What are your thoughts on medical/legal marijuana

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Warning: This is long. I won't blame anyone who's overwhelmed for reading only part of this - or none of it. But I really needed to let all this out.

I'm 47 years old. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 28 years ago, when they still called it "fibrositis" and almost nobody understood anything about it. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 44, so I have sensory issues and other common ASD stuff to contend with. I have mild issues with muscle tone, I deal pretty poorly with extremes of heat in either direction, and I have PTSD from a variety of causes, so I have both anxiety and depression.

I've known pot smokers all my life, because I have an aunt who's a hippie surