Advice for parent of an AS on a destructive path

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Tony Attwood is an often cited "AS guru" of sorts around these parts who has published books in the domain of Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know much else about the man other than that his sense of the condition seems to be ahead of the curve, as in he seems to harbour an understanding of it that goes beyond the range of your average psych. I've never read his published material, however, so I couldn't give a recommendation, but other aspies seem to hold him in high-esteem.

Last edited by TwistedReflection on 24 Sep 2011, 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yet, another good suggestion; I have told him sometime ago about WP but he didn't have much interest at the time. We live in a small town so AS is rather uncommon, but some kind of AS support group is a very interesting idea.

i agree with Williard.

It does not sound to me that his diagnosis is correct.
definitely not aspergers behaviour.

Sounds like a tough situation.

As he feels as though he's finally part of a group you're going to be hard-pressed to convince him to stop. Personally I think it's going to be close to impossible to steer him back on track while he maintains that particular attitude. If he ever DOES want to change it's going to be difficult. He's clearly falling behind already and may very well need your support. I would try and make it clear that while you don't support this 'gangsta' BS you'll be there to help him when he needs it. It would be bad if he ends up believing he has no where else to turn.

Twistedreflection suggested directing him here for support... I doubt that will achieve anything. He's already happy with the support network provided by his gangsta chums and no one here is going to able to condone that kind of behaviour...

Anyway hope my advice helps. Good luck. It's not going to be easy.

No. I meant that he needs a support base of AS individuals, whether on the internet or within his community. God, I hate being misunderstood.

Edit: Actually, scratch that; it turns out that I misunderstood you.

Firstly, I would like to thank the members who have commented in this thread for their advice. It has been helpful to hear from you.

Secondly, here is an update: The kid did do most of his homework for a week. But he decided to tag a bunch of large gang graffiti on some doors and lockers at school and was caught on camera, which makes me believe he wanted to get caught because he is well aware of the school's camera locations. Because he is on probation for starting a fire at school he will spend a few days in JD before being released. Later, we will have to go to court so he can be sentenced for probation violation and property damage. I have no idea how much time he will be sentenced if any.

Now the question is; where is he going to school after this incident; AS or no AS this school cannot allow him to continue to perpetuate this kind of damage.

The vice principal is new at the job and asked me if the kid poses a threat to students, and I could not answer the question.


I don't know how to motivate the kid into acting different. I am so frustrated and don't want him to waste the rest of his life because of some kind of gangster compulsion. I also do not want to be harmed or have him harm someone else.

Thirdly, I am well aware of how advance fee fraud or "419" operates, so please do not contact me with anymore offers of a share of Nigerian prince wealth.

These two answers are the key IMO. The boy is acting rationally, from his perspective. He hates being picked on and feeling weak. Gangsta culture gives him the confidence he needs. So the solution is to find him a better gang. That will depend on where you live: you need somewhere with a very strong culture and excellent leaders. In some areas there are excellent churches that really understand troubled youth. In other areas there are superb martial arts groups. In other areas it's boxing. Or army cadets (depending on his age). Each of these has a strong foundations and highly structured group activities, and many (e.g martial arts) have a long history of loners. If he can see that gangstas are fake imitations and these places are the real thing, then you have won. Gangsta is easy and shallow, but to really "man up" can provide him with much more.

The trick is to make him aware of it without appearing to recommend it - no gangsta likes to do what adults tell him!

Once a better alternative is on his radar, then (and only then) it's time to make him aware of the down side of doing time in prison. Bullying, intimidation, nasty stuff, exactly the kind of thing he became a gangsta to avoid. But he has to make the discovery himself.

That's just my view. But the good news is that he does seem to be behaving rationally, at least from his very limited perspective. So that gives hope.

Noted; thank you; good points.

He has no interest in actually attending church, as he sees no reason to believe in a higher power. Martial arts have been ruled out in the past because of verbal and physical threats of violence. Now that he is a weapon loving gangsta, I don't think that these are options. He would like to join the Army but he is too young to take the split training option.

Since he has little interest in school; I gave him a number for the Job Corps...no interest.

moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion

The problem with suggesting other groups to attend is it is hard to really know what kind of an influence it's going to have. Martial arts would make it easier for him to defend himself but it would also make it easier for him to hurt other people (and get into even more trouble with the law).. It might provide a new community or group of friends but it may also lead to social rejection and just make things worse.

Perhaps you could talk to him and find out what it is about the army that appeals to him. This might give you an opportunity to suggest something else that targets a similar interest (depending on what he's looking for). He not be interested in anything else but you never know.

I'd rather not say why he wants to join the Army, the reason is not a positive one.

Anyway, I found some quite disturbing items in his room...

I am quite depressed that there is really nothing I can do to help, so I will not be following this thread anymore. I don't feel that I belong here in this forum anyway.

In a nutshell, I am really tired (stressed, depressed, anxious) and hope I live through the next two years of the kid's misspent anger and gangsterism. If after two years, he does not leave to live on his own, then I will divorce his mom and move for my safety and sanity. I understand that his flavor of AS is not usual, and hold no hard feelings against other Aspies.

Wow, that came out of nowhere. Good luck man. Hang in there. If the boy becomes a threat to the safety of yourself or the rest of your family you need to do something about it. If you end up taking one last look at this thread.. speak to your wife about it. Make a decision together (or alone if you must..) on what to do if he becomes dangerous and stick to it. Having a plan in advance can make it easier. Your safety has to come first.

In that case it sounds like you are doing the right thing. The only remaining option is to leave it to the authorities, and wait til he gets hurt. Sit it out for a couple of years and then he will learn the hard way: aspie gangstas do not prosper.

Looking on the "bright" side, his AS traits mean he is very likely to be caught if he does anything, any potential victims have a better chance of avoiding him, and he is less likely to be a career criminal (that probably requires reasonable social skills). Once he is old enough to get serious punishment he will find gangstarism really does not work for someone with AS. It will be a painful experience for him, but that seems to be the path he has chosen.

I admire your determination to find out everything you can (e.g. by visiting these boards). As a step parent you at least have the comfort of knowing that you were not there at the start, so could not have done anything different back when he may have been easier to help. You are doing what you can with the terrible cards you have been dealt. I don't see what else you can do, so you can rest easy at night. If anyone criticizes you, just suggest they adopt him if they can do any better.

As a footnote, my special interest is economics, and I note how different your life would be if the economy was not so messed up. As someone else who has very limited economic choices (see my user name) I sympathize when you can see options that are not available to you. With a bit more money you could move house, Enroll him in some special course, hire experts, do all kinds of things. But you don't have that money and that is just how it is. If the economy had been handled better over the past 30 years there would be more jobs and more choices for everybody. But that isn't the case.