Still confused - and nearly obsessed

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, it's been about one month and a half since I stumbled onto this thing they call Asperger's. Still keep going back and forth: I take the tests and consistently come up with "you are very likely an aspie"... and the Wired AS test shows consistent AS-like results. Then I also score high on schizoid, ADD, Introversion, in the MBTI-like tests it's always INTP/INFP...
But then I read the more 'clinical' descriptives - which seem rather broad to me - and think, "no, that's not me" (maybe because they are describing a DISORDER rather than a personality TYPE).
But then I remember flickering occurences in childhood and adolescence that COULD indicate compliance with the more 'clinical' criteria, but, since childhood and adolescence was in the 60's and 70's, would not be recognized as Asperger's. I was just seen as 'shy' and 'odd' and all that.
So... those of you who are self-diagnosed: did you come to these conclusions based on the 'clinical' (DSM) criteria or the tests, or...? Did you just know... Did you think, "maybe I am just introverted, shy, in another world".
Sorry... just about all my threads seem to be about "am I or am I not, how did you realize you were" but I do appreciate the community here.
I'm currently involved with a romantic relationship and we had one of our 'talks' last night, about the lack of empathy I supposedly express.. but that I have done so in the past... in a different situation.
I've always found these 'talks' excruciatingly uncomfortable, especially when expected to respond and I get more and more lost and desperate for escape the more pressured I feel... and can't explain it to the Interviewer (this has been the case since childhood).
Ah... I'm rambling here... any insight into this, thanks. I would like to say that this will be my last "am I or am I not" thread, and I hope it will be.
Thanks again

Tim,

You don't have to appoligize! Its an important topic! Please revisit it anytime you feel the need too.

My son is dx PDD-NOS. I am more NT although I do have a learning disability.

The thing about my learning disability is that I've learned so many coping techniques that I don't *seem* LD most of the time. But put in situation that I haven't addressed before and boy oh boy does it come out.

I'd think AS might be the same? At one time you would have fit the critiria, now it looks like you don't. But that's only because you have learned how to work around it. Its still there and its an effort but it doesn't *look* that way on the outside as much.

This might be waaaaaaaaay off and if so, I appoligize.

BeeBee

Well it certainly makes sense that, by the age of 43 one (if they are at all AS but didn't know it as a child) will have learned compensatory ways, maybe entirely unconscious - one's chemistry making the adjustments, though consciously you don't know why. For example, now I think I have learned to read emotions on faces but I don't remember if I had difficulty with it in childhood. I don't remember doing any of the stims you hear a lot about, but I always was rather fidgety - I constantly pick at cuticles and fingernails, pick at callouses (I play guitar), my feet are almost always in motion... but I'm not a headbanger and if I've ever been a rocker I can't recall doing so to extended degree - but my left foot is in motion at this moment.
I've tried to remember to earlier childhood - which is difficult because memories are very hazy.
This is all so incredibly fascinating anyway...
I'm wondering if some people inhabit a place where AS stops and NT begins, therefore it is too difficult to really nail it.
Think so?

By the way, I asked my romantic interest if I could respond to her concerns in writing because I am better able to organize my thoughts that way than by audible speech. The suggestion was met with approval.

An Aspie who misinterprets a facial expression or who interprets the spoken/written word too literally may not recognize the error in the absense of feedback from the NTs around us. It would hardly be surprising that you can't remember past errors if they were made in a time when you didn't know such errors were possible.
The problem with stereotypies is that people expect to see the same ones from every autistic person -- hand flapping and spinning being the main two. I did a *bit* of hand-flapping from time to time but not enough to really attract attention. Likewise, I was an occasional head-banger during my diaper years and used to spin on the playground equipment until I couldn't stand up. None of those activities persisted, but were all replaced by fingernail biting that started when I was pre-school and has remained a constant annoyance to my family ever since. I was never a toe-walker (and generally lack the stereotypical hypersensitivity to clothing), but I do bounce my legs a lot when sitting. The question for the diagnostician is "how much is too much?" since NT people do the same things but to a lesser extent. In my case, the only trait that is clearly pathological is the fingernail biting as it is the one thing I have virtually no control over.
My memory of my childhood is much better than average, but it's occurred to me that it's primarily made up of static images (as though I had made a photo album in my head) and the vivid memories are all about objects and places. According to my doctor this is called "eidetic memory" and is quite typical of AS. People are significanly absent from most of my memories, or at best represented as vague forms. For example, when I was about 10 years old my mother took me to visit one of her friends for dinner. He had an industrial gyro and used air from a scuba tank to spin it up for me. I watched it spin down for more than a half-hour. Thirty years later I could draw you a picture of the gyro but barely remember any significant detail about the man who showed it to me.
Any spectrum has margins where detection or differentiation becomes hit-or-miss. While the DSM criteria appears simple, there is a lot of room for judgement because two people with identical cognitive or social deficits may have different outcomes depending on their learning environment (because the deficits make learning difficult, not impossible), and someone has to decide which outcomes represent a clinically significant disability. The other factors that enter into the question are the completeness and accuracy of the childhood history and the experience and bias of the doctor(s) doing the evaluation. I'd say there are definitely people whose AS diagnosis could be decided with a coin toss....

