I'm Dedication/Dedi (Real name Samantha) and I'm 20 years old.
I was unofficially diagnosed with High Functioning Autism sometime last month by my psychiatrist (I say unofficially because he didn't give me any testing. However, I've been seeing him for four years and he specializes in child/adolescent psychiatry, so I can be assured that the diagnosis, even if unofficial, is reliable).
I have other disorders, including severe depression with psychotic features, borderline personality disorder (but apparently you can't have BPD with HFA. However, I have very obvious symptoms of BPD, such as fear of abandonment, "overattachment", self-injury, and multiple suicide attempts), OCPD traits (which could be actually part of the HFA since I've had perfectionism since I was young), generalized anxiety disorder, migraine headaches, and undiagnosed auditory processing disorder.
I've always been an oddball. I didn't speak until I was four years old (with a tutor's help), learned to walk before to crawl (now is known not be detrimental to a child's development, but I'm just throwing it out there), and had a reading comprehension learning disability until the 8th grade, when I "grew out of it."
I was very socially awkward as a kid (not that it's not better as an adult, but now I can think logically within social situations what NT people intuitively know) and I was bullied a lot. I remember screaming at my bullies until I realized that it riles them up.
The biggest thing for me is groups. One on one is a lot better than in groups of 2 or more. I've tried being in different peer groups. One rejected me eventually and I had to switch. I stayed with another group for the rest of my high school years, but I really wasn't "in" the group. They accepted me and let me sit with them, but I never really didn't do anything that social with them. Even talking to them was a challenge. I'd always listen and laugh along.
In college, I do great with faculty (at least at my college. I'm unsure of grad school faculty), but not as well with peers of my age. I have one friend. I usually don't like getting close to anyone for fear I might get emotionally hurt (Another characteristic of BPD). Currently I'm in a single dorm and I'm planning for it to stay that way next fall.
My online life is a lot better, because you're getting rid of the body language and the dreaded eye contact. I have several close online friends and roleplay in a Harry Potter Marauder's Era forum.
I have obsessive interests, even when I was a child. When I was in third grade, I was obsessed with the weather. I would watch the weather channel almost exclusively. I didn't like the specials that they had, I just wanted to hear about the current weather in the world, not necessarily just my area. I remember doing a project where you had to teach the class something, like a lesson plan. I chose about hurricanes...and I live in the midwest!
After weather, I became obsessed with guinea pigs and animals. I owned a guinea pig, so this might've been normal. But, now I watched Animal Planet exclusively. I have a folder with my fifth grade writing assignments, and every single one of them were about guinea pigs. My teacher made note of this, too.
Now, it's rats and animal psychopathology. Rats are a milder obsession than abnormal behavior of animals. But I talk about my rats a lot and socialize with the lab rats at the college. They calm me. I've researched extensively on caged stereotypies, like the causes of it. This is what I want to research in grad school. So I've been extensively looking into grad schools too.
I get overwhelmed real easily by schoolwork. I used to procrastinate habitually. Now, in college, there isn't nearly as much homework to turn in, and I've learned to deal with the overwhelming feelings. It could be part of my perfectionism; fear of doing something wrong. I don't like reading criticism, even constructive criticism, because I feel like they're judging my intelligence. I know better, but I get sinking feelings when I see the red pen mark.
I also remember when I was a kid I would refuse to work in groups because they wouldn't do the project "my way." I still feel a resistance when I have to work with a partner and they want to do the project in an unconventional way.
What else...well, my parents told me that I used to line up my beanie babies in rows. I remember organizing my beanie babies in the middle of play till I lost the point of playing with the beanie babies. I remember not liking dolls; just my beanie babies. I could get into imaginative play when I was a kid, but I'm unable to do that today with children. I can roleplay by text, but that's about it.
My psychiatrist says that routines are best for me and I agree. If I don't have a routine (such as during summer break), I get lethargic and overall depressed. I like routine. It gets me out of bed!
Why did I join WP? Well, I'm very uncomfortable and almost ashamed about talking about my HFA. I've even closed this window once while writing this post because I got anxious. I want to talk about it, but I feel like people at college won't believe me, and my friends don't know much about the autism spectrum. So I come to random strangers on the internet xD;;
18 Apr 2013, 10:48 pm
