talking to my parents about AS...

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well, this is something that i was thinking about bringing up with my parents towards the end of 2004, but i didn't because of my grandmother dying and then my final year uni exams getting in the way... but, now my exams are over, and i'm visiting my family tomorrow for the Bank Holiday weekend, i'm thinking about it again...

(basic back story: i left my parents' house at the age of 16 because my dad gave me a choice of studying the subjects he wanted me to or leaving, so i left, mainly because relations between me and them had never been good to begin with... i now think a lot of that was caused by misunderstandings relating to undiagnosed AS... since then, i've been in touch enough to visit my parents every couple of months or so (mostly because of my younger brother), but kept a good 90% of my real life, including all my depression and job/housing/uni problems from them because of wanting them to think i was being a "success" on my own... now, my mum in particular seems to want to get closer to me, probably because i'm one of the few living family members she has left after her mum died...)

the reasons i want to bring the subject up are:

1) because i think would go quite a long way towards explaining why so many things went wrong between me and my parents, and perhaps make them feel less bad about "screwing up" with me

2) because of my mum wanting to get closer to me after my nan died (i've been invited to join them on a family holiday this summer which i would actually quite like to go on, but couldn't hack spending a whole week with them without revealing my real" self), and because i found out (accidentally) at the funeral that there are other (distant) members of the family with AS

3) because there are unanswered questions relating to child psychologists i was sent to at the ages of 8 and 13/14, who i never heard even a suspected diagnosis from, and i don't know what they might have told my parents but not me...

Reasons i don't want to bring it up are:

1) as the psychologist i went to for diagnosis said to me, it could suggest things about them that they would rather not consider about themselves (AS is thought to be genetic, and my mum is definitely dyspraxic (tho i don't think diagnosed) and my dad and brother both have AS-ish or at least strongly geeky traits that could put them in the "shadow syndrome" category, except that they don't seem to negatively affect their lives enough to warrant labelling)

2) it seems a little unfair on my mum to bring it up so soon (2 months) after her mum died

3) there's a possibility things could get ugly if i discover that they knew stuff all along but didn't tell me and/or if they discover how much of my life i've been keeping from them (ie, that the relatively happy and successful person they think they know isn't the "real" me)

it's fairly unlikely that i'll actually bring it up tomorrow, but i'm thinking of hinting at it (in a "there are things i want to talk about, but maybe not now" sort of way) at some point during the weekend...

what do people think? that i should bring it up, or that it's better not?

(this post came out a lot longer than i thought it would...)

i never understand a paeernt saying that i mean are they taking the course or is the child .my parents werent like that .i guss we all feel like are parent are conrtoling in some way or another ,but i been in sped ed and getting help since 3 and still do i have autism and learing disibilitys .so im allways fighting for more conrtol in my life and telling ever one to stop acting like the behavior police .i see nt people not being allways nice /.my mom say im not awear enough of the world .that why i cant do something on my own.you must be prety high f to be able to live on your own since 16 .did you stay w/other family members or how did you surive pout in the world .i hope things go better ,im lucky i have a good family

This is a tough one.

I think, in general, when a parent is controlling such as your Dad is/was, they almost never change. Know that its okay to set and keep your boundries what ever you might bring up or not bring up.

As a parent who spends a lot of time on parenting boards, I need to tell you that few parents welcome a dianoises in their adult child even if it explains why things were rough. At least initially. In addition to having to see it in themselves, they have to face that they passed it on to you and that they failed to see it in you and get you assistance. If it goes poorly, give them time to get used to the idea.

Good luck to you.

BeeBee

I just typed up an approximately 200 word reply and then got booted offline. I am so aggravated right now. Maybe I will try again, maybe I won't.

Anyway, it felt good to get it all off my chest even if no one will ever read it!

Haha i know what you mean that sucks.

Well this subject has some meaning to me since i've been thinking the same thing since i learned of AS, i left home because me and my mother were in very bad terms, i feel like telling her will explain things to her why i was always such a failure in life. But see even though it would be helpful to our relationship, i dont even really think i would want to have a better relationship with her with all she has put me through but theres always that thought in the back of my head about telling her.

What ever you do, you have to do it for you and not for your parents, do what feels right, i've already made my descion about this for myself.

When I told my mother I expected a negative reaction or at least denial. She surprised me by saying that I had changed her perception of her own childhood difficulties. We then went on to agree that my brother is probably also Aspie.

She felt apologetic about how I was raised, but I cut that off by pointing out that (1) *nobody* knew anything about AS when my brother and I were younger, (2) she did the best she could with the information she was given by the doctors at the time, and (3) we turned out OK. She did essentially everything the doctors would tell a parent to do today to improve our socialization and communication skills. I still lack empathy, etc., but that's not her fault.

I think you should tell her.

I will never tell my mother; she is way too much into the bitterness and blame game, for everything in her life. My parents have been divorced for 20 years, and looking at it all now from an enlightened adult perspective (I am not a psychologist, BTW) I would bet anything on my dad easily getting an AS dx and that being a fundamental cause of their miserable marriage and ultimate separation/divorce after 25 years. My mom doesn't need any more reasons to believe it was "all dad's fault." (It most certainly WASN'T all dad's fault.)

No one ever heard of AS when I was growing up. I was medicated (no one understood stims), applauded for my intellectual giftedness by family and teachers, ignored or teased by other kids (tho not by my family, to their credit), and I learned to adapt. I can appear pretty much "normal" anytime I choose now. But it's always nice to relax and be myself. My husband DOES understand all about AS, and accepts me and our 11 yo son just as we are.

