Can't decide-- Fight for mainstream, or Homeschool

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Well, that pretty much describes ME... which is maybe one reason I've pushed for something better for my son, so that he can actually DO something with his brilliance instead of following in my footsteps by indulging in escapism, video games, etc...

That said, I'm not about to beat him in order to "get results" or force him into submission to my will...

Although I will say, I HAVE mused about how different things are now, than how they were even 1 or 2 generations ago. Both my husband and my father went to Catholic school in their elementary-school years, and both were disciplined by the teacher-nuns. That meant getting smacked on the hand, hard enough to really hurt, with a pointer or ruler or whatever. Neither my husband nor my father were scarred for life by those hand-smackings, but they certainly do remember them. The weird thing is that they both have this almost "fond" memory of it, like it's something they chuckle about... how they were being naughty (and they knew it) and the nuns weren't going to put up with any of that crap, and they took care of it immediately, and the disciplinary problems were solved very quickly. Because nobody likes having the living sh**t scared out of you by a nun appearing out of nowhere and smacking the back of your hand to wake you up when you've fallen into daydreaming or doodling during class.

Now, I never thought I say it, but there were times last year (when my son was in 1st grade), when I actually wondered how much worse the hand-smacking could be than what the 21-st century secular schoolteachers were doing to my son, with what felt like some kind of psychological warfare, destined to make him feel like a completely hopeless, defective misfit whose only praise some day would come in the form of condescending proclamations of how incredible it was for him to "manage" to succeed "in spite of" his disability... it's like they were brainwashing him into the belief that he couldn't "handle" anything because life itself was "overwhelming" for him, and they were perfectly willing to put that in writing and then shove him in a closet somewhere and call it a day. it made me wonder if maybe getting a hand-smacking by a nun would have convinced him to just do the d**n worksheet. Please don't flame me for saying that, because honestly I'd be completely horrified if anyone did anything like that to my son. But my mind did go to those places of wondering whether the "modern" way was really any better... or if we were still damaging kids, only in a more insidious manner...

There is a pretty big split, board-wide, about things like discipline and how to parse-out regular kid non-compliance from can't do it non-compliance. I am firmly in the "spoiler" camp, I guess. It is not that we never punish, or yell. Having grown up on the "functional," passing, quietly suffering, never formally diagnosed side, I think I empathize more with being pushed too far into co-morbidland.

There are still things I just can't do like a regular person would, and no manner of pushing or people treating me poorly made me more likely to be able to do those things. That line is a different place for every child. One person's, "My parents made me do hard things, and I am grateful" becomes another person's "I was constantly pushed and punished for things I could not control and now have really bad insecurities and self-esteem." On the other side, a different person's, " I am so glad my parents didn't push me too hard, " can become someone else's, "My parents had low expectations for me, and there are skills I could have learned if I were pushed and challenged, and I would have been more functional if that happened." \

The question is figuring out the right balance for your own individual child, and hoping you get it right. There is no one right answer. That is one of the hardest things. I think it is harder for those who have the quiet, compliant ones, (like I was as a child) in many ways because it is harder to see the fault lines and the results of too much stress. So, in a way, I am lucky that I have a child who lets me know when he is upset and stressed because at least I can see it. I don't always feel lucky though.

Okay - this may turn out to be a bit of a rant, but as a parent I often wonder what is the purpose of homework?
1. to practice skills until they are mastered?
2. To introduce new skills?
3. to learn the responsibility of doing something and handing it in?

I wonder if you can work with the school to change what he needs to do for homework - for example in second grade he is probably working on addition and subtraction facts. If he can demonstrate to them that he knows the facts, why is he being asked to do a worksheet? And just because all the other kids are doing it is NOT an acceptable answer. Maybe he can do half the sheet and leave the rest?

I would take it a step further and suggest that if it is a subject he has already mastered perhaps he can help other kids in the class who have trouble while they are working on the worksheet - this would give him a reason to interact with other kids and be successful. It would also show that he isn't doing the work because he has already mastered the subject.

Another idea is if he doesn't like writing down the answers is to have him give them to you verbally and you write them down for him - this will give him a chance to show his knowledge without the stress of writing it all down.

Also are the worksheets always on white paper? Studies have shown that colored paper can help kids focus better on doing the work (I don't remember why)

Giving homework just because it is expected is not an acceptable option. Good Luck.

Yup that's me as well. And I think it has given me similar motivations to yours, in regards to how I handle things with my son.



Yes yes yes. I often find myself wishing he were more like the way I was in school (compliant, hard-working, willing to show how smart he is so that they will leave him alone) but then I have to shake myself and remind myself, "because that worked so well for ME, right?" (Not.) Yes it worked for keeping people from bothering me, which was definitely a motivation. I wanted to be left alone. But it also got me to the point that I was a crumbling, miserable mess by the time I exited high school (which I also hid pretty well), a complete disaster of comorbids, and I'm still digging my way out of that, decades later, and I still do a blazing great job of not working to my potential whatsoever. Being a mom now is a good "time out" from the guilt of that part, though, because it's such a hard job that at least I no longer have to feel guilty that I'm not working hard at *something*....

But anyway... yeah... I am SO similar to him, but he expresses it very differently. My strategies (which weren't the best, other than to "survive") aren't going to work for him. He's going to have to come up with his own. I'm just glad that at least I understand where he's coming from, as far as the way he sees things. I shudder to think of how it would be if he were in a family where nobody could relate to the way he sees the world. I love to see the joy on his face when I relate my own experience of something that he's going through and he realizes that yes I truly do "get it". I want him to always know that even if he feels like a misfit, then he at least comes from a long line of misfits, and that we enjoy who we are, even if it does make life difficult sometimes.

Yes, I agree with everything you said. Actually the homework is not that big of deal anymore. I've been given a lot of control by the teacher (she has actually been really great) and I can modify whatever I want. It's also due on a weekly basis instead of daily, so that gives us a lot of leeway depending on what kind of day he's having.

The bigger problem is getting him to do stuff on command in the classroom. At home, if he needs a break from homework, it's not a big deal. In school, it's a bigger deal for them, both philosophically and logistically. If he needs to "reset", that's best done on his own, and it's hard to totally leave a kid alone at school. The best they can do is to have him go to a chair farther away from everyone, or to let him go for a walk with an adult to supervise him. It's not really the same as at home, where he can go to his room and be alone, which allows him to "reset" himself very quickly in most cases.

The "carrot and the stick" is also easier at home. I can bribe him with immediate rewards, or I can withdraw my attentions completely. At school they don't have much to bribe him with, and they can never withdraw attention entirely.

They ARE allowing him to dictate more now and they have also given him an Alphasmart, which for now is an appealing new tool for him (though the novelty may wear off.) We are pushing the keyboarding at home so that can be another option eventually. I think at some point all of this hard work and angst is going to coalesce into a more copacetic situation in class, but by that time the social issues may have moved to the forefront and I may have a whole new dilemma....

I guess this is part of my internal argument over the original point of the thread... there are a LOT of things that I know I could do better at home, if I pulled him out. I could also accelerate certain things and even add some special subjects that are of particular interest to him, and which certainly aren't going to be covered in elementary school (like the fundamentals of electronics and circuitry). BUT, because he's having "fun" when he's not being tortured with actual schoolwork (ha), and he has a friend, I'm hesitant to make everything about the academic part. Right now, after all this thinking I've done lately, I'm feeling like it might be best to just compartmentalize the stress that the staff is trying to push on me over the uncompleted classwork, and let things continue as they are, as long as he seems enthusiastic about the rest of it (the social stuff). I'm always aware that things could start to get less pleasant, socially, and when and if that happens homeschool could be a really appealing option for him.

And definitely this^^^^^

I think it depends on the situation. In most classes, it is choice #1, a lot of kids need the drilling and practice to retain, or teachers are convinced of this, at any rate. In new-fangled flipped classes it is #2. You watch videos of the lessons at home, and do the work in class, where teachers are available to help as the work is being done.

(I think a lot of it is #3, too, but they are not as quick to admit is an executive function issue b/c that is not as compelling.)

Even though I homeschool, I do limited homework after class and a rest, b/c my son is used to it, and I can use his rigidity for the powers of good. He prefers it to having written classwork, and I can keep at least some of the compliance issues at bay, during the day,this way. We still have some written classwork, but mainly in language arts.

The other reason I have is frankly also b/c of rigidity. I hope someday my son will go to college, and then the written work will all be homework. I want him in the habit now, so it is not some awful shock. If they start flipping college classes, I may have to change that strategy.

(I know it sounds crazy, to factor in rigidity, but I think it makes more sense than the fact that they think kids in first grade here, need to wear business casual attire to get used to it for work. (I know there are other reasons for a dress code, and I am not meaning to start a debate on that but I do think that particular reason is ridiculous.))

I don't think hand-smacking in catholic schools is a problem, but I guess they don't do it anymore?
That's the kind of thing that kids understand, and it usually doesn't scar them for life to have a rigid system of physical discipline enforced fairly.