8

http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Misery-Com ... 841&sr=8-7

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Awaken-Your-Str ... 41&sr=8-11

Ive bought these two books so we shall see if they help at all

http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Path-Self ... 1593859759


http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavio ... 798&sr=1-8

Hi.
A couple of years ago I felt a bit unhinged like you describe.
Since then I have found out about my ASD.
I now take regular time out from my kids, who interrupt me as you mention about your kids.
This has changed my headspace a lot and I now have more patience with everything, including my kids.
I didn't realise how much the constant interaction was tiring me out and making me irritable.
Now I have scheduled time to myself and this is a major improvement.

I had this problem for a very long time, mostly because of the experiences I had with other people. The solution for me was drastic, but it changed my life and I'm relatively very happy now: I left. I left my family and my old life behind and I moved to Europe. It was the single most terrifying thing I've ever done, and looking back, I'm not sure how I managed it. I guess I must have just pulled out every ounce of willpower from inside of me because I knew it was this or nothing. If I didn't change everything, I'd never be able to change anything.

In the USA I always found that people were very judgmental. I was amazed to discover that people here in Prague have a drastically different mindset. I managed to find a job teaching English and I didn't approach others, but someone approached me once after a lesson and said "You're new, right? Let's go for a coffee." He didn't ask, he just told me to go, so even though I was desperately searching my mind for an excuse not to go, I followed his directions automatically. I was fidgeting, not making eye contact, distracted by the texture of my jeans and not talking much. He was very friendly, but I was terrified of the whole situation. Finally he asked me if something was wrong, and I just spilled it and explained everything. He listened attentively and when I had finished, he nodded his head and said, "alright then." Then he continued the conversation, treating me like a normal person and not paying attention to my strangeness. Before long i started to feel comfortable with him. I learned that in his younger days, he had been a drug addict for many years and was always surrounded by people who were far more unusual than me. He was used to accepting people as they were and as I was a nice, intelligent person, he really didn't care about superficial oddities. This man eventually became my closest friend. He introduced me to many other friends, most of whom were involved with the dance (house) music scene. (I had never listened to electronic music before and never thought I would like it, but he pushed me to try it and I was pleasantly surprised.) Not a single one of them ever had even the smallest problem with me, and they're a truly odd - but very good-hearted - group of people. Although life continues to shower me with new problems every day, at least I feel like I have a group of true friends who accept and look out for me all the time, and who also understand when I simply want to be left alone.

I know that it's often not feasible (or even a tolerable idea) for someone to simply leave their entire life behind and go somewhere new, and I know that I was also incredibly lucky to have met the right person at the right time. However, I think the most important lesson that I learned in this whole experience is that there ARE people out there who will accept you exactly as you are and love you no matter how you act or what your past was like. And there are far more people like this than you think. Having even just one person like this in your life can change more than you can imagine. I understand the desire to be alone, the fear of rejection, the dislike of social situations, but autistic or not, we are all social creatures, and life is more fulfilling with social interaction than it could ever be without it.

If I can offer you one piece of advice, it would be to try making one big change in your life. Dig deep down and pull out all your courage, and go somewhere it would never have occurred to you to go. Someplace you know you won't meet anyone you already know, so there's no risk of affecting your current life as it is. A club, a coffee shop, a bookstore, wherever you wouldn't normally go. (I strongly recommend the electronic music scene as it really tends to attract unusual and open-minded people.) Go there with this attitude: these people are from another planet. If they don't like me, I will never see a single one of them ever again. I can leave them behind like a bad movie I never have to watch again. It's like a game, like a dream. A temporary reality that can go away as soon as you want it to. Go there, and just talk to someone. Walk up to someone and say hello. I know - that's horrifying! But here's the key: don't pretend. Don't worry about social rules. Just be YOU, the you that you're always worried about hiding and cleaning up and making presentable. Be awkward, strange, your true self, whatever that means. (I have the song "Beautiful Freak" by Eels in mind here - listen to it if you aren't familiar with it.) And yes, there's a chance that these people will reject you. But they can't hurt you, because they're just strangers, just aliens. And there's a higher chance than you realize that they will absolutely love you. You're different than those other boring drones. You're interesting and you're special, and that is NOT a bad thing. It's just a matter of finding someone who recognizes that, and it's not as difficult as it seems if you can just be brave and give it a try.

I know this is a rather extreme suggestion, and if someone had said this to me a few years ago I probably would have run away from the very thought. But now I know, really KNOW that it's the right thing to do, the thing that can change everything. Having just one person in your life - not a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you, but a real life flesh-and-blood person - who sees how great you are and tells you so, can change absolutely everything.

