How to communicate wants/needs to Aspie BF?

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My goodness! You're back, again!

This guy is not interested in you!

Yes, the relationship is imaginary, and it's you that's doing the imagining!

You say, "? he has structured his life in such a way that there is very little space for a girlfriend right now. So I don't understand why he is more or less treating me like one."

But he isn't treating you like a girlfriend!

You've been going on about this guy for how long now? Let me check?

Just over two years. You started posting about this non-relationship in April 2012, and you are the one who is well and truly in that river in Egypt. You must really like in there!

Hi Marcia!

Great to hear from you again. Here's the update:

No, there was no relationship in April 2012, and not really in April 2013 either. But since I came back to town last summer, things have been moving in the right direction.

How about this. If my guy is not interested, then:

Why does he ask what my schedule is almost every week, for the last 2-3 months now, for the purpose of getting together?

Why does he want to talk by Skype instead, if he won't have time to come over?

Why does he apologize for not touching base, if it's been a while?

Why does he say he's looking forward to seeing me, even if only by Skype?

Why does he send me x-rated pictures of himself, and go bananas when I send one back?

Why did he come over for sex, only to spend most of the time emoting about his father's deterioration?

Why did he tell me right away when his father passed, after keeping me updated throughout a lengthy vigil?

Why did he interrogate me just last week about my all my activities, and tell me about all of his?

Why does he seek reassurances that I am still interested, and look relieved when I provide them?

As you know, I had a relationship with this guy years ago. Compared to that, he's doing GREAT!

He's moving slow, and clearly has some kind of hang-up about sex. He's said he's scared of the emotional intimacy. So I've been patient and sweet, and he seems relieved that I'm not pushing him. He is happy to be getting positive responses from me, and I am happy to be getting positive responses from him. Impossibly basic? Yes. But I want to start at Square 1, so we don't repeat the mistakes of our marriages.

Here's the thing. I have my own pursuits, I have a life, and I'm old and set in my ways. I honestly don't want to deal with his children, his ex-wife, his mistakes, and we're on the same page about that. I don't want a conventional dating relationship. I've tried. When they end, I'm 10% sad and 90% relieved. My ex-husband was extremely needy, which drove me insane. So it's a relief to know that will never be a problem with this guy!

So have a heart. For whatever reason, I've stuck with him, and for whatever reason, he has stuck with me. So the question is not, "should I stay or should I go?" Rather, I'm looking for positive, constructive suggestions for ways to communicate wants/needs to an Aspie who does not use or understand "emotion words."

OP, your denial is so great that you don't seem to be seeking advice at all, though you say that you are; in reality land you seem only to want us to reinforce your self-justifications for the years of waiting you have wasted, and the future years you seem absolutely intent on wasting, from my perspective.

Well, it's your life, your choice... it's rather sad though.

Are you familiar with this definition of insanity? when a person does the same thing over and over and still expects a different result...

Believe me, I've seen this guy when he is not interested. It is viciously, brutally unambiguous! And even then, he can change his mind a week later, for no apparent reason. He is emotionally extremely labile, all over the map. He has profound difficulties processing and managing his own emotions, and discussing feelings or relationships is almost impossible. I no longer attempt it, or attempt to understand. That has helped our communications a lot.

"Ambiguous" is just as good as it gets with some Aspie men. My grandfather was the exactly same way. There appeared to be very little warmth or substance to his relationship with my grandmother. But if you watched and listened closely, he did show his love on occasion, in odd or barely perceptible ways, and he was devastated when she was killed in an accident. (For the record Marcia, it took her 4 years to get him to marry her, LOL!)

So, just because they don't verbalize or emote or behave conventionally, doesn't mean the feeling isn't there. I would think that concept is a given, here at WP!

Just to say, I remember my ex (calling him one for the sake of simplicity) telling me that he rode 50 miles almost every day to see his other ex girlfriend. He never made that time for me, yet he pretended we were together.

Again...actions speak louder than words.

Actions speak louder than words...

People can lie about whatever the frig they want!

I really would like constructive advice on how to improve my communications, if anyone who can relate, has any.

I am really not looking for reinforcement, because I don't need it. I would just like to not be attacked or ridiculed.

