helping a burnt-out friend

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Right, so this is about my ex-boyfriend, who, at mid-40s, has hit the wall hard after several exhausting years in which he ran from one thing to the next, in the end running away from both his careers, and spending most of a year on the road. Has been jobhunting ages and not found anything permanent. Has what seems to be a stable housing situation now, room in a tolerable house with people who seem accommodating.

He just looks ill with every kind of exhaustion, says he wishes he could just do nothing for a year, and honestly I think it may be quite a long time before he's able to pull things together again. He's not diagnosed and dislikes the whole idea of AS intensely but is no stranger to the issues involved. He looks like he needs help, but I have no idea what might be helpful -- I mean mostly he really does look like he just needs to be left alone without actually being left alone, for a very long time, and then allowed to come back into the world extremely slowly.

What is helpful here?

Who are these "accommodating" people?

Sounds like he's pretty fortunate, actually, especially considering what could have been.

He could afford to rest, and get things sorted out. As long as he doesn't cave in to temptations like drink and drugs. He definitely needs a solid support system.

Does he have a lot of savings? Maybe a 401k or a pension?

Of course he has some kind of degree. Maybe something like an MSW, a degree which encompasses many careers. If he was a social worker previously, he could be a psychoanalyst now (this is exactly what my mother did).

I wish he had a kid, so he could account for his gaps in employment by saying he was a "house husband."

I wish him well. If I were close to him, I would try to push him to seek something--maybe volunteer at something. Remaining idle gets to be a bad habit. I wouldn't accentuate his faults to his face.

For the sake of the kid, I'm glad he doesn't!

What's that got to do with it?

I'm thinking practicalities here--obviously, if he had a kid, he wouldn't merely be thinking using him/her for his own purposes.

I think it's a stretch to attribute that sort of mercenary-type thinking to me, or to him.

Being a house husband would be a good way to account for gaps in employment. It has nothing to do with how he might be "using" his child.

I see: you thought I was advocating having him LIE about being a house husband? Nope....that wasn't my intention at all.

No Kraftie, I wan't thinking of any of those things.

I was thinking of the way Tarantella has describe his moods and the things he has been through. Not good for a kid. That was the full range of my thought, I didn't mean to imply anything about your thinking at all.

If we are imagining things that would help, how about boatloads of money. If he had a few million tucked away somewhere he could probably buy as much time, privacy and space to recover as he needs.

Gotcha

I could use one boat full of money right about now!

They're just the people who live in the house. An older disabled guy and his wife, a pair of students who rent. It's the third house he's lived in inside a year. Fourth, actually, had a housesitting gig. Has no retirement savings left, but has a family that helps him sometimes, and doesn't need much. Has multiple degrees, very nice ones, but has walked away from the careers to an extent that makes going back very difficult, isn't a good fit. He's really not the type to drink and get involved with drugs; I'd be surprised if he did. He does try volunteering, just to get out and amongst people, do something, but it winds up being difficult, either for social or for driving reasons.

The support system's lacking, though. His family and good friend are two thousand miles away; I'm a thousand miles away. And no, I'm not bringing up any of these things though I don't see them as faults; it's just how things are for him.

I probably shouldn't worry so much. If things really went all to hell, I think one of his sibs or his friend would come collect him.

I wish I could offer good advice, so that he could get back on his feet. He can't just disintegrate into oblivion; that would be a waste of a human being. If I were close to him, I would perhaps be too aggressive in getting him to search for a job, any job.

Maybe he could go into some kind of psychotherapy? or psychoanalysis (since he might have deep-seated sorts of feelings which might have instigated the burnout).

I don't know....maybe he could freelance at something which is indirectly related to his degrees--yet would be more palatable to him?

Honestly, it's difficult to offer a concrete solution, as I'm not "there," really. I'd have to see the person, talk to the person, see how the person lives. One could only offer general advice.

I've had times, even with a job, that I bounced around from house to house. A girlfriend here, a friend there. That was in my 20's. When I was 29, I finally settled down in one apartment, and stayed there for 20 years. Then I got a co-op and have been there since 2010.

It's commendable that you care for him; he needs someone to care for him. I could, of course, understand that you have a busy life, and can't attend to this one person; I'm sure he realizes that as well. The only thing you could do, most likely, is to lend him an ear when he requests it.

Most of the impetus for the improvement of his lot must come from HIM.

Well -- you know, I've seen this several times, now, where a person's very bright and quite talented, but has something going on that means no, he isn't going to make the usual successful life you'd expect -- only his family and the people around him can't see that for decades. It takes that long to convince them that actually he's throwing tremendous energy at it but hasn't got a necessary something they hadn't thought about at all. All he's doing is exhausting himself and living a nightmare. My friend pulled the plug on all that a year or so ago, and I think he thought it'd be much easier than it is to reinvent himself as an unassuming nobody. Just hasn't been able to get a job, not for lack of trying. He's actually got an interview for a job next week...it's quite a demanding job, though.

I don't know. I just don't know what it is that's helpful when someone obviously needs help, but also obviously needs to be left alone, maybe for a really long time, to recuperate. The leaving-alone part is easy but it seems very wrong to just walk away and say, well, he'll be fine, no doubt he'll get in touch when things are better.

At least you're still in his life, at least to some degree. You did hear stories like the one you related--often. Then you hear the reverse: Jerry Rubin: 60's hippie, 80's businessman. He "tuned-in, dropped out," then he "dropped in."

Perhaps, in the 1940's, your friend would have gloried in the bohemian lifestyle--who knows? Or gone "On the Road" in the 1950's. Was the impetus behind his "dropping out" a creative one? A philosophical one?

Perhaps, like you stated, there were lifelong expectations demanded of him--now, he decided to live for himself, rather than for the people who have the expectations. Unseen consequences, as you well know, often accompany these sorts of decisions; however, it is quite possible that he will find another niche somewhere--either in something which is more in harmony with what he desires, or something which he was forced into (alas, like before) by financial/social necessity.

Of course, he is going through a tough time; yet, by and large, he must push himself out of the abyss. You could provide a staunch rope with a sturdy knot--but he has to want to make the (toiling) effort to climb out using that rope. Stairs are not too commonplaces within chasms.

I wish him luck with that interview for that "demanding" job.

It's great that you're still buddies with him. I've never bore a grudge against any of my exes; usually, we remained friends.

People like Rubin are just moving with the zeitgeist. No, I think this was more like the usual midlife aspie burnout. Just too much for too long, having to work too hard at it all along. He doesn't understand how things go, though, so effectively he's dropped into a world that may be less demanding conventionally, but still has myriad rules that require recognition, understanding, and too often they're new.

I don't think he has the energy at the moment to do any sort of pushing anywhere. Which would be all right, except I suspect it'll be a long moment and a very slow recovery, and I don't know that the world around him will be kind enough to accommodate.

You're right---the world around him will not accommodate him; he must, alas, accommodate to the world around him.

The First World lends itself to individualism more than any other "world." However, there are limits.

If he were living amid the lagoons of Lagos, he would have had to "push" or starve; same thing amid the fighting in Ukraine. Unless he had a very supportive family. The "family welfare system" flourishes in places other than the "First World."

At least you're monitoring him--from afar, which is all you could do.