I hope that I've been helpful. I have just one more thing to add to this long post - it's a cliche, but it's true that suicide is never the answer. It's very logical, in fact: if you're so unhappy with your current life that you no longer want to live, it makes far more sense to make a dramatic change to your life than it does to end it completely. Life can get better, but only if you let it continue. A change gives you the possibility of something good - death promises you only oblivion. Happiness is out there somewhere waiting for you to find it. It may not be easy, but it's possible if you just keep trying. Keep trying, and be brave! I never would have imagined my life could be what it is now. If it's possible for me, it's absolutely possible for you.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM6SNrmH0r8[/youtube]

I think you need to approach your problems separately. The alcohol/ drugs are a separate issue from the eating issue, the social avoidance is a different issue than all of those, and the general unhinged feeling might be yet another issue. I would start with trying to get off drugs and drink as this will only confuse and disorder your thinking/ emotions more than they already are. I am an emotionally unstable person and I shudder to think what I'd be like with drugs and drink added to the mix. So I guess what I'm saying is that the social anxieties and avoidance could be the least of your problems right now. Because I have never had a substance abuse problem I don't know what to recommend. I do know someone who managed to stop drinking cold turkey, is this an option for you? I really think if you can get off the substances you will have more facilities to confront the food and social problems.

I am extremely socially avoidant and have lived an increasingly isolated life over the past few years. When I was younger I always had optimism about friendships or at least put some effort into them. Now I just don't see the point, and like you I find myself feeling ill/ mentally unstable after spending much time around other people. I almost feel like other people are poisonous.

I dont smoke or drink. I gave up before.

I worry I will smoke or drink if I socialise as i have in the past.

Hi Raven - I've been thinking about what you asked me earlier in the thread & manBrain put exactly what I was thinking down in words regarding the kids. I completely know where you're coming from about the interruptions, and I cope by making 'me' time and 'them' time. I've no idea how old yours are but, by as young as 3, I firmly believe kids are old enough to understand this. I tell them that I will give them lots of attention at times, but at other times I need space in my head - even as toddlers they 'got' it. In return, I make sure I always respect the time I have said I will give over to them - and I don't find it that hard so long as I know I also have time to destress. By 6, they are old enough to grasp that they can co-exist with me in my space, so long as they are not interrupting - for example they can enjoy watching a documentary with me, if they are quiet, and the 'reward' they get for their good behaviour is mummy time, and often afterwards the chance to chat about the program. (Bonus all round as they get educated in the process!)
Of course this may not apply if your kids have spectrum or other issues themselves. Also, it doesn't help at all if you've no support with the kids to get your down time - neither of which I know.



Another thing I learnt this last year, was to change my projects to make them more interruption-proof. Eg by making my projects smaller - I tried to grow all sorts in my garden last year, and it go so overwhelming when I couldn't do it to what I see as my best ability. This year has been much more pleasurable, as I have grown less and the things I've grown have been more successful, and I'm much happier with my achievements. I also changed from cross-stitch (which I get very absorbed by) to crochet - which I find I can pick up and put down without it being so frustrating; I chose colour based patterns rather than counting ones, so I can restart easily (....there'd still be hell to pay if I lost count,and I'd probably unpick the whole lot and start again!)



As to the Anger management - what I found works for me is to accept that the anger is ok. I have found that when I have some kind of validation - some concurrence from someone, I start to feel vindicated and the intensity starts to dissipate very quickly.
- An example of this was some old man in an invalid vehicle started shouting at me, he was unjustified, but most non-AS people would probably have walked on by ignoring him. I got so wound up by it, he ended up running over my foot (accidentally) as he "stormed off" (in the only way you can storm off, when you're in a very slow electric car; It would have been funny in an different life). There were many witnesses to how upset I was - but even at the time I knew most of the problem was due to my AS, not his behaviour - anyway, someone called the police and the police officer told me that I was quite within my right to have him charged with assault because I had found his behaviour so intimidating, and he had physically injured me and that neither his being "old and frail", nor my being "sensitive" were justifications, from a legal perspective, for intimidation. (I ended up getting the police to have a "stern word" as to be honest I could never have gone through with all the hassle of giving evidence, and I didn't think it would do anyone any good). It is an extreme example, of what I mean by getting some kind of validation, but this incident a few years ago was the first time someone had 'listened' to my side of the story, and it gave me more respect for myself - so I have based all future anger-inciting incidents on this type of resolution.

The short version of this reads: 1) get a sympathetic ear and explain why you feel so angry 2) plot some revenge, then when you're feeling better decide whether or not to execute that revenge. I guess part 1) might not work for you, if you don't like talking to people, but you might be able to modify it somehow.

The second part of anger management for me, is actually knowing that for me, it is better to allow myself to be angry than try to "manage" that feeling! If I let it run its course, perhaps by taking my anger somewhere I can express it without harming any innocents, such as to a park where I can run, shout or kick trees, then I actually recover much more quickly.

Sorry for wittering on about myself, I am just hoping that you can take something from my examples.

Maybe I am reading more into what you are saying, but I know every feeling you are having. May I suggest a calm, female, neurologist before you see a therapist? Some of the things you feel and some of the things you do to cope sound like you might want to check that out first. Be absolutely candid and truthful. She will do an EEG, maybe a cat scan or MRI (they all do that) and may decide medication will help. If its the right one you wont feel doped, just cleared of the static and unhingyness and irritability.
The thing about drugs that a therapist or regular dr might give you is that they are going to mess with your brain. I know I prefer a neurologist to mess with my brain and a therapist to talk to about life and coping stuff when my brain is less jumbled -after you know what is organic and what is emotional.
Im no dr, and I am not giving you a diagnosis or medical advice--just suggest you see the right dr that will rule out a mild seizure disorder that can cause some of your feelings. You still will have your aspergers, but it will be sort of cleaner to deal with.
Just an idea.