Can't play with his NT stepdaughter

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I'm not sure if I have understood the situation being described here. Is it that this step parent refuses to aide in anything pertaining to this child, or that he doesn't do silly pretend play type activities?

I sort of had the impression that it was more the first than the second, but most of the responses seem to be focused on it being the second more than the first.

If it is the second, that he doesn't engage in little girl friendly pretend game, then I have to mostly agree with the others. Not everyone is going to be willing and able to do that. I personally suck at games involving setting up action figures and acting out extensive imaginative scenarios for them that would appeal to my four year old. I am not interested in playing Hi Ho Cherrio. I will suck it up and play a round or two of either with him, but then he gets to go play on his own or we do something I can handle like reading him a book. However, while step ddad may not have any interest in playing kid games, surely anyone can put on their big boy pants long enough to play Chutes and Ladders once a week for the good of another family member. I agree you can't force a loving relationship, but the fact is that this child is six, and will continue to share a house with her step dad for another 12 years if things go in the generally planned way. It really isn't possible to live with someone for that long and never at all accommodate their needs over your own that entire time, and it seems that at this stage in her life, this kid needs at least an occasional game with the people she is around all the time.

If it is more the first, then I am again going to go with him putting on his big boy pants and man up. He married a woman with a kid. That means they come as a package deal. If he never wanted to deal with the child, then he shouldn't have married the mom. She shouldn't have to be in a marriage and feel like a single parent (unless he is never home due to work. I have to admit there are weeks when I feel like a single parent when we've seen 10 whole hours of the dad unit and those were all in a zombified state of exhaustion). Living in a relationship that is responsible for raising a child means knowing what medications the kid takes, who her doctor is, suffering through recitals and school plays just because she needs to see a parental wave, knowing how to pack her lunch for school and occasionally doing it, knowing how to drop her off at school and how to pick her up--even if the normal schedule never calls for that, because there are always emergencies, knowing how to buy little girl shoes, and what her favorite food is. It means thinking about how his actions effect not only his wife, but also her daughter. I agree nothing can force him to love her or become that big goofy guy that plays tea party and ends up with painted toe nails, and at this rate, he'll probably never adopt and move on from step-parent to parent, but that doesn't give him an excuse to not be considerate of the needs of the third person living in his house. Also, agree with what someone else said that this is a highly likely to need outside counseling type help to work out the details between the two of you.

I think if he is bonded to the child, and likes her, that it is not so bad as maybe I thought it was when I posted before.

I think you have to be realistic about what you can expect from him. I agree with those who say to lay off a bit. You and your daughter may have an idea of what a picture perfect family looks like, but what you want may be as exhausting to him as how you feel when you are doing everything alone. I do not know if you discussed what both your expectations were before marrying but I also agree with those who think counseling is in order.

In the old days fathers did not do as much as they do now. He could probably live up to the old time standard of a father's role, at least for now until as you say he is more comfortable with her developmental level. He sounds like he is really struggling with play that seems to have no purpose to him. He may not have engaged in that play even as a child. Aspies often have unusual play patterns growing up. To me, if he is willing to play games with her while you are there. that is a pretty big step. If he does not play with her alone, is that so bad? Is it so you can have a break or are you just trying to cement the bond. He may feel weird enough playing kids games and feels more confident in you presence.

My dad was a "I don't like kids, but I love you" kind of dad. He was also an Aspie (before Aspies were diagnosed) and he was not very into the play thing. There were other issues relating to patience and noise tolerance, but I cannot say that the fact that he would only play things that had to do with his special interests was so bad. He did play with us without mom sometimes, but it was almost always special interest related and I cannot recall much of it at 6. Early childhood really was left to mom as far as playing went. This was many years ago, and at the time, it was not so unusual for dads to be less involved. I may have been a bit hurt, but I grew to understand that he didn't like little kids, it was not personal and though, again hurtful at the time, I don't think it caused any long term damage.

I was more upset by other things, not relevant to this thread. If you treat it as normal, maybe your daughter won't feel as awkward about it. I would also follow the advice that was given about explaining how people are different, and not all adults are good with playing little kid games, but they have other qualities (and list some traits he has your daughter might regard in a good light)