I don't want to tell my new boyfriend about ASD

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I have a boyfriend now but I am worried about him finding out about the ASD. I am so mild and have gotten so good at hiding my ASD and appearing normal, that he won't really guess through behaviour or anything like that. But I have a free buspass (it's a disability bus pass, confirmed by the doctor but doesn't say disability on it), and he actually drives buses. I told him I pay for the bus pass, although it says free travel pass on the bus tickets. But I think he will find out sooner or later that it is a disabled bus pass.

Because I am so good at hiding my ASD, and also I am on anti-depressants which are reducing some of my symptoms even more, it will be an excellent guess that I have an ASD. I probably appear to have an anxiety disorder more than an actual ASD, which is OK if he guessed that because a lot of people have anxiety without an ASD.

But I decided to tell him that I have ADHD (which I think I do anyway, I am researching about it). He didn't really know what it was as such. But I can't say I have a bus pass because of that, unless some people with ADHD can be classed as disabled? Luckily I have some learning difficulties too and I am not more intelligent than average and there's a lot of things I struggle with like maths, reading, technology, geography and some other things like that. The things I am good at I'm just average at, really.

He's going to meet my mum at the end of this week, which is what I'm worried about. My mum is NT but hates lying, and I'm scared she might not agree to telling him something different. But whilst on these anti-depressants I don't feel like I am being held back by an ASD any more. What do you think I should do?

Don't tell him until you feel comfortable doing so.

Very simple.

You never said why you don't want to tell him. Obviously don't tell him if you don't want to, but I don't see the point of telling him you have ADHD (which is uncertain), while not telling him you have ASD (which you know). The bus pass does seem like a problem, though. He will figure out you lied to him, if he hasn't already, and depending on the kind of person he is, that might be a bigger issue than your ASD.

If you want the relationship to continue on healthy grounds it is probably a good idea to tell him at some point that you have very mild ASD and what that means, because hiding things is not good in a relationship. If he is interested in you it should not matter. It sounds like you are worried about the social stigma as you are putting out more socially ok diagnoses.

sorry for any potential spelling errors, today has been rough.

I think it would be better to be honest with your boyfriend. He likes you the way you are and some label won't change this

I can't explain why I dislike telling people about my ASD. I know he probably won't think any less of me, but he might not be planning on having a future with a girl on the spectrum. That doesn't make him a horrible person or anything, but people with disabilities isn't everybody's cup of tea. When people are first in a relationship, you're not always completely yourself until you get more used to each other, which might be what he might think if I told about an ASD, and it might make him think ''hmm, she seems normal now but once we settle down together she might become hard work to live with or I might feel like I have to guide her or something.''

I have always been unhappy with having an ASD, and I've tried to hide it as much as I can. When I was first diagnosed in childhood, I used to get really angry if anyone mentioned Asperger's, even if they weren't talking about me. Obviously I wasn't mature enough to think that by reacting like that, it is basically giving away that I have it. When I got to a teenager I realised that if anybody brings up Autism or Asperger's in a conversation, I just sit and act natural like I haven't got it. If they mention it specifically about me, I just go all embarrassed.

I think the main reason why I worry about telling people is because they might think I am a murderer and going to go to a school and shoot a class of children. The media seems to have drummed it into people's heads that people with Asperger's are insecure, angry people who will eventually turn on innocent people. I think that's one of the reasons why I fear telling people.

I feel comfortable saying I have ADHD. I looked up ADHD in adults on the internet, and more of that describes me than Asperger's in adults does. I am good with reading body language and recognising emotions and getting humour, etc. I don't rock backwards and forwards or flap my hands or do any other odd movements. I show that I conform well to society, like dressing presentably and having a nice handbag and engaging in small talk and gossip and other forms of social chitchat, and being interested in people and going on Facebook, etc. And I don't speak in monotone, and I have a sense of humour, and I can also empathise. I can keep my special interests to myself. Now that I have a boyfriend I feel like my special interests aren't too important to me so much any more.

I understand now why this situation is so difficult for you. You have an official ASD diagnosis but you identify more with ADHD than ASD. Furthermore, you are afraid that people think negatively of people with ASD.

I still think that you should tell your boyfriend about your diagnosis at some point. Then you can also explain to him that you identify more with ADHD than ASD. You should be careful that your boyfriend doesn't get the impression that you were hiding something from him, especially if he first hears about your ASD diagnosis from someone else than you.

Flash a lil cleavage and he'll forgive and forget anything. You can change just about any subject this way.
I'm serious.
Plus a lil Vamping is fun for all parties involved, which is kinda what relationships are all about.

You have a boyfriend? Well, go go Joe

My recommendation is this...

1) Talk to him before you introduce him to your mum.
2) Tell him that you lied to him about the bus pass and apologize for it.
3) Tell him you have a minor disability which qualified you for the bus pass, that you like him but are not ready yet to discuss the details of your disability.
4) Tell him that if he feels the same about you, and wants to continue the relationship you need him to give you some time before your ready to go into details.
5) The tell your mum that he knows you have a minor disability, but not what. Tell her you would like to disclose the details of your ASD in your own time and in your own way and ask if she is willing to respect your privacy in this when you introduce him.
6) If she says no, be prepared to postpone him meeting your mum.

Just tell him that your bus pass is for anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression can be considered a "disability".