On being both autistic and transgender

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For a time after going full time as a woman, I thought that I was really just neurotypical who due to having gender dysphoria as a child displayed traits associated with the autism spectrum. I have now, however, hit a bit of a wall, as trying to pretend to be NT has taken its toll. I am now a lot more comfortable being in the role of an autistic woman and am finally trying to figure out what being both means to me.

As a child, I would frequently have violent outbursts and would also have poor social skills; in fact, very early on I would deliberatly avoid social interaction outside of interaction with teachers and parents; I would engage in perseverative interests and self-stimulating behaviors as well. I thought, hey, maybe this was just expression of my displeasure with my assigned gender role, and that if my gender issues had been recognized and dealt with early on maybe I wouldn't have had to deal with all that stuff.

Well, I got a hold of the papers written on me in childhood; there seemed to be no mention of gender issues, even though I distinctly remember having been affected by them, but there was mention of stuff beyond what I could remember was wrong. For example, the paper said I had a significant speech delay to where I wouldn't put words together till I was 3 or 4 years old; in addition, according to my parents, as late as 4 I would still often use nonsense sounds combined with non-verbal gestures to point to things I wanted/needed. There didn't seem to be any sort of hearing problem or anything, and my records do mention having had testing to rule out things like deafness or being hard of hearing at around that age. It seems gender dysphoria would not explain something like that very well.

I was also hyperlexic and could already read by the time I could put words together in speech. I also had issues with splinter skills, like I could read at a higher grade level, but even in the 3rd and 4th grades I would still not use complete sentences in writing, according to one report. Gender dysphoria can't really explain that, either, I don't think. Nor could it explain the short digit span (4) that I had, contrasting with very strong block design abilities that I also had.

Considering the social skills issues are still present, and the fact that a lot of the time I just am plain not that interested in social interaction, as well as still having perservations and fixations and stereotypies, I probably am on the autism spectrum.

Now maybe the autism spectrum disorder caused the gender dysphoria? I doubt it, though, considering its persistence and the fact that it seems different from the fixations and perseverations in quality, I am probably still transgender. I consider how I've always disliked looking at or touching my own genitals, hiding them when I'm in the bath, adjusting them in such a way that I don't feel them brush up against my leg, and otherwise averting my eyes from them, that it's clear I do have gender dysphoria (to include genital dysphoria). I also remember cases where I would get involved in some girl activities, like playing with lipstick when young with my sister, and it felt like something important to me was being expressed.

So to wrap it up, I think it's clear I am both autistic and transgender.

I think the thing to really think about is? How do you feel living your your life as a female? Do you feel more comfortable in the role? It seems that due to our lack of ability to conform to social norms, a lot of aspies/autistics have some sorta gender "issues". Gender roles are largely constructed of social norms.

Yes, I do feel comfortable in the female role, but I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be an autistic woman.

In a sense, what it means to be an autistic women is hard to say. Cause a lot of us autistic females have our own gender issues as it is. Have you read Aspergirls and seen the sheet of aspergirl traits that Rudy Simone compiles? That is probably your best bet in figuring out what it is to be an "autistic female". As long as you feel comfortable with living your life out as a female, you probably are transgender.

I've been having a roiling meltdown over the past couple days. I'm full time now and continuing to transition, but I do also need surgery. I had read about some Canadians who were able to get it paid for through their public health care; all they had to do was be full-time for 2 years and work or go to school--they didn't need a high-paying job or anything. Here in the States, though, insurance almost never covers it, even if it is medically necessary, even though the AMA, the APA, and the other APA have come out saying insurance should cover it. That means if you go to school or don't have a very high-paying job, you are left with a very long and uncertain route, which I think is very frustrating to me and acts as a major stressor. Basically, whether you are American or Canadian will likely make a difference between a decade or longer uncertain ordeal that you don't know when it will end or what is perhaps a 5-year ordeal, but is very certain as long as you keep within the standards.

Combined with my autism, I think this is really taking a toll on me. I've been very frustrated and angry over the past couple days; I've broken things, screamed, and have had suicidal thoughts. I also banged my head, causing a concussion. I feel better, but I still feel frustrated. It seems that there is an intersectionality between autism and transgenderism that can really hit those of us with it hard.

The uncertainty is driving me nuts.

Thank you for posting your account. It was interesting to read it, and I can identify with a lot of the things you wrote. You are right that being both autistic and transgender is an extremely difficult road to walk, and very confusing too. Many of the symptoms, especially poor social ability, can be attributed to either, and so one can very well mask the other.

My behaviour as a child did not flag anything of concern for my parents (I was obedient to a fault because the world and other people so confused me, and I spent all of my time quietly reading books; they probably considered these attributes to be good ones). When I worked out that I was transgender in my late teens I thought I had discovered the explanation for all of the difficulties I had had in my life. After transitioning, although the relief from the gender dysphoria I had suffered from was enormous, I was a little perplexed that I appeared to have achieved no progress in social understanding whatsoever. It was easier to be around people but no easier to identify with them or understand how I was supposed to behave.

I feel deeply frustrated that I am so socially inept and awkward. Aside from the obvious downsides, one of the reasons this frustrates me is because I know that the people I meet who are aware I am trans are generally meeting a trans person for the first time and their impressions of a transgender person are therefore based on me. It had always been my hope that I would one day be able to show people how happy and well-adjusted a person who had been through transition could be - transgender people are so misunderstood. But it seems that that is a hope I will need to let go of, because there appears to be nothing I can do to prevent others thinking I am odd - not necessarily unlikeable, but very clumsy, absent-minded, socially inept and weird.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I am from the UK, and our health service also funds gender transition. However, many trans people, myself included, instead choose to pay for private treatment because of the waiting time involved (usually several years) and the lack of options (for example, inability to choose the surgeon and limited input into the kind of surgery to be performed). I'm not familiar with Canada's health system but suspect it would be similar to ours, so although it's wonderful that people who have no hope of saving the money have that option, it's not necessarily an ideal either - it is likely you would still need to cope with your current situation for a long while.

I hope things improve for you - I actually found the period of time post-transition to be only a little less difficult than transition itself. Things do not suddenly magically fall into place the way many of us hope they will, and there is a whole lot of finding your feet and figuring out your identity involved.