We are not attacking or ridiculing you. We're looking out for you because what we see is as obvious as a slap in the face. He is badly mistreating you. Mistreatment isn't always obvious to the person on the receiving end. In love, it is often completely blind. Mistreatment also doesn't mean blatent abuse like name-calling. Pretending he is by your side, and ignoring your OWN needs is mistreatment.

You are "keeping positive" in order to ignore the negativity that his mistreatment brings.

Tell me, what do your friends and family think about this?

The best way to improve your communication starts with communicating with your self, in a truly honest and authentic way. This means facing your fears, pain, past trauma, defence mechanisms, and confronting what it is that keeps you locked in to viewing your relationship through a distorted lense. If we can't communicate authentically with ourselves, we remain unable to do so with anyone else, and stay locked in to harmful, hurtful and destructive relationships.

OP, take a few minutes to consider quietly that the women here have between them hundreds and hundreds of years of relationship experience and knowledge. They are willing to share that with you, in a spirit of good will. You seem to feel intensely threatened by anything that challenges your version of events, which seems to them (and me) based on wishful thinking, self-defeating behaviours and idealisation that is out of touch with the reality of this man and his intentions towards you.

It seems to me that you could never have ended up in this kind of relationship (which isn't really a relationship in any meaningful sense of the word) without there having been very abusive events in your past which have left you with deep and unhealed wounds. Healing can only start in the present when you face the truth of your past wounding. I hope that you do heal, and that your experience here brings about some small spark which can ignite your healing journey. You deserve this.

I strongly encourage you to re-examine your assumptions, and consider how much damage all that "concern" might wreak.

In 1997, this guy and I had been dating for a year, when what had started as white-hot, passionate romance, had tapered off to a lot less than what it is now. I'd never heard of AS, and had no idea that is often the pattern. I hadn't seen him in 3 months, was confused by all the mixed signals, and figured he was losing interest. I was surrounded by the "concern police" who said all the same things that have been said here, which fueled my insecurities, made me question my own perceptions, and made me feel horrible, ridiculous, delusional, and worthless.

Later I came to understand, that's how people have made him feel his whole life.

But I wasn't used to it. Under all that social pressure, against all my intuition and instincts and judgment, people who had never spent a minute alone with this guy - a man I loved like no other - convinced me to break things off with him. I wanted more time to think it over, to talk to him, but the barbarians were at the gate. These were my classmates, my peers, my future colleagues. My professional reputation and perhaps even my career were at stake.

They pressed a gun into my hand, and I pulled the trigger.

I gained social approval, or at least it got people off my case. But I was suicidal for about a month, because in my gut I knew I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was coerced to betray everything I had experienced, sensed, perceived, and knew to be true and real - by a bunch of random a55holes who had no personal stake in the outcome. Under duress, I betrayed him - and even worse, myself. It ate at me that something didn't add up, and I never got over the guilt. As a result, I, and my relationships, have been screwed up ever since.

Two years later, in 1999, I looked him up to see how he was doing. To my shock, he had crashed into a suicidal depression from which he was just starting to recover. He'd loved me just as much, felt deeply betrayed, and begged me to explain why I gave up on him. I thought it was obvious, and that he'd seen it coming, but he was genuinely clueless and felt totally blindsided. We talked intimately for hours, and asked for and received forgiveness. It was so tender, so loving - and vindicating, and traumatic, to discover that I'd been right all along.

I wanted to stay with him permanently, and he wanted that too. But reconnecting was so emotional, we misunderstood each other again. I mistakenly thought he'd rejected me, so I left the country. He mistakenly thought I'd rejected him, so in desperation he married the next woman that came along, who went on to become the deranged ex-wife whose reign of terror will control and distort his personal life until (1) the kids turn 18 or (2) she ODs, whichever comes first.

So. All those people who were so "concerned" about me, in fact browbeat me, pressured me, manipulated me, and coerced me into doing something against my will, which ruined my life, as well as his and many others, and also resulted in two kids neither parent really wanted. The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

Damn right there are events in my past that left deep and unhealed wounds. They were inflicted by "concerned people" such as those I am addressing now. The same is true for him. To this day, he calls our break-up in 1997 "The Debacle." It has taken many withering hours over a period of years to help him understand how a person so confident and strong-willed, could be ganged-up on socially, and forced to act in direct contradiction to my deepest feelings and beliefs. I think he mostly gets it now and finally truly forgives me. But the road has been longer and more painful than I ever could have imagined.

