Boy teen cousins sleeping in same bed

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I brought this matter up in a teen forum I belong to, but interested in parent input.
Wanting to get some perspective on this because being both autistic and 13 do not have much.

Have a cousin who is only four months older. He has always been able to connect with me better than anyone else. When little was totally nonverbal and cousin would always translate what I needed wanted and always has helped me and good at handling me during meltdown. When at his house or mine we sleep in the same bed. And lots of times he sleeps behind me and wraps his arms around my chest, which he also does when having meltdown to calm me. And we also usually only sleep in underwear. Do you think as a parent that at 13/14 we are getting too old to be sleeping together like this?

If you were typical I would say too old. But at the risk of everyone getting angry (like they are in the real world) at me, I will say the obvious.

You're not typical Ezra, I think I've read posts you don't sleep well, and recently you're posted that you're thinking of giving up on trying to speak.

As a parent, I'd do what it took, as long as it's legal and moral, to help you feel supported, help you keep trying.

Also I think your cousin may see you as younger because he is someone calming you when you fall apart. Which as an adult who falls apart sometimes, I can tell you results in people treating you like you are younger. Because of not having emotional control, because of needing that taking care of. And it's much better to get that, than not, when needed.

If you are uncomfortable, though, because you want to be more normal or whatever reason it may be, you can make an excuse like that you are overly hot sleeping that way or something. I don't like saying things that sound critical of people I need to continue doing something in some circumstances not others, so if you choose to say directly that you think you are too old and want him to continue to calm you this way when you meltdown, make sure to add that you want this "when my actions show I need it because I'm acting like a little kid" or some such.

I'm curious, though, if you are comfortable saying: how old do you feel?

There are two important issues here:
1) is it socially acceptable / appropriate?
The answer here is probably not. People probably wouldn't think much of cousins sleeping in the same bed, even as teens (depending on the availability of beds), and girls could probably get away with spooning like you do without too much concern from others. The fact that you're two boy cousins choosing to do this is unusual, and will be interpreted by others as such. Waterfalls is right, though...you'll never be completely normal according to other people's standards, and normal isn't such a great goal anyway. If it's odd, and you don't want it to affect you socially, then don't bring it up with others.

2) Does it make you/him feel uncomfortable?
This, I think is the more important issue, because it's not clear from your post if anything of a sexual nature is happening. But it doesn't seem to be. In any case, the most important factor is that no-one involved feels upset or exploited by the situation. I see that you acknowledge that it is unusual, but does it bother you in any way? If either you or your cousin are upset about the situation, it is worth changing and possibly discussing with a parent. If you're both content with it, and your family doesn't mind, then I don't see the harm. If he's doing it to help you, and he doesn't mind, and you feel helped...again, I don't see the harm.

This is the only reason for the "too old for sleeping together" idea, as far as I can see.

If it's not a thing, don't worry about it.
If it is, better make a change.
There are so many social rules around sexuality precisely because it's powerful and disruptive.

I agree with the previous commenters. Not many NT boys would want to do that, but so long as everybody's comfortable with the situation, you needn't concern yourself with what other kids might think. If you were my son I wouldn't be the slightest bit worried about it.

I'm actually a bit envious – when I was a kid I didn't like being touched, and to this day I can't sleep while in physical contact with someone else.

I really wish my daughter had a cousin like this she spends most of her day outside of school hanging around with adults and she would really blossom if she had kids her age around her.

Having said this, I think the sleeping together is a little inappropriate for 13 yr olds.

1. It seems to me that it makes you uneasy, or you would not be posting about it. You should listen to your own feelings on it.

2. Have you talked to your parents about this?

Beyond that, I honestly don't know what to tell you. As others have said, it isn't "normal," but you aren't "normal" (although your cousin is?). It could be something you should be concerned about, it could not. If you two are sharing a twin bed it could be as simple as running out of space to put an arm. Or not. Impossible to say without knowing each of you, all the history, and more about the situation.

I think too much and look too deep, I'm told it's from having ASD. It isn't helpful. Ezra if you are truly uncomfortable, make a change. But don't look for something to be wrong because you are different. It won't change that you are different. So if you get comfort from sleeping with him or sleep better and it just seems weird but isn't bothering anybody, the good outweighs the bad. Leave this alone and enjoy the peace if it gives you. Your cousin sounds in your posts like a great kid who cares about and feels protective of you. That seems profoundly appropriate in a healthy normal teenager towards you as someone with a pretty severe disability who sometimes has meltdowns and is primarily nonverbal. Again, if it makes you uncomfortable there is reason for a change. But thinking something is wrong because it is unusual or different goes nowhere good.

