Question from an NT wife

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I'm going to be honest. You're probably going to endure more ambivalence on the guy's part. Ambivalence is very painful for one who is the recipient of it (I am frequently the recipient of it!)

I certainly hope you have life interests apart from your husband.

I've survived because I don't become engrossed with any one person.

I'm aware that will likely happen. The more I learn and understand though, the easier it has gotten to deal with. I do have an active social life with my girlfriends that keeps me sane. No marriage is without problems. When I look at all my friends' relationships with their NT husbands, I don't see it being much better. There is not one situation I would want to trade for mine. I've got it pretty good.

I think you're wise to have come up with that realization. And that you have friends outside the marriage.

Marriages, in general, are fraught with much discontent.

My son does not have Aspergers, but sensory processing disorder.

Sensory processing disorder sucks. Sounds hurt. Things are confusing.

Glad you and your husband are working on things.

One of the most important things in communicating with an Aspie, is DETAIL----not TOO much, cuz then it gets overwhelming; and, not too LITTLE, cuz then it leaves too much room, for misunderstanding. Lemme try this abstract:

GOOD statement: "The sky is red, tonight!" (We've got "sky", "red", and "is"----that's just enough.)

BAD statement: "When a beam of sunlight strikes a molecule in the atmosphere, what's called 'scattering' occurs, sending some of the light's wavelengths off in different directions; but, our eyes are only sensitive to certain parts of it----the so-called visible wavelengths. Different colors are associated with different wavelengths." (Now, obviously this is exaggerated----but, the point IS, there's entirely TOO MANY nouns and adjectives, etc. to be figuring-out.)

Another thing is, Aspies are a barrel full of dichotomies----we may be able to do complex math, in our head; but yet, not be able to keep-up with a checkbook ledger; and / or we may know the ENTIRE history of ancient Greece, but we can't fill-out a simple form. We don't know why that is, it just IS. We just don't process things as easily / quickly as others. You are the one giving the information, so you have probably already sifted-through it / analyzed it / whatever, to be able to even MAKE the statement----but, WE are the ones that have to PROCESS the statement, after you say it----and, it could take DAYS (we REALLY wish it WOULDN'T).

I feel he's really overwhelmed, right now----he's got this new-found "thing" (disorder) to figure-out (it's sometimes VERY difficult for an adult to get this diagnosis, cuz we run-through all the "Why, in the WORLD, couldn't I have found this out, before now? Life would've been so much EASIER for me, if I could've just KNOWN!"; then, you want to find a new church (I think the idea of you going alone to find one, is much better----also, you have to take into consideration that he's away all week, and the last thing he wants to do, when he comes-home, for such a short period, is something he considers "work", and making decisions is WORK, for us); then, there's things you need to talk to him about the house, the kids, jobs, cars, etc., etc., etc.----it's too much! I know----I know----you're probably not asking any more of him, than any other husband / father has to deal with----but, for US, sometimes TWO things, are too MUCH!

It was wonderful reading that you guys have spent hours, talking everything over----I think that just confirms that he was overwhelmed, and when he had had time to work-through some stuff, he was better able to deal with it. I think that when he felt the walls closing-in (when he found-out about being an Aspie / why he said he felt uncomfortable), he jumped-off a cliff (said he wanted a divorce); and, I think now he realizes that he over-reacted; but, when we shut-down, all we want is for "the whatever" to go-away, so we don't have to process it, because doing so, is absolutely LABORIOUS!

One other thing I want to add----it goes-along with us being "a barrel full of dichotomies"..... Please don't say to him, something like: "You can do THIS----why can't you do THAT?" We don't know why it is, it just IS!

Here's to you guys getting this all worked-out----it sounds like you're making headway, already!!

Take care,

Cat

This is amazing because its similar to how he described it. He likened it to being backed up to a cliff by a wild beast and he feels like jumping off, and that he will say whatever he needs to say to make it stop. Actually there are several posts on here that make me want to ask.... Babe did you write this post?

Has he actually made any effort to initiate a divorce or is it just something that he brings up as a way to end a conversation? Like some people are always saying 'if that's what you think then I should just kill myself' because they've learned through experience that it elicits all sorts of special consideration.

If he's already gone 5 (or more) days a week then it's obvious that you are already doing everything to raise the kids. It should not make such a difference whether or not he shows up on the other days. And it would not make such a difference if you were divorced. When you have nothing to lose you are empowered.

Other posters on this thread have offered a lot of possible excuses for your husband's behavior. They may be better people than he is. I encourage you to coldly assess whether the current situation is good for your children. Some people don't deserve your love.

I regret the harshness of that last post, but I still believe in what I wrote so I chose not to edit it.

I understand where you are coming from.