I am probably not going to be able to get sex reassignment surgery. Basically, saving up is impossible. I realized this this time last year. I don't have the discipline to do it. If I start saving up, then it will still be at least 3 years away. 3 years away for me is like forever, so it's like it wouldn't happen anyway. Since it would be so far away, it would not dissuade me from spending money now. I realized this last year, which contributed to the panic and rage. Of course, this is even more true now, because now it would probably be much longer than 3 years, due to the fact I'm deep in debt from being in the hospital. I wouldn't be able to get a loan or anything because my credit is smashed.
However, this time I am not raging and panicking. Why? Well, I've changed my mindsight about surgery. This time last year, I believed I was entitled to it and was made insurance or government wouldn't provide it, to make up for my lack of discipline. Whenever I see an injustice, my blood starts to boil. However, now I no longer believe that I am entitled to it or that anybody is. I changed my beliefs. So because I no longer see an injustice, my blood no longer boils.
Now others may be thinking, why not get a better job or live with another person to split rent? In short, this current job is too good and I will have to be forced out of it. It's that same nearsightedness as the above. I can't stand living with other people other than my close family. I tried it in April and I hated it, even though the person was nice. Basically, this income-expenses structure is going to continue as is until an outside force stops it. After that, I will have no idea what to do.
Basically, whether I get it will depend on factors outside of my control. I don't expect much, though. To be honest, I don't really expect much more out of life than what I currently have. Compared to people in third world countries, it's actually pretty good, so I don't really deserve to complain.
Basically, I'm a penis-packer who refuses to work for SRS, just as the person on ben-notes-on-the-t-side says. Unlike other transgender penis-packers, however, I don't expect access to women's spaces. I was placed with the men while in the hospital as I should have been. Last November, I was pissed about it, but then again I was an entitled penis-packer back then. Now, I realize the necessity of being placed with the men. Basically, I would be a threat to women because of the possibility for nudity in those spaces. This is something I'm actually kinda proud of, and it seems to make up for not being able to have SRS. I'm a stupid penis-packer, but at least I'm decent about it.
So basically, things are going to stay as they are in an eternal present until something comes and disrupts them. Or until I get old and die, or whatever.