Bringing up the "excuse" of AS (which is how my mom would see it) would cause untold difficulties in an already strained relationship with her. And my dad, at almost 70 years old, and after 20 years of being divorced, is quite happy where he's at. In fact, in September, he's marrying a sweet eccentric old lady who lives downstairs from him in his senior citizen high rise. At 70 years old! More power to him! AS or no AS is irrelevent to his situation at this point.

I also have no intention whatsoever of mentioning AS in relation to my 11yo son's "quirky" behaviors and mannerisms. My mom can just chalk it up to his intellectual giftedness, as she always did with me.

So as far as my life goes, the people who need to know (husband, kids) know. The people who don't need to know (parents, inlaws) WON'T know.

I am VERY thankful that my mother believes that I am AS. This has eased up our relationship incredibly. Now, she understands that I am not cold and distant at times or that I am not being difficult deliberately.

She is understanding now. And our relationship is even quite pleasant. I am grateful to know about Aspergers and that she agrees with it, too.

She seems relieved to finally have a single name for my lifelong behavior.

IS IT HARD TO EXCEPT THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING WRONG OR A RELIF
OR DID YOU KNOW YOU WERRE DIFF GROWING UP BUT DIDNT KNOW WHY .I WAS ALL WAYS IN SPED SO I DOINT KNOW ANY DIFF

I am grateful that I always enjoyed being different. But I didn't like not having many friends. And I don't enjoy the anxiety as well and not being able to stand people for too long. But I have been lucky in many ways.

well, i'm at my parents' house now (they've gone to bed), but i don't think i'm going to bring the subject up this visit... i've succumbed to the inertia of not breaking the "neutral" facade of non-personality i have with them...

but i have pretty much decided (on the advice of a couple of close friends as well) that i am going to bring the subject up, hopefully the next time...

thing is, the more i think about it, the more i can't believe that they don't know, or at least suspect... my dad has a degree in biology, and a general knowledge possibly even bigger than mine... it's incredibly hard for me to imagine him not knowing what AS is... i don't know how i'd react if i bring the subject up and the response is "i know"...

i wonder if they're going to watch the documentary on autism/AS on Channel 4 this week... if they do, i can't see them not recognising similarities with me...

That (the bit about not wanting to have a relationship with them) was how i felt for several years, but over the last 2-3 years it seems my parents have more actively wanted to develop a vaguely positive "adult" relationship with me, and now for my mum since her mum died, i think she in particular wants to get closer to and more open with me because my nan was kind of the centre of a big extended family and without her there's not really anyone to hold it together, and since her dad and brother are also dead i'm one of the only close relatives my mum has left...

also, ironically through the neutral facade/"don't talk about anything controversial" thing, i've actually (re)discovered lots of genuine interests that my dad, brother and i have in common (wildlife/environment, sci-fi/fantasy geek stuff) that i've also been getting back into through some friends who i've got really close to in the last couple of years, so it almost feels like things have shifted so that their world and my world are "converging" again (if that makes sense... i'm possibly a bit superstitious like that)...
hmmm... i know what you mean, but i think i disagree to a certain extent... i'm the last person ever to believe in the sanctity of the nuclear family or to think there is any sort of "blame" attached to or "apology" required for having AS, but i think that i *do* have some obligations to my parents (conditional in the sense of "if i want honest relations betwen me and them, then i must..." rather than absolute, if you want to bring moral philosophy into it), not to apologise/take blame/dish out blame, but to offer an explanation which is actually plausible for why things were so f'ed up... since i think trying to raise me screwed with their heads a lot, and it makes me uncomfortable to think of them still suffering guilt and confusion over me...

also, i've already outlined the reasons that i am doing it for myself (as well as for them) - i want to know what was/was not said between those child psychologists and my parents, and can't ask without bringing the whole thing up... which was the first thing that prompted me towards this...

i think i might wait until i actually have a diagnosis in the form of a piece of paper which i can show them tho...

Last edited by shivanataraja on 29 May 2005, 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MAYBE YOUR DAD HAS IT TO SO HE DOSNT .SEE IT IN HIMSELF .WHAT IDONT UNDERSTAND IS HOW SOME OF YOU GOT BY IN SCHOOL AND NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING WAS WRONG ALOT OF YOU WERENT EVEN IN SPED ED .I GUSS FOR A PARENT WHO THINK THERE KID IS FINE .MUST BE HARD TO UNDERSYTAND THAT THEY HAVE A PROUBLEM

This was very difficult for me as well.

I told my parents, who immediately went into denial. My childhood followed the typical AS childhood to a T, but it was tough fr them to accept because...

1. They didn't know anything about AS.
2. They had passing notions of autism, but decided I couldn't have anything close because I talked and allowed them to hold me.
3. I had previously been diagnosed ADD, and they felt this was "close enough" to describe me.

At the same time, it opened up a dialog that allowed us to understand each other a lot more. In the end, my parents accepted the diagnosis and agreed that it was a positive step.

shivanataraja, I am wondering if your mum is wanting to for more of a relationship becuase her mum dieing may have promted her to think about her relationship with her mum, and your relationship with your mum (her). It may be that she is noticing gaps now that she did not before and is wishing to fill them with you.
If this is true of where she is coming from, then I think that she will be receptive to you sitting and having a conversation with her about AS.
One great thing about the people that I have told who love me honestly is they have shifted their dinamics to adjust for me where they understand how. It helps that they see my determination to find ways of working around obsticles.
I will add that my mum was supportive before I was diagnosed, but seems somehow more receptive or something sinse diagnosis. But so am I also.
I wish you well.