Learning how to talk to people

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,

I am in desperate need of communication training. I speak to people and I hear that I am authoritative and condescending. I don't mean to come off this way and don't even realize it when it is happening. I do realize that when I really want to get something across that it is like spoon feeding them. Remember to be nice, say it a few different ways, positive affirmations when the feedback indicates understanding, lead them into the idea, start small then give more information....etc. If my tone of voice was more effective then maybe I wouldn't have to jump through as many hoops. Anybody ever get or have training for tone of voice? Or is this a do it yourself thing. Sometimes I feel stupid for being smart and not able to get ideas across without great effort.

Desperado Bill

I have never had training, but I hate seeing posts without at least one response.

In my work, I focus most communications via email. This gives me the opportunity to edit, and also (usually) gives me the opportunity to conciously decide if what I am trying to communicate will be effective toward whatever ends I have in mind.

I don't know how to accomplish similar goals in verbal communications.

I have trouble with this too. I try to figure out ways to ask questions about the other person, but it is difficult for me. This sounds terrible, but I just lack the interest a lot of the time and it is fake, but I have figured out that a lot of casual communication is that way.

I'm going to go ahead and get a psych referral and investigate this. I much rather prefer to do things by email and writing also but at my workplace keeping written records is almost taboo. It's a shame because many times we make the same mistakes several times because nobody wrote down the "right" way. Anyways I hope to have a while longer to live and know that mastering tone of voice is my current challenge that will improve the remainder of my life. Don't know if I should bring up Aspergers or let the psych lead the way.....on second thought they have not been as successful as I would have liked in the past....I'll bring it up.

I have had similar responses to my communication style at various times in my life. What I learned is that you need to involve the other person in the conversation. Remember that conversation is not merely about disseminating information. It is about involving the other person in the process at the same time so that they feel like an equal rather than a subordinate. One of the ways you can do this is by ending your point with a question the listener can answer. At that point, shut up and listen to what they have to say. You can then analyze their end of the conversation so that you can make an appropriate response.

Another thing I know I do and can't always help is that I use fairly obscure words. This issue is about adjusting your verbiage to meet the communication needs of the listener. My issue is that I have a vast vocabulary so my mind is like a thesaurus. I use words that are normal for me to read in print or hear on an educational television program but that those whose primary interests are less intellectual may never have come across before. Thus, I come off as condescending even though this was never my intention. I don't know how best to change this though except to maybe speak to adults like I would children, but this presents it's own set of problems.

The good thing is that training works. Little by little we can push back the walls of alienation

Yes - I have been told the same thing too - glad other people struggle with this!
I hope training helps. I haven't struggled with this since I went freelance - wish more people had that option, but I know it's not for everyone.
Just don't feel bad about being smart - and yes, you do have to adjust to other people, but they also have to adjust to you - communication is a two-way street and BOTH parties have to come to the table.

when i embark on a "discussion", i bristle with preconceived sentences that i have compiled in my private speculation in that area, and i tend to go into an"uninterruptable announcement" mode (as it has been described), and i am keen to frame (with arduously detailed descriptions) every step in the development of my logical "punchline" in order to help others see how i came to my conclusion in the event that they want to know my true opinion concerning a matter.
one person ( a bi-polar girl) said that i am incapable of talking in a non "proclamatory" way. even though she coined that word (very well done), the meaning she was alluding to was that my conversational style is as if i am talking to the audience through a microphone, but i have no headphones to hear their feedback.

i am not particularly concerned that i have little ability to engage others in a communicative net, and so it does not bother me greatly, but i think if someone else had my level of functioning but wanted company badly, they would be very sad.

i can only show enthusiasm for what i am interested in. i am not interested in the things that almost everybody i talk to are.

i try hard to think of relevant things to say about their conversational topic (if they are at the time the talker), but i just can not muster enough interest to even speculate about what they are saying, let alone frame what i have "found" in a nicely constructed "friendly" sentence.

i think my problem is not an inability to communicate, but an inability to communicate in a socially polished way.

i do not listen much to replies to my words. i just consider that they have processed what i said without wondering what they thought themselves about it.

peoples replies to me are not interesting to me and i often ignore them, but i must learn to care. is it possible to learn to care?

i do not understand what drives curiosity in others (with regard to conversational content), and i can suddenly try to break an awkward silence with extraneous facts pertinent to something i found interesting, that are boring to others. so it works both ways.

i see why normal people see me as "not all there", and i also see why normal people are "not all here".

i can communicate logical processes, but my limited feelings are both not shareable, and also not worth sharing (i was described as a child as having a poverty of emotions).

whatever.

I recently realized I have a unintentionally condescending and authoritative tone at work even to superiors and I only found that out because someone did it to me. There's a person (I thought was a kid but is probably around 25) on my softball team who initially came across as an arrogant jerk who thought since he was a good player he knew everything. I always had a dislike for him until he asked for a ride home and I accepted. Turns out we have a LOT in common (we are both late bloomers, somewhat loners and are both very direct and to the point) and he was a pretty decent guy after all. Probably not Aspie but has some traits. He also has a explosive temper and has a very strong fire and passion for success that can scare some people but guess what? So do I and I'm even bigger than him! I never made the connection until someone pointed it out.

My issue has always been that I usually work with people much lower in skills & education than I. To be frank, what my co-workers suggest is usually wrong and I'm not going to waste my time debating fools. I'm very open minded but at the same time I know when something is 100% wrong and I have no issue directly saying albeit it with an explanation.

At the age of 29 I'm only now fully understanding this. I never realized I almost never ended my communications with a question and wondered why I couldn't keep a conversation going so this makes a lot of sense. For example, I never really questioned women I was interested in because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable but doing that made me seem like I was just self-absorbed and didn't care about them which could not be further from the truth!

One thing that I have been implementing is initiating small talk(?) with people that I routinely come in contact with. I can script it a little beforehand and I am hoping that when I slip and go into condecending mode that they will have that little bit of "normal" stuff to remember also. As an example I can find John and ask him about his foot and throw in there that I know something about that because sometimes my feet hurt also and even be prepared to have a little talk back and forth about shoes. Mostly though when I do that I find that people are more into themselves and want to talk about their thing than have a two way conversation. Even so, it is a start for me. Must remember that people expect questions, even though I may already know the answer.

have you thought about joining a toastmasters club? they do more than just speeches.....

I joined a Toastmasters group about 5 years ago and stayed for almost two years. I cannot speak highly enough about that organziation, particularly the group I was with. There was a very diverse group of people from 20+ year veterans to people on their first night. The atmosphere is very welcoming and I learned A LOT from them, particularly about audible pauses (ums and ahs) and you really don't realize how many you do until someone points it out. It's also extremely affordable too. If you have any opportunity at attend a Toastmasters event, go for it! There's not many places where you can get nearly professional advice for a few bucks a week!

This probably won't be terribly helpful but i've found it possible to work on tone of voice and some non verbal stuff. My trouble is I don't think before speaking, so will usually just say whatever. Example tho, I recently managed to convince my bank I can't write in English, sothey won't ask me to write anything (just impatient, didn't wanna wait) then got them to agree to let me change my signature there and then, and withdraw money with no id.. And I look shifty, so am thinking I can "work" regular people to get things done.

Am lucky in that I rarely have to speak to anyone, so can practice with less pressure.

Thanks Samian and GiantHockeyFan,

I am going to attend a toastmasters meeting coming up next week. I've heard lots of good things about them.

Believe me NT's are extremely self absorbed, most just know how to use language to hide it, so they love when they can talk about themselves. You don't even need to respond by talking about yourself, just let them keep talking about themselves and they will be happy.

Also, flattery will get you everywhere. For example if you need to get a good idea across and don't want to sound "condescending" then you could start by saying something like "you may have already thought of this, but..." or "Hey would you give me your opinion on this....."

Hope that helps.

Took me years to get the whole conversation thing down to something that people most call normal.

I usually start with small talk (how are you, how was your weekend, it's pretty cold outside today) and then work into the real talking.

Humor has been a big help. It took me a long time to figure that one out and I still have huge issues with getting sarcasm especially when the other person keeps a straight face. But what I have learned is that it's good to be a bit funny - and trust me it takes a lot of practice, best to try with someone you trust first. When I'm funny I'm mostly "punny" - in other words, play on words. I call our house cat the "howly meowler" and tell people that she gives "cattitude". People laugh so I must be doing something right.

The one big benefit of being a bit funny is that when I say something inappropriate by accident (and in retrospect I've said some real stunning things over the years) people often think you're just making another joke (albeit a bad one) and cut you some slack.

Try not to be too funny though as that comes off as really odd. Just a bit funny is just right. And try to smile when people laugh, even if you don't know what they're laughing at. And yes, the smiling part takes a lot of practice too.

My two bits for what they're worth