Feelings.. stress.. er, what?

Post Reply New Topic

I never got a handle on emotions either. The only emotion I have is laughter. That's why I don't go to church, or non- family funerals - I'll feel the urge to laugh, try to suppress it, then explode laughing. I couldn't even cry at my mom's funeral. Tried to get in touch with myself, but truthfully, I didn't feel any different than I do on any other day. (Is that awful to admit?) I did cry once, years later, for no apparent reason, and it shocked me. Tears were shooting out of my eyes as if from water pistols, and it cracked me up. There was no noise coming out of my mouth. I was just standing there like a water fountain, watching the streams shooting out of my eyes off my hands and fingers. I didn't feel any emotion at all, so never figured out what had caused it. Sometimes I'll start feeling strange, and when I sit and think about it, I'll realize that its being sad. I've done that here reading posts, and I get it sometimes when I'm helping injured animals, so I think that's what it is.

Anger I don't do either. Most fights I've been in, I was laughing the whole time. But when I do go there, and its only been a few times, I go from laughter to, well, skipping anger, and finding myself in what would be better defined as blind rage. But I don't want to talk about those events here on this thread, where all of you are discussing an important topic, and making progress by doing so.

I left some stress tips on the Fountain of Youth thread earlier that I hope will help everyone.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

I'd either just not show much of anything or get really violent. My grandfather died right infront of me, my thought process at that moment was "how the hell do I tell my grandmother without being knocked back by a torrent of tears?" Didn't get far since I just kind of told her and my life over the fact that I was a cold hearted ass that didn't greive or even attend the funeral was hell. Now that I think about it that was probably the thing that really started my seven years of - enter a good explanation of those past years of my life here -. I just, I don't know there was nothing there really. I've only felt really close to one person in my life and they also died when I was young of course because they were in their 60's while I was 6 - 7. They didn't patronize my way of thinking they indulged in it and I've never met someone like them sense. Even than though when they were dying it.. didn't really phase me. Maybe because I've been around that sort of thing all my life and I've never really been too connected to my emotions? I cried when they died for a small while, maybe a few minutes and than it was gone.

Its funny though because everyone thought I was so irrational, stupid and emotional and sure.. in social situations when i was younger I might have came across as it. Maybe because I couldn't verbally express my inner world, I've always thought and still do that my internal world is far beyond my years in age and far beyond the world now. I don't have incredible communication skills nor can I translate it well - of course I'm f*****g confused. I suppose this makes sense, its just slightly aggravating to have all this and unable to use it for s**ts. I should have pursued it when I was younger but I couldn't and I had no guidance at all, not a single support to give me a little push towards anywhere. I simply relied on observations of the external world and someone like me - like most aspies - like most INTJ's, Hello we're kind of rare, I'm not going to find a guide in a load of irrational NT's.

I do blind rage well too. Someone said it was because I never had the time to learn how to grieve and was never taught. Even for small things like, oh s**t I dropped my ice cream. I can't even remember the proper stages to grieving but I go from in denial, acknowledgment ANGERDONE NEXT.

Haha, I'm sure thats not healthy. Its not that awful to admit, I find myself like that too. I can't press or force emotions - when i knew I NEEDED to release emotions because that was really the only last explanation I really didn't know where to start and did some pretty mentally and psychically violent things to myself in some pathetic attempt to understand this and I really still don't get it. Its lost its association if it really had any to begin with, I mean I'm apparently a sick bastard from the start anyways so I don't know the difference between self healing and self mutilation anymore.

forensic psychology?

Thanks, I'll look into it. I have to check uo on that thread anyways.

Same, same of the death of my folks, no emotion, or very little and then it has to sneak up on me, but even then I fight it back. Family just didn't understand that at all. Laugh in a fight, yup that's me. Enough broken noses and it gets a little hard to breath, figured that was a dead end street. But go into a rage at the politics and war news, the you statements come fast and furious, not at those fighting it on the ground level, but man I hate the higher brass and the ones that started the mess. Feel like s**t when I'm trying to stay focused on something (don't multitask) the young dog (Ike) thinks he wants something and I get upset, same goes for the wife at times. That little trait has got to go and I work on it. But to see a animal pet die, you might as well rip out my heart. Black as it is. :wink: I fall into a oozing puddle. I don't know what I can get out of this PTSD that might help, maybe none, maybe some, we'll see. Just to be able to sleep right again would be wonderful. But just after last nights break through, I found I really do have emotins that I had kept bottled up. No, that was a good thing, a very good thing. I need to talk further about it with the Wife, I think I understand what she might feel, it's like she's thinking, I'm here I always was and I know that. It's just not the same, it's one of those you had to have been there deals. But she's a good woman and I can only see things as on the upswing, just getting it out.

