What am I?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm pretty sure I'm transgendered. I started questioning my gender around a year ago, since then I've gone through stages where I've thought I was androgynous, transsexual, genderqueer, agendered, bigendered, crossdresser, autogynephilic or just plain cisgendered. I'm usually good at analysing and finding patterns in myself, but I've had trouble with this, mainly feelings on it fluctuate so much that I'm not quite sure what the heck it is. By the way, I'm a guy.

Here's some background info:

How I act: I'm not very aggressive for a male and I tend to have feminine habits (e.g. crossing my legs). When I look at my face in the mirror, I sometimes try to adjust it to be more feminine. But there are times when I feel really dominant and aggressive, almost like a rush. At times I also get a rush when I see external acts of dominance(like how you feel in a musical piece when there's a brilliant, powerful ending).

What I wear: I wear skinny jeans and tightish, as opposed to baggy, shirts, mainly because I just feel more comfortable in them (which might just be an Aspie thing though because I also like soft clothing). Even before I was consciously aware of my gender problem I did weird things like buy a peace-sign Lucky-brand that I wanted but felt a little embarrassed wearing at school. I've wanted to paint my nails, but that's impossible to do without coming out.

Sexual Identity: I'm attracted to tomboys, or just women in general who are more masculine than average. Sometimes I think I could go for a guy, but I'm not very hot on the idea of gay sex. Sometimes I play with my nipples even though it doesn't do much for me. In my fantasies I'm usually female half the time and male the other half. Sometimes I'm turned on by the thought of being a girl, and that's when I look at a woman's legs with a mix of lust of envy. That last part makes me guilty of my gender issues sometimes because I feel like I'm spending so much time on such a trivial thing, like I'm squandering myself; I'll get that next-morning feeling and go "Ugh. f**k me f**k f**k f**k me... why did I do that?" Sometimes the thought of sex just gives me a nausea of hedonistic emptiness. Sometimes my gender dysphoria correlates positively with how horny I am, other times it's just random.

Gender dysphoria: not much discomfort with my biological gender at all, really. I'm fine with being male but sometimes I think I'd be in a better position if I was femme androgynous. There are times when I want to get hormones and get an orchiectomy. I moisturise with coconut oil a lot for the soft feeling it gives my skin. And, like I said, I've shaved my legs quite recently to see how it felt. I like the idea of growing old and having that air of gravitas that Mark Twain or Sean Connery had/have (part of the power/dominance feelings). If I was female, much of how I act wouldn't change; I'd probably be a tomboy. And then there are days I just forget about my gender expression and act naturally. My feelings change CONSTANTLY on this, from indifference to disgust to intense desire. A part of me feels like I should just forget about it and get on with my life, but I feel that if I do that the feelings will just come back.

Sorry if that was a bit jumbled. Anybody here have a similar experience or any ideas to toss up?

You are a HUMAN BEING, first and foremost. Always remember that. Everything else is secondary.

With that out of the way, I suggest that you might benefit more from a professional opinion than from the opinions of strangers on a social website.

Just sayin'.

Yes, I understand that, and I am actively seeking therapy, but forums like these have their advantages too--you only get one opinion in therapy, although it's usually a well-informed one, and it costs you; here, I'm pulling from a large field of people (some of whom possibly include professionals) who have real-world experience with these things. A therapist is as much a stranger to me as anybody here. I was just curious if there was anyone who had any advice or was in a similar predicament. And you might have received the false impression that I'm obsessed with aligning myself with labels, when really I'm just trying to find a label that most closely describes what I feel and can help me explain myself to myself.

Are you also diagnosed with AS, or elsewhere on the spectrum? It is not uncommon for autistic people to feel "inbetween genders". By that, I mean it is more common among the autistic population than the NT population.

