I'm really depressed today . . .

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And I'm just whining about this to you guys because you may get it and you may not - but you are more likely to get it than the real live in person people I know, so here it is . . .

I had really thought I was over this 'depressed about not ever getting to be normaly socially thing' but it turns out I'm not . . . I've set my TiVo to tape anything having to do with asperger's syndrome or autism (so far it has found two movies about autism) and I was watching one of them today and it was about a blind autistic boy named Tony who was a musical savant - and his mother was just an amazing person - she would do anything for him and picked up and moved across the country so that he could go to a special school, etc . . .
And that got me thinking about my own family and how my father is too wrapped up in himself to care about anyone else (maybe where I got the Asperger's gene, but he is MUCH more severe or more conditioned to be self centered than I am - I could give you example after example) and then my mother is a bi-polst alcoholic and script medication addict that uses me as an excuse to drink and then gets upset that I don't stay at their house anymore (I used to visit every few weekends) because I refuse to be around that . . . she says she is glad about my diagnosis because it explains a lot, but won't go to any of the web sites I've sent her because she doesn't have time . . . I mean, if I found out my child had a condition like a form of autism you couldn't get me offline for weeks I'd be reading so much about it . . .

Then, yesterday, I got offered a second job and turned it down because I'd already taken the 911 job and I think that it is a better job for me - but that set off this whole stiming situation that involved pacing around the house while petting a particularly cool feeling beanie baby and then calling one of the people I like to be around and getting a migraine and having to lay down for like two hours - all because I hate having to make big decisions . . .
But I found when I called this person that I had nothing to say - I just wanted to hear a voice - and now I would love to have someone else in my house, but just to have someone else in the house - not to talk to them or anything like a normal person would . . . and so I don't want to call them because I know that they would be put out by just sitting in my living room with me and watching Food Network, or Weather Channel, or one of my shows on TiVo about sea monsters for a few hours until I feel better . . .

I guess I'm just getting hit in the face with all sorts of social symptoms today and it is really upsetting me . . . I know I've never had a close relationship with someone for 30 years and that should be fine - after all, you can't REALLY miss something you've never had - but still, for so long I thought that one day I'd get the right med or the right therapist or the right person and I'd be able to fix that and here it turns out that my brain is just wired funky . . .

Maybe I'll go get a tattoo tonight - that will get my mind off of this . . .

Grrrr . . . on the up side, my main stim thing is that I pet things or rub furry things . . . so my cats are enjoying this a lot . . .

Thanks for listening to me whine . . .

it all sounds so familiar....
Im not bothered a lot of the time about my differences and being single (ok im only 16 but its the peer pressure to date at my age) but there are days when it really hits me..or i feel depressed for a week about everything and them im ok again. i think im heading for 1 of those times- all my friends suddenly seem 2 have boyfriends (2 have just in the last 24 hours) - and now im thinking what the hell is wrong with me?

chin up! you've got us, not much of a substitute i know but at least we're normal

I wish I lived near you animal lover because I would enjoy visiting and doing nothing. I actually consider that to be my favorite social experience. Maybe you should keep a copy of that famous Jack Frost poem around for moments like this. It is that poem about the road less traveled. He ends it with saying that he chooses the road less traveled and that makes all the difference. I don't think he is saying that it is important to be different but rather it is important not to stand at the crossroads for very long. It is best to just move on down the road, either road, one is not better than the other. It sounds like you have moved down the road beyond your parents and that is good, unfortunately it takes along time to figure and accept the past. I have read your postings about geeting the 911 job and it sounds like you made a great decision. It sounds like your are doing just fine. Maybe the Frost poem will help you feel better about the good things that you are doing. I know that this moment will pass and that you are on your way. Hang in there and keep an eye out for people like me, we love you.

I think you're thinking negatively about your parents because you're trying to compare them to the mother in the movie. I can understand why: Tony's mother pretty much spoiled him because I guess she thought his condition was more severe than it actually is. If I were you (and if the technology existed), I would go back in time and unplug the TiVo so it wouldn't tape, whether I'd have to fight myself or not. (Keep in mind that I don't have a TiVo, so I'm almost clueless.) Besides, I don't think you would really want a tattoo-- I heard it's rather painful. The best thing to do is wait until Monday. If it hasn't gone out of your mind, turn on your TV at 9:00 (eastern U.S. time), change the channel to TV Land (if you get it), and watch an hour of The Addams Family (or you can set your TiVo to tape anything that has to do with the Addams Family and watch all the results). Or you can watch any show and let the content soak into your mind. It works for me!