Therefore, I no longer give a rat's patoot what anyone thinks. I have the best information, a wealth of first-hand-experience, and excellent independent judgment. I am keeping positive in order to ignore the negativity that SOCIAL maltreatment brings. Letting it erode my confidence, infect my judgment, and cause me to turn against him, was a mistake I vowed to never, ever make again.

I may be wrong this time, or it may be too late. If so, I'll be heartbroken, but I'll live. But now as then, my gut says I'm right, and it's MY life and MY decision.


They are very supportive, because they know the whole story, Especially those who have been around for all 18 years of it, or who knew my grandparents. They know me as a person who sets a goal and never, ever, ever gives up, no matter how long it takes. I've done it in my professional life and I've done it in my personal life. The view from the mountaintop is not always what I expect when I start the climb, but I always reach it.

They also think I am well beyond anything WP can offer, and want me to stop consorting here. They think anything useful I might learn isn't worth running the same gauntlet of self-righteous bullies I did back then, who will never face any consequences for the years of misunderstanding, pain, and sorrow they helped cause, that never had to be.

"Those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." - C.S. Lewis.

They say karma is a b!tch. I hope so. Peace out.

OK, I'm sorry. I didn't realise it was like that. I'll try in a more positive frame of mind. From the sounds of it yes, you were both meant to be together.

Why is he so distant from you? What you did (split up with him) was utterly terrible, and it must have really hurt him to cause him to get so upset. But it isn't your fault. It must be those bullies who prevented you both from being together. Yes, they're the ones to blame for this outcome, and his resulting behaviour. It's not that he's uninterested in you, it's all because of those horrible people, who actually manipulated you into splitting up with him. How dare they? And you keep on encountering these bullies. Why can't they just leave you alone? The whole world is wrong about this - you're completely in the right. This guy is different. He is really special, and completely innocent. He hasn't done anything wrong. How could he? He is special, he would never hurt you or act careless. He can't possibly do anything wrong or abusive, because he isn't like other humans - he is something else. He isn't able to lie or manipulate, because he has Asperger's. Why can't people see that?

um...that was seriously operatic.

As to your original question: there is absolutely nothing you can do.
As to the rest: if you maintained this level of drama about the guy throughout your other relationships, I don't doubt that it messed them up. I mean you seem quite happy in this martyr-to-love role, so I see no point in trying to persuade you that there are better ones out there. But really -- you've been in touch this whole time, he's had kids, the kids don't even know of your existence?

The drama you're painting here inclines me to take the bright down on the picture a good 70-80% to see what's actually going on. You're besotted and you've allowed this to be the main thing in your life for decades. He's terrible at connecting and deeply confused, and at this point beaten up by ordinary vicissitudes of life, including a wife driven round the bend by behavior you celebrate in him (and nobody else finds adorable). He's frightened, knows how to work, and at this point is just sticking to that, and may do for years more. He gets all the affection and therapy he needs from you via the occasional skype, really does not need more. Cannot cope with other people's needs or demands including sex.

Basically, you're hunting this guy. It doesn't look to me as though he wants to be hunted. I would suggest having a conversation with him, in plain and calm English, about what he really wants, what you really want in the next 2-3 years, without either of you pressuring the other at all. Because I suspect those things are wildly incompatible. And if he wants much, much less than you do, you need to back the hell off and stop obsessing over him. You guys aren't 15, it's not about "never giving up on true love".

Ah, now this is interesting.

Sorry, but, that doesn't make it untrue.

Do I think his view is reasonable? Even for a socially blind, emotionally underdeveloped Aspie? No. People date, decide it's not what they want, and break up. It isn't fun, but it happens. Especially students in their 20s, as we were back then. When I went to see him in 1999, it blew my mind, to discover how badly he fell apart. He'd lost 50 pounds and still looked small. He was very deferential to me, which I didn't understand at all.