As to the JD and pretzels, I like that idea, not for me. But there is someone in the White House I'd like to send them to. I can't help it honest, I have another excuse to do nasty things, lol. :wink:

[quote="postpaleo"]Same, same of the death of my folks, no emotion, or very little and then it has to sneak up on me, but even then I fight it back. Family just didn't understand that at all. Laugh in a fight, yup that's me. Enough broken noses and it gets a little hard to breath, figured that was a dead end street. But go into a rage at the politics and war news, the you statements come fast and furious, not at those fighting it on the ground level, but man I hate the higher brass and the ones that started the mess. Feel like sh** when I'm trying to stay focused on something (don't multitask) the young dog (Ike) thinks he wants something and I get upset, same goes for the wife at times. That little trait has got to go and I work on it. But to see a animal pet die, you might as well rip out my heart. Black as it is. :wink: I fall into a oozing puddle. I don't know what I can get out of this PTSD that might help, maybe none, maybe some, we'll see. Just to be able to sleep right again would be wonderful. But just after last nights break through, I found I really do have emotins that I had kept bottled up. No, that was a good thing, a very good thing. I need to talk further about it with the Wife, I think I understand what she might feel, it's like she's thinking, I'm here I always was and I know that. It's just not the same, it's one of those you had to have been there deals. But she's a good woman and I can only see things as on the upswing, just getting it out.

As to the JD and pretzels, I like that idea, not for me. But there is someone in the White House I'd like to send them to. I can't help it honest, I have another excuse to do nasty things, lol. :wink:[/quote]

Yeah, I think you are right. Only good things can come from this new phase of your life Postie. Not saying it will be easy, probably confusing, grasping at meanings that stay just out of reach, and amorphous perhaps, (at first, but hopefully not for long). But my wish for you is that breakthrough may come! Hang in there!

Us crazies will triumph.
I have a long way to go too but you're showing good process postpaleo.
The first step is always recognizing the problem.

I don't think you are a "sick bastard" at all. I've read some of your posts - you seem very caring and intelligent. I'm glad you brought up this thing with emotions, because I always wondered what the hell was up with me! And I interpret your search here is an attempt at self-healing, not self-mutilation. The only two cards I can play emotion-wise, well three, well four, are laughing, smiling, complete deadpan, and rage. Wow. Now there's a useful range. But that's what I've got, so that's what I use (keeping rage locked up in the basement). How do I explain that to people? I tell them right off the bat: that's all I've got.

I work out a lot and hit the punching bags hard. Maybe I'm directing frustration (pent up emotion?) outward. The self-mutilation you do - maybe you are directing it inward. We probably both have a lot of work to do! (Maybe we have emotion, but there is a disconnect somewhere in our brains, and the emotions just aren't being picked up by the conscious part of our brains. Or if they are picked up, they aren't full translatable, just vague notions). Good luck to you in your search in meaning behind this. I don't know how old you are - I'll be 49 next month. I never have made any improvements in this arena at all. I'm not telling you this to discourage you. If you figure anything out, please let me know!

Thanks!
Chuck

as my probably Aspie 'uncle' said: 'Us crazies have the most fun"

I am so pleased about Posties progress, too. He is a presence to treasure.

I had no real emotion when my mother or father died, and was the 'strong one' when dad passed and my brother just broke down. I commendeered everything, the apartment clean up, my brother did the creamation. At my parents direction, there was no memorial service, so THEY didn't even show that much emotion about their passing either. Mom was in her late 80's and dad heading for 96.

