I miss being here

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lilolme, I am so sorry to hear how difficult things have been, and that you have suffered such loss.

We miss you, too.

its hard to convince them, for many it is an escape from the tough life of being autistic. sorry i forgot my awkward aspie hugs. i will remember your story so i don't make the same mistakes.

Its ok, Im not a big hugger . If my sons story and his tragic death help anyone that is comforting to me and I know that this would make him happy as well. I dont ever want my son to be forgotten and I have sort of adopted all his friends who were in recovery with him including his x girlfriend who has many problems of her own an overdosed shortly after his death but she was thankfully saved by family. She blames herself and I tell her that it is not her fault. His friend also has a lot of guilt that she did not notice that there was something off about him that night and she is haunted by the fact that she found him in her bathroom that morning. They were very close and even her girls (3 and 14) called my son Uncle so it has been hard on them too. I am giving her some jewelry (also my two older girls and I) with some of his ashes inside to help comfort her.

It is very hard and next to impossible to get an addict to listen until they are ready so just let your friends know that when and if they are ready that you are there for them. Getting clean is very difficult to do on your own, they need a lot of support. My son did have support and many friends. They had a beautiful memorial for him at his sober house. They filmed it for me but I still havent seen it. My Mom is having a hard time sending some things to me. I told her I wanted some of his clothes that smelled like him and so she has bagged up his pillow case and a shirt for me. She says she will send it but she feels like sending it to me will hurt me but I, of course, want these things. Anyway, my parents told me that memorial was beautiful and everyone had wonderful stories about my son and how giving he was, how he would drop everything to help a friend in need. At the end the released doves......I know it will be hard to get his things but as I said, I want them and I want his ashes. They said they could ship them to me but that scared me so I decided to have my parents keep them for now but the final destination on the paperwork is here with me. I will have my necklace....it is a dolphin with a baby swimming under her and on the back I am engraving "My Sunshine" in latin (mihi soles). I have also adopted an orca in his memory. His name is Takota which means "friend to everyone" is Sioux Indian and that describes my son very well. I will keep the certificate of adoption next to his ashes and continue to adopt him every year.
I adopt orcas for my nieces and my nephew on their birthday's so I decided it would help me to adopt one in memory of my son. Im kind of orca and dolphin obsessed especially orca.....I have very strong feelings for them and I believe that when someone dies their spirit is free so I like to think that my son can now do anything he wants, even swim with the orca's. He always liked excitement, as my Mom says: "J.T. wanted it to be Christmas every day!"
I used to think if he were not an addict he could have been a paramedic or a fireman....he told me once that he would like to work in forensics like CSI (his favorite show). Im sad for what he could have done but I feel that he is happy and peaceful now.

I never believed in life after death and it may be that the thought of my son being gone forever is just too hard for me to accept but I "feel" him....he is a part of me but I am painfully aware that he is not here with me anymore even though I am still somehow connected to him. I found this poem that describes how I feel, I changed "child" to son and the ending a bit:

The Cord

We are connected,

My son and I, by

An invisible cord


Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.


This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.


I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my son to me.


The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.


It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.


And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.


It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.


I am thankful for this love that

Connects us this way

A mother and son

Death can't take it away!

The poem made me cry. Even if you are not into hugs, I wish that I could give you one.

liloleme, i am so so sorry to hear about your son. i personally dont think we are ever disconnected from those we really love. we still love them even when they are gone, thats what keeps the connection going. and your love for your son has always been obvious in how you talk about him. i hope you find peace despite your loss.

Oh, I am so sorry.