Not at all. Nothing made any sense, and he made no effort to hang on to me, so I went on with my life and forgot about him. I married my best friend, and we had a great relationship, until it came apart for various unrelated reasons (geography, and my mother). The divorce was amicable and we still talk a couple of times a year.


Correct (to the best of my knowledge), and we both definitely want to keep it that way. Because their mom will hear about it, and then all hell will break loose.


Now, wait a sec. When they met, she had just gotten out of rehab for heroin addiction - not for the first time. She didn't "overcome her addiction," so much as replace it with alcohol. She is adopted and has abandonment issues, and borderline personality disorder. Her family is obscenely wealthy, so she's never had to work for a living. (She has no skills and probably couldn't hold down a job anyway). He was a good provider, but a pauper compared to her father, so nothing he did was ever enough. She was abusive and threatening and destroyed him financially, just to be vindictive. The divorce was a war of attrition that took 3 years, until he finally folded and let her have everything, just to end it. She was unquestionably already around the bend when he met her, and would have treated any man the same way. Look up Mary Richardson Kennedy. Robert was no saint, but he did the best he could. Same deal here. Poor bastards, both of em.


That's pretty close. But I can relate. I can't cope with many needs or demands right now either. So I'm ok with our arrangement. He likes knowing I'm here, I like knowing he's there. He is on fire at work, and I am so glad to see him getting his A game back. That's the guy I knew. Sex every couple of weeks is really the only thing I would change.

He's said he doesn't intend to spend the rest of his life alone. I would like it to be me, but I don't see how it would be possible, under the current circumstances. He and I and the ex all live within a few miles of each other, so the last thing I want is for her to get a whiff that he might have a girlfriend. My life is calm and peaceful and I want it to stay that way.


Au contraire. I am making myself available to him, and he is inching closer. Oddly, I think being pursued is actually exactly what he wants. I think it flatters his ego, but I find his passivity irritating. It usually goes like this: he asks me to name a day/time to meet up, so I do, knowing that basically any time I pick, he'll be busy. So either the answer is no, or we work out a time, and then as the time draws closer, he cancels. Recently, he's had legitimate reasons. Nonetheless, I find it demoralizing, not to mention irrational.

So just last week, I asked him by email, wouldn't it make more sense for you to identify a good time, and ask me? My schedule is much more flexible, so usually I can say yes. It would reduce stress and confusion for us both, and greatly increase the chance of an actual meet-up occurring. Voila, problem solved!

Well, I've yet to get a response. Sigh. So I think it makes him feel good to have me chase him. But I've played this cat-and-mouse game with him before, and I'm so sick of it. What I've been doing is ignoring him and forgetting about it, then usually I hear from him after a few weeks. We talk and have fun, get each other all wound up, then . . . lather, rinse, repeat.

My family has a term for this behavior: "come-away-closer." A form of passive aggression. It's tiresome.

However: there are some aspects to this silly game that I don't mind. I'm glad it's me on his mind, rather than someone else. I also like talking with him, and keeping each other informed about our lives, which was something we never did back then. It was 98% sex. Now, it's 98% talking. Obviously a better balance would be nice, but some interaction is better than none. He's getting used to having me in his life, and that's good too. Provided this eventually goes somewhere, of course, which remains to be seen.

I'm not sure if he would regard it as cheating or not, that I have a date on Thursday. (French guy. Ooo la la. ). And I don't much care. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. My view is: I'm humoring him. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. Either way, I'm not going to be Miss Havisham, sitting around in my wedding dress for the next 20 years.

Now, a question I am willing to entertain is, is he manipulating me? Getting his ego fed and stringing me along, with no real intent to follow through any time soon? It kinda looks that way, which is why, the next time we talk, I intend to ask if actual, real sex is ever going to happen. I did say no to his request for Skype sex, because I'm tired of that and want the real thing. And he did immediately ask for my new address (I just moved). But I would like some indication of if/when actual sex is actually going to happen. I think I've been patient for long enough.

I find this exceedingly bizarre, because the sex was always phenomenal, and he couldn't get enough. I have done everything I can think of to make him feel as safe as possible. So I'm baffled.

Pursuing a goal to the bitter end is not really an accomplishment to be proud of if you have made the wrong choices in the first place.