Can I ask how old you are? I'm 26, and I've recently started "coming out", but I have identified as transgender for close to five years. Before that, I had no word to describe myself. I've always known (and others close to me have) that I'm not a girl, even though I look and sound like one. I never struggled with expressing myself, I think my autism helped with that because I don't care or notice what other people do or think.
I have not worn girl clothes since I was about ten. Save for one evening when I went as a date to graduation at fifteen, my wedding at twenty-two, and during my pregnancy.
I frequently forget that I am actually female-bodied, until "that time of the month", or until I look in the mirror. It's like, I see these boobs and thighs, and soft arms. It's so silly to me. It took me until I was about twelve, to realize that the person in the mirror WAS myself, I had to train myself to recognize the face my eyes saw, rather than the face my brain was programmed to see. I'm not sure if that makes sense, or sounds like something you have felt.
As a child, teenager and young adult I was able to express myself in new ways, to give myself more comfort. EG...went from girl clothes, to boy clothes (including underwear) around age ten. I don't wear make-up, I have a short styled hair cut. I even (for whatever reason) grow a significant amount of facial hair. There isn't much more I can do to become comfortable with myself, and I'm struggling.
I'm working on coming out to my healthcare providers currently, and getting into the right therapy, and on the right medications. One day it may include hormone replacement, so that I can bring my body in harmony with the rest of me.

I don't know exactly what you were looking for, but this is a general idea of my story. Feel free to ask me any questions, I'll be as open as I can be, without disclosing too much on a public forum.

mb1984,

I almost certainly have AS--I'm working on getting a therapist for that too , if only to have myself formally diagnosed. By the way, I'm a teenager (I'd rather not say more than that).

I'm the opposite of you when it comes to expressing (or trying to express) myself, mainly because I misinterpret social cues, which in turn makes me paranoid. It's not because I really care what they think of me (though sometimes I do), I'm just scared that what I'm doing isn't the best thing for me to do, and sometimes persons' reactions are a good way to gauge that. But since I misinterpret those reactions most of the time, it usually just makes me feel anxious and insecure. So I'm trying to quit that habit.

I don't think I quite understand the mirror bit. Do you mean that you have a hard time seeing your own face as others see it? Or something else? I have a theory that the reason people don't do a good job of noticing the identifying features of their own face is that they're "numb" to those features from seeing them all the time.

I've heard about the "inbetween genders" thing too. I also heard it may have something to with our inability to respond to social cues at a young age.

How do like therapy? Is it worth it? I know it varies from therapist to therapist, but in your case is it working out well?

You know, I don't fully understand why I couldn't recognize myself when I was a kid. I just vaguely remember having to train my brain to understand that was what I looked like. Perhaps that is normal though...and has nothing to do with being transgendered!!

So far I can say that therapy is very beneficial for me. It's good to be able to be honest about myself. I'm going to a center specifically for the LGBT community, so the counsellors are trained in gender issues. It took a lot to get to this point though, I had to be at the life or death point. BUT...now I am definitely glad that I'm doing it all.

Are you able to find time when you are alone, when you are able to express yourself? Even a few minutes a day might help some of your feelings. I can see how, if you are male-bodied, it might be harder for you to express yourself. It seems that female-bodied individuals are able to wear/do a wider variety of things without being descriminated against.

That's good that therapy is going well for you! My main barrier for it is whether to go to an AS therapist or a gender therapist first. I know the condition that the former specialises in may be the underlying base of my gender issues, but I also want to get those issues worked out as soon as possible.

I think my biggest barrier for expressing myself is me, because I'm not sure how I want to go about doing it. I dress pretty much how I'd dress normally en femme (skinny jeans and (soft) somewhat-tight t-shirt), though sometimes I feel like wearing a skirt and leggings. A big part of it for me is the physical aspect. A lot of times I feel like waxing my legs and shaving my armpits or making myself up a bit--and painting my nails wouldn't be bad either. And then there's the issue with hormones. Sometimes I really want to go on oestrogen to have boobs and softer skin and that whole deal, I might not go all the way, but I'd want some of it. That's part of the reason I want to figure myself out as soon as possible--while I'm still young and my body is still pliable. And to answer your question, I have a tall, somewhat androgynous body shape now (thin for a guy). My face is still rounded, which is good. But there's also times when I'm averse to hormones, mainly because I think it would be too sexual for me and occupy too much of mind. And sure, part of it is sexual. Also, I'm a little scared it will change my psyche in unexpected ways. I also worry that if I do too much too fast that the amount of change will overwhelm and depress me (part of the AS, I think). Another big barrier is school. I'm in a small school and (theoretically) I can only do so much before I start getting questions. I plan on shaving my armpits and waxing my legs around November when I can hide my legs inconspicuously. Also, there's a ridiculous uniform policy at my school

I'd say that I'm mostly genderless in how I act even though I want to look more female.