Last edited by Waterfalls on 08 Mar 2014, 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't necessarily read that Ezra is uncomfortable with this...I read it that perhaps SOMEONE ELSE is uncomfortable with it (maybe a parent), and perhaps he is trying to figure out if the parent's concern has merit.

Regardless of who's interpretation of the situation is right, I agree with those who say it is a matter of comfort on the part of both you and your cousin. Sometimes society sets up rules and norms that really have no compelling reason behind them, other than it is what "everyone" has agreed is appropriate. The problem with that is, sometimes people believe they agree it is appropriate, without even thinking about it. There are many societal norms that I once "believed" until I stopped and thought to myself "but, why?"

I also agree that because you are cousins and because you are young, if there is a sexual component to this (which I have no reason to believe there is), then I would discontinue it. But other than that...if you and he are both comfortable, I would say that it is a private matter that shouldn't be discussed with others. If no one knows, then no one will be able to comment. And it's really none of their business.

I feel younger than I am.
A, I'm really small for my age.
B, I need a lot of the care and assistance a much younger kid needs.
And not uncomfortable with Liam in any way.



No not uncomfortable for either of us at all. And have zero sexual interest in each other.



He's the only one who can get away with the amount of contact he has with me, like tackling me and roughhousing me. I think that's because he's been right next to me all the time since I was born.



Actually my uncle said something about it last week that made me ask this.
When he came in to wake us up, he said that he was wondering if we were getting too old for this.
But later on he said he was sorry. We always sleep with the door open so our folks see us in bed all the time.
But what uncle said made me curious.
I like sleeping with Liam, but would be okay if it stopped. Most nights I sleep by myself anyways.

Sometimes people treat me like I'm younger. It can be irritating, but sometimes it's what I need.

Physical contact is important. I would not pretend to be just like you Ezra. But for me it's still work to use language to communicate and it's still work to understand other people. So what I know is that when verbal language is a struggle, connection through tolerable physical contact is how I can take in other people and have some kind of connection, some feeling of being supported. This isn't something an average teen or adult needs as often, because words are there when they need them.

Perhsps your uncle forgot you aren't typical because he knows and loves you and the differences stopped mattering. So he said what he said. And maybe then remembered. Maybe that's why he said he is sorry.

Someday it might not be appropriate and I hope that day comes soon. But it isn't here yet, and you have enough to worry about.

So good luck with speech tomorrow in school! I hope you get somewhere soon that you feel really proud of!! !

Don't mind too much being helped with things, but do not like being talked to like I was still little.
Prefer to just be talked to in straightforward ordinary way.
Liam is actually the one person am more fluently verbal with and only one who is able
to really decipher my speech impediment. Sometimes get excited about something and
start chatting away to the point where he will put his hand over my mouth to make me
stop before I hyperventilate. Only person who gets away with doing stuff like that.

Did / do the others get bitten ?

My guess is that your uncle first said that because he was thinking of normal social expectations, in which this sort of behavior becomes more and more unusual as you get older. He then realized that you are a special case, and that some of those social expectations are wrong, which is why he appologized.

What you have to understand is that American society can be very homophobic (specifically against males), so much so that even for heterosexual men (or boys) there is constant pressure to prove to others that you are straight and masculine. This leads to strange customs surrounding physical affection. The common perception is that for men, physical contact only happens if it is brief (hugging family), combative (wrestling with friends, or actually fighting), or romantic. For some, even holding hands with a girlfriend can be seen as a sign of weakness, or being effeminate.

Because you and your cousin are snuggling like that for prolonged periods of times, others might assume that it is romantic, and it will be interpreted as gay or effeminate. On top of that, he's your cousin, so when people are assuming that it must be romantic, then they become concerned about incest, which is another major taboo. Yet the way you describe it, it seems to be simply platonic and affectionate. This strikes me as completely reasonable. I have several female friends for whom it is completely normal to snuggle in bed with a sister or close friend, and this is interpreted as completely platonic. It is an unfortunate double standard that for men, this is usually not seen as an option.

So that social pressure that I described is what your uncle was probably reacting to. But they're some of the most ridiculous social rules out there; which is why he changed his mind and apologized. I think it's fair that you continue to do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't hurt yourself or others (which based on your description, it doesn't). Sometimes that will be seen as weird by others: in which case, it may be a good idea to keep it private. That doesn't mean you have to, but just be aware that there may be heavy social costs to advertising to your peers how you snuggle with your cousin. As an adult, I'm confident enough to handle those sorts of situations, but I imagine as a teen, you may want to avoid them.