I get emotions that build up like thunderheads. thunderheads can only happen in the band of atmosphere that will contain them then they flatten out on the top for a marvelous 'anvil' shape. This is a storm cell and this is how my emotions show themselves. My meltdown, freakout, act out , shreiking banshee, Red Sonja impersonation all happens within that storm cell and only with in that narrow atmosphere band as it moves across the plains of my consiousness. After the squall moves on, it dissapates and what ever is left after the storm is what's left.

and other people climb out of their storm cellars and look around at the distruction and dispair and I climb out and say "Gee Mom, ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

I have gotten used to cleaning up the rubble. Other people don't care to experience it again. I laugh a lot. I laugh a lot.

I am also living

Merle

The self mutilation has lessened now, for the past seven years since I was 12 it was hell - I was brutal. I couldn't understand why people did what they did and I tried, I tried and tried to 'act on emotion' and it just made everything so much worse. Being that I'm someone who needs to observe than apply, can be damn useful and brilliant in the right places and pretty dangerous in the wrong. It was just bad, I look back just in the month that I've finally started climbing out because I was getting to the change or die point I'm still a little taken back to what the hell I was doing. Its been one month since I've gotten nutritioned and clean enough to know where the hell my head is and the passed years of obliteration - they're all emtpy. People would probably be sad about this right? I'm not though, I don't regret it really so to say but the only thing I really feel when I'm forced to share what i think of my teenaged years is, "f**k.. I could have done so much better. I could have been smarter, I could have done this or that. Why didn't I see AS before, why didn't THEY see HFA when I was young?" All these stupid what if's and why's. They're so useless.

There's a lot of reason behind it I'm sure but I just, couldn't properly grasp it all, I didn't understand and I was FORCED to act, who I am and what I did best never mattered and I couldn't use it in my situations so I kept becomming someone different every city I went to, new name, new psychology. I studied people and based who I was on a character or someone I saw. The 'self mutilation' was mostly mental except for the last year, I guess my breaking point which after I got clean off the earlier chems I did and had a stable roof over my head instead of street pavement I found I forgot how the hell to be real and who I was. it was natural to become my next character or real life obsession.

I tried to fix a feeler through rational logic. I mean, her and her mother took me in so why not return the favor right? Its reasonable. NOOO BIG MISTAKE!! HA HA?? ret*d mistake, I don't know what it was. I hate being vulnerable but even the strongest have their downfalls, I guess I was damn sick of picking myself up but my pride wouldn't let her near me and I couldn't systemize and make "sense" or her emotions (let alone she had SO MUCH they scared me s**tless ) so I became obsessive over my weight and exercise. All i can say is - big mess. That thing I get stuck on, I can't learn it. Its not natural and I don't understand why people need all thing clingy BS. Why do you need to touch me all the time? I'm paying the damn bills sheesh, you think I'd waste s**t on you if I didn't care to some extent? Be realistic. AH but there it is. INFP's don't do that realism thing and her feeling preference was something like 75% while mine was 10%. LOL.

I'll be honest too, I REALLY don't like overly feminine persona's and she's VERY WOMAN. Pink, glitter, cute boys, happy bubblegum sparkle f*****g GAG ME AAAH GOD PLEASE THE HAPPY, THE BRIGHTNESS, I CAN'T TAKE IT. Drives me insane. Give me someone "weird" (for lack of better words), macabre.. someone unique in mind and idea's and someone who likes new idea's and theory and.. yeah you get the point and less... shallow I guess. Never got that, guess thats what makes me relatively asexual. Yeah, you have a nice body and.. what? Do I care, is you're nice body going to give me some great insight? No not really and probably not, you're still a useless human being. I gotta hand thanks. Woman, man, I don't care.. give me a reason to care than maybe I'll consider it. Than I'm obscenely sketchy around this topic.. its part of my PTSD. I sometimes feel like I should feel like a bad person for being so nonchalant about sexuality - if you don't appeal to my mind, if your competence and independence isn't up to par I don't give a god damn. But thats it there too, I kind of sit back and think, "maybe I should be feeling differently about this." .. "I'm not really feeling anything about this actually.. maybe thats bad. Is that bad?"

its like that with friends in a less sexual way I guess, only when I'm at the brink I'll find someone who knows where there's a loose brick in my wall I surround myself in. They'll push it, I'll cave a little - have a good psychotic episode or two, get myself into a mess for a bit and that whatever we go out own ways and life moves on.

Self mutilation.. I reflect everything back to myself, even the things that are externalized they all come back to me.