Mich

Hi There

I would like to say that your advice was great Mich, very sensible. I got a tattoo to take my mind of matters last year, Animallover - it didn't work! If you can see my Avatar - that's what the tattoo looks like {its the flag of my home county}. Yes, it is excruciatingly painful also - I wouldn't recommend the experience. I know you've said frequently that you want to take on this 911 job, but do you really! I have a habit of being overly-positive about new jobs and then, finding them to be nightmarish on starting day.

If you really want to work, why not aim for something that supports your interest What about being a veterinary nurse? Afterall - animals don't become offended when not spoken to! It is not sensible to stress yourself to death, only because you feel that you should be working though.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis? If so what does he/she think of your new job.

Regarding your want for company without conversation - You could post an ad on the "Eligible Odd-Bods" thread featured on the Romantic relationships forum. You are not alone in wanting a "quiet friend"! Alternatively - you might post an ad on the friendship thread for people in your approximate age bracket.

All the best

Thanks for all the posts . . .

I actually have nine tattoos and 10 piercings . . . so this is nothing new for me - and I don't think that they hurt at all - the swelling afterwords annoys me but I don't find it painful at the time in the least . . . in fact, I sort of like the adrenlin rush - but I hate rollercoasters - go figure . . .

I got over the whole 'perfect job' syndrome two jobs ago - when I say that the 911 job is the 'perfect job' I mean that it eliminates much of what I hate about jobs (excessive long term interaction and eye contact, for example) but I really don't think there is such a thing as a job you enjoy all the time . . .

My current psychiatrist is making a small mint off treating my bipolar disorder and refuses to think that there is anything else wrong with me - despite the fact that he has me on enough medications to kill a horse and I'm still depressed (and even suidical sometimes) - therefore, as soon as the insurance on my new job kicks in I'm finding a new psychiatrist . . . what was it he said about this job? It sounded like something my parents would say - that it doesn't measure up to my full potential or something silly like that . . . I don't know - I was thinking about where I was going to go for lunch and hoping he would hurry up and write out my scripts so I could go home . . .

I forgot to say - my current psychiatrist even ignored the results from my psychological evaluation saying I have Asperger's even though it was done by a lady who is a university professor and well known in the state for studying Asperger's! But I really hate M.D.s in general, so I shouldn't be at all surprised . . .

TiVos are great, I have one . A series 1 though. Ashley(enigma) suggested we have a TV thing for upcoming things on autism/asperger's, and I searched on a few tv listings sites and couldn't find anything. I never thought of setting up a wishlist on my tivo, though, I should do that and just periodically check the to-do list.

Sometimes portrayals of aspies/autistics in film and television can be highly stereotypical and unrealistc. I haven't seen the film you mentioned, though. Avoid comparing your situation, of course, but I know that can be hard to avoid making such comparisons.

I really could relate to the movie Harriet the Spy, even though it didn't have anything about autism or anything in it. Awesome movie.

Well, I've got to go now, so I can't go on. Bye.

Mozart and the Whale looks like the big one in the media... all eyez on that

There was that Asperger's infomercial I was wondering about, has anyone actually seen it?

It's called:

Asperger's: Millions Undiagnosed

And runs just shy of half an hour.

Nope, never heard of it. Have you seen it yourself? If so, next time you see it, write down the channel and time so maybe the rest of us can tune in if it comes on again.

Never seen it myself, Dan, I don't really watch TV or anything. I tried to see if there was an accepted digital video version of it that I could watch on my computer and share here, but no dice. Seems like it was originally aired with the intent of reaching a pretty big audience and casting a wide net, so to speak -- in the hopes more than a few would be glued to the set and exclaim, "THAT'S ME! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE!" but... no dice yet.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Does anybody have the situation where they would like to ring a friend but then they are worried they are going to catch them at a bad time ie. they are watching a favourite TV show or they have another visitor?

I think it gets back to being afraid of making phone calls to anyone but my close family and fear of rejection but sometimes it would be nice to have a friend over just to watch TV, listen to music or play cards with. I get depressed because I'd like to reach out to some people but am too scared because of rejection issues.

Up until last year I didn't know that you shouldn't call a friend 2 days running. I'd like to know why it's ok for teenagers to call each other heaps of times every day but not older people? I learnt the hard way when a friend got a bit annoyed with me but at least I know now.

That is where having an etiquette guide would be so helpful. We don't all know these things and can embarrass ourselves horrendously.

There was something on Oprah a year or so ago about TiVo but I don't think we have it in Australia yet.