By the way, what's your sexual orientation?

I was at the same place as you, wondering do I work on my AS related issues, or my gender issues, primarily? I decided to first work on my gender and dysphoric feelings. I figure that it may help with some of my other issues, in regards to anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc.
As for my orientation, gender doesn't really matter to me, there are male and female bodies and features that turn me on. I prefer "tomboy" females or smaller males who are not overly masculine. (I'm a small person so it doesn't look weird or anything lol). As for relationships and friendships, I do generally prefer the company of males.
I understand what you mean by wanting to figure it out young. I'm feeling the same way. I know that who I am inside does NOT match who I am on the outside. I don't want to waste more years hating myself than I have already. I have heard that to get the best results from hormones, it is best to start before age 30. I know that you said you are a teen, and if your facial hair has not come in heavily yet, then you will not have to undergo electrolysis to remove it. That would be a huge benefit for you as a male body. I'm fairly sure that one day I'd like to start hormones, but as of now I am unsure about surgeries. I think I'll take it one step at a time, and if I become dysphoric about my body again then I would go further.

I think I realise what you meant by not recognising yourself in the mirror. I think I feel that way too. Most of the time I just feel like a bodiless personality (especially when I'm on the Internet). And whenever I think about my body for too long, I feel terrible and somewhat guilty for whatever reason, I don't know. I think that most of my gender confusion is just me trying to find the body that fits my personality, because they seem so out of sync. I'm a very introspective person so I know my personality inside and out and I feel like I have some level of control over it--it's like my home. But my body is so static and spatial (I'm don't think well in that area) and illogical (I don't know if that last part makes sense). So in this vacuum of gender expression, I've gone to the type of body that I think looks best--a woman's--because that makes the best sense aesthetically? I'm not sure. That's my best theory. But the problem is I also equivocate the female body with sexuality at times (usually when I'm aroused), and while I have nothing against healthy sexual activity, I'm worried having a more feminine body would be too sexual for me. Like, perhaps having a female body would be too distracting to myself and others and put too much weight on what my body looks like when I'm really trying to bring out my personality. But trying to change your body with your personality is hard when sometimes you feel like looking like Steve Jobs and other times you feel like looking like Zooey Deschanel. I really wish I could shape-shift, haha. And I think that's the crux of my problem: sometimes I want others to see me as male, sometimes as nothing, and sometimes as female--I'm just trying to find the point on gender spectrum that best satisfies all of my parameters.

Two weeks ago I had this strange moment of sudden clarity where I felt very happy, and it was a full, rich happy. And because I felt I saw everything so clearly at the time, I wrote down what I felt about my gender expression. And in short, I wrote that my body doesn't matter that much, but I thought I'd be happier with a feminine body. I also wrote that I thought I had trouble figuring this out normally because male sex hormones or just hormones in general had been clouding my view of myself and others. So I don't know, I suppose that makes sense, but I'm not sure. I disagree with it sometimes too.

About what you said about your orientation: I personally think orientation is fluid like gender. I'd date anyone (of a certain age) so long as our personalities agreed and they weren't overly unattractive.

I know what you mean about wanting your body to fit your personality. I feel like that in ways, I feel like I need to restrain certain behaviors or actions that don't match my physical sex. I was at one point quite comfortable being androgenous, but I'm at the point now where that does not make me comfortable anymore. I literally have to remind myself that I am infact biologically female.
I'm also very introspective, and I even surprise my therapists with the amount of self-knowledge I possess. I know exactly who I am. I am really hoping to start hormone treatments in the near future so I can finally show everyone else.
I personally don't believe that gender is a binary system. We have two sexes, and so we can basically choose M or F. But I really feel that genitals do not define a person. There are thousands of men born with vaginas, and thousands of women born with penises.