In my search for myself I started with the MBTI finding I was so INTJ its hurting, which isn't that great if you're very imbalanced like I am. Haaha but anyways, I read up a lot of things that really explained this. INTJ's do not require thumbs up from others. They rarely need psychical security or comfort they rarely need reassurance from others. I could write a f*****g book on the INTJ and myself - someone really should INTJ's are rare (of course seemingly popular in AS, at long last I found where they were all hiding. We're all neurologically screwed! kidding ) ah but I'm getting off topic.

Thanks,
I'm turning twenty this July, I've always been "older" through all my life but I can be pretty childish sometimes. My egocentricity makes me look ten.. well and I kind of look ten myself anyways.

I know, I'm "young" everyone tells me that but I expect perfection, high standards and all that.
Thank you though, I've at least found a stable ground and started regaining my health, its a start.


I'll be sure to tell you if I come up with any scientific or psychological breakthrough.

I can see a lot of my younger self in your thoughts, and I'm glad you opened up and revealed them. I lived on the street for a while as well. It's raw and it's real. Actually, I learned a lot there, didn't realize it at the time. Enjoyed some of it, strange as that sounds. You started out on your own much younger though - I wasn't on my own until age 17.

Glad you are on a good starting ground now, nutritionally, etc. Your search for self-meaning and your place in the world at large will make more and more sense as your prefrontal cortex continues to develop. (Normally completes the circuits by age 27 - I think in Aspies it may take longer. I don't think my mind "finished" developing until around age 35 or 40). So you are in an exciting but bewildering (I see the confusion) developmental stage at present. Hang in there!
[the prefrontal cortex is the part that serves as "common sense" and good decision making. Not to say that you have none now, just to say that you will have much more later. As more and more of it develops, you will understand everything better and better. So hang on for the ride until you get "there" ]

And try not to beat yourself up. As you said, it really serves no purpose. Says high horse Chuck, once King of the Self-Flagellators ! !! (Its easy to know it serves no purpose to stir up thoughts of "Oh, why did I do that", "I can't believe I did that!", "What was I thinking here ! Stupid! Stupid Stupid!"so not to do it - so much harder not to do it, eh? ). But know that the time will come when you will forgive yourself, accept yourself, and move forward.

You are on the verge of starting a very unique and exciting (yet oddly disturbing ) phase of your life! Ha ha ! Keep me posted, please! As far as "Is it bad?" that you feel nonchalant or feeling essentially nothing (or at least, not what you perceive as "normal") as concerns sexuality: no. It's not bad at all. Who you are and what you feel, as long as it is real and not contrived is good.

We've traveled a path, though different from each other's, remarkably similar! I can promise you this: it won't be boring.

Best wishes,
Chuck

And I'm so grateful that you are, on both counts Merle! And that I have had the privilege and honor of getting to meet you. What a wonderful, unique and lovable person you are!

Chuck

I stared at this for awhile wondering how to respond.
Thank you.

Indeed they are.


I didn't get sober and off the streets until I was in my thirties. And I didn't find out about AS until I was in my 50's. On good days I thank what powers that be that I even learned about those two things at all. On bad day, I wonder what 'might have been' had I known much earlier. . like in my young 20's. I hope that gives you perspective. I didn't expect to be alive after 30 and I lived my life like that. Life had other plans.




Thanks, we will be expecting you to come through with the same high standards and perfection that you demand of yourself. . .(LOL, just kidding Cyclosarin! but not by much)

I have found that gaining a stable place to put your body and your things, maybe somewhere to urinate and deficate that is sanitary, perhaps a nice pillow or two and a book to read and maybe a flashlight and your food stash really helps me get my head together. If you can swing it, a shower every now and then and wonders of wonders. . a laundromat and quarters enough to do a good job of it!
I wish this for you so any 'getting your s**t together' can actually have a chance.

(been there, done that, went on the tour and got the tee shirt)

Merle

PTSD really sucks. I have it to some extent - not sure how much - and am/have been close to a lot of other people with it. Just wanted to say I feel for you guys & am glad you're seeing some positive changes. I've never been on the street (quite, but nearly), but my best friend was homeless off & on for about 20 years, and I know it takes an awful toll. You're in my thoughts & I'm proud of your survival instincts. Can't possibly relate to all you've been through, but I just wanted to say something, of caring & hope for you, little as it can be. Take care, all!