Tim,
You sound VERY much like me. I read the clinical criteria, I took the online tests, I spent a considerable amount of time reexamining my childhood-into-adulthood development (and came up with an analysis nearly identical to what you have written) and I decided for myself that I am aspie.
BTW, my right foot is in perpetual motion as I type.

Well if you are constantly rereading stuff and taking tests all for the sake of establishing What if any mental condition you have, I can understand. I wouldn't mind seeing Ralph Nader sawing his own head off in the corner of my vision if somewhere someone had established a name for that and other people had it too. But it really doesn't matter what you have. Figure out your particular difficulties and ask those around you to give you some slack. Alter your daily habits to suit you. You have a biological predisposition to march by your own drummer so run with it.

The 'eidetic memory', Jetson. Got more search words now. Thanks.
Now that got me to thinking... Last night I did an exercise in recall where quick flashes of moments from years ago surfaced as if they were just happening. But if I saw any faces they were brief or hazy or as profiles. I also realized that, although I could recognize relatives or friends if I saw a picture of them, that it is very difficult to bring up a clear visual of their faces. For example, if I think of what my grandfather looked like I see a picture I have of him rather than a visual from a real memory. It was rather shocking because I'd never tried such a thing. Would this be this 'eidetic memory'? I mean, the faces are not completely absent, but it's just hard to get a clear mental representation and hold it for longer than a flashing micro-second.
This is interesting.
thanks.

timkibler, I experience a similar thing where I cannot picture the face of a person unless it is from a picture. Otherwise, they are blurry. However, I can picture individual aspects of their face fine.

This is not eidetic memory. Probably a mixture of a good visual memory and the fact that an autty is usually not geared towards faces (i.e., prosopagnosia is an extreme form-- "inability to recognize faces" so you don't have to go searching if not familiar with the term ).

I cannot even picture my own mother very well as a whole face and I see her almost every day! But I do fine if I picture, say, her ear or her nose or her mouth or her hair. But altogether? No way.

It may also have something to do with poorer Central Coherance in autties as well. Perhaps, perhaps.

I understand that some people have trouble coming to the realization that they do have Asperger's. As long as they do know the right way to deal with it as soon as they have come to a conclusion, that is what matters.

Well, I tried this too - I am currently in the same household as my mother, see her every day. When I think, "mom" and bring up a visual, it is always what I remember seeing in a picture. I have been unable to see her face as she was in real life, when I was, say, 9, 10, 15, 19, 30, now. Same with my dad, same with uncles and aunts. Same with friends. Teachers. I mean, if I see them I recognize them much of the time but when I try to visualize what their face looks like... it has been a sobering experiment. Or I can hear their voices, sometimes smell them, and feel them, maybe a spotty idea of their faces - noses, say. But I don't SEE them.
THEN... I asked my mother if SHE is able to picture peoples' faces... answer: No.
When I've read about Asperger's I saw some of it in her and her brothers.
I mentioned to her, "I'm willing to be wrong but I have a strong hunch that we are a couple of aspies." She didn't quite catch on to what I was saying, and didn't sound like she wanted to hear an explanation and I froze up trying to think of a way to explain things, but I dropped it and don't plan on mentioning it again anytime soon.