Son diagnosed aspie, but NT wife didn't want to tell him.

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To me, it just sounds like the husband and wife had different assumptions about what would happen, The OP assumed it would be OK to have the conversation, and the wife assumed that it was implied that it needed to be talked about.

I agree that they should have been a conversation about next steps and how they would proceed before the actual diagnosis came through.

I think both people made assumptions about what is common sense. Aspies don't always have a good sense of that, and make assumptions that NT people might misinterpret as lack of caring.

i see lots of people saying that only mild kids should be told they're autistic in this thread? But as a moderate/severely autistic kids (dx;d classic autism) while i didn't think i there was anything wrong with me - it wouldnt have occured to me to think like that - the fact that i couldnt speak and most other kids my age could. and that i was in a special needs unit and most kids my age werent were obvious to me. but i guess i have a different perspective because i've always known (also known that my dad has the same dx as me also because my dad could speak i assumed i would later too).

as for the conversation about op disucsing it with his partner. i have very little to add. i dont know anything about parenting.

I don't think it is an issue of severity. It is an issue of readiness. The problem is that a parent is going to have to figure out readiness, and more often than not that is going to be through communication (though not necessarily verbal.)

You can be very verbal and have very low social awareness and also the exact opposite. If you are not aware of people in these categories it probably would seem axiomatic to assume social skills exist in parallel with other skills. It doesn't. Kids on the spectrum can have a disparate distribution of splinter skills.

I can only speak for my own family's situation. In my son's case there are things he is very skilled in. He also scored in the lowest percentile for social/social cognitive skills that they measure. People routinely have ridiculous expectations for him expecting his social skills to match better with his verbal and other skills. He shows no evidence of awareness, socially, and when queried the results are consistent with his behavior. In my opinion disrupting his world view would be harmful, in his case.

Everyone makes there own decisions based on their own situation.

Edited illiteracy

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 23 Jul 2014, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

For people who wouldn't tell their child, how do you deal with the possibility of child learning they have autism or Aspergers from a peer or teacher or aide casually throwing the term out? This to me would just not be ok and it's just something I wonder about how people manage.

I think you handled it quite well, though it may be hard to explain to your wife why its so important to let your son know. I think she may want him to think that he's "normal" and that there's nothing wrong with him, but if he doesn't know or has people pushing him to deny it, it will just cause him issues later on.

I haven't explained autism to my kids, because I don't think they understand, nor do they care. They have limited communication, so I have no idea how much they know, but I really do not think their receptive language is normal. There's no evidence to suggest that it is- I struggle to get them to respond to simple 1-word commands half the time. Autism is pretty complex.

The word "autism" comes up a lot in their lives though, so I think they probably have some idea, but aren't aware that autism isn't something everyone talks/reads about. I have told people right in front of them, that they are autistic, so if they're listening to and understanding me, then they know they are "autistic" but don't know what exactly that means. They go to a place with the word autism in the name...so again, it's not a hidden word.

I don't hide it. so I never really had worries about that. He hears me talking to his doctor. I have this site up all the time. He was in speech and OT and there were lots of other kids with pulls. He was never curious about why some kids had different or no pulls. He is not curious about that, whatsoever.

We had other issues having to do with what happens if mean judgmental relatives find out or he tells them. I basically just decided to ream them a new one if they criticize our child or our parenting. So, in my mind that is less of an issue, aside from not really wanting to put my husband in that situation with his relatives.

We have tried to tell him over the last year, but when I ask him questions to build the foundations for the discussion, he doesn't answer with any awareness of the (obvious) differences between himself and other kids. I don't harass him with it frequently. I have tried to show him the All Cats have Aspergers book at the book store to look at the cute kitties but there was no interest in the content other than the kitties. You can't really have a discussion about differences when those differences are unacknowledged.

If he asks that would show readiness.

edited for literacy

Thanks ASDMommy.

You did well talking about your son's diagnoses with him. Its really a shame that people are too afraid to share the diagnoses with their children. I know that if I had a child who was diagnosed with a disability or medical condition I would share it with him or her based on their level of understanding.

Would you hold back if you were diagnosed with Cancer? Would you hold back if you were diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder? If you hold back you may not be getting the proper resources.

You need to empower your son so he knows what lies ahead and how to self-advocate for himself. If my son were diagnosed with a life threatening food allergy heck no I'm not going to withhold it because he needs to learn how to ask if such and such has nuts in it, how to tell someone he needs his Epi Pen etc.

I think its a good idea to make your son or daughter part of the diagnoses process if they are old enough abd capable to know what is going on. Have them attend their IEP meetings and write out goals they would like to work on.

I think its totally unfair for teachers and parents to write goals for their son or daughter if they cannot be part of the process say around 9 years of age. They can understand what they need to work on. Its like talking behind their backs.

Just my 2 cents.

I feel the same way about discussing autism, adoption, and sex. I don't have a problem discussing any of these things with my kids, in an age-appropriate way. When my son was younger I told him autism meant his brain worked differently than most, and that he was born that way and he wasn't sick or broken. I told him he just had an unusual way of thinking. Now that he's a little older (nine), we've talked about autism in more depth, and are reading "The Survival Guide for Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders" together. I'm finding it really helpful to have the book put things into words for me, and because the advice comes from a book and not from me he actually pays attention to it.

I think that's largely beside the point, though. Sure, he might have done the right thing with his son, but his wife is unhappy because her point of view went completely unconsidered...
I understand that people are saying that he probably values her opinion and just didn't think about it, but even so, how would YOU feel were it reversed?

Consider the following:
You are an aspie and your partner and other parent of your child is NT, as is your child that you guys are supposed to be parenting together. There is major decision to be made regarding your NT child. Initially, you and your partner have different perspectives and you do not agree with your partner's idea of how to handle this decision.

A. Your partner comes to you and tells you that they have already made the decision- they did exactly what they felt was best, without informing you, because your child is NT, so you don't understand or have anything to add this decision.

B. Your partner comes to you and says "we need to make a decision" and you both discuss your points of view, and having discussed it, you realise that your partner actually does have some experience that relates to this that you didn't previously know about.

Which one (A or B) do you think would make you more likely to agree with your partner?

(The question doesn't necessarily require a response here, just something to think about). Personally, I know that I would respond much better to B. I feel like a lot of people, if not MOST people, would. As such, I feel that the problem here is NOT that he made the wrong decision, or that he doesn't have insight to add, considering that he is also on the spectrum-yes, that could be very valuable information for making this decision... HOWEVER that doesn't mean she has nothing to add, or that as his mother she doesn't deserve to have a say, and in fact I think had she been approached more like B, she would have been much more likely to agree with him.

Neither of these scenarios reflects what happened in the OP's story.

With regard to the discussion of OP specifying his wife's NT status, it reminds me of the episode of parenthood where Jabar first heard the N-word. For those who don't watch the show, Jabar is the son of Jasmine (who is black) and Crosby (who is white). They discussed how to have the talk with him about what the N-word means. In that case, Jasmine felt her viewpoint should carry more weight because she's black and therefore has a greater understanding of it. If I had a black wife, I'd take her viewpoint more weight than mine because I can never experience or fully understand what it feels like to be called that word.

While OP should have come to an agreement with his wife before telling his son, being autistic himself gives him an greater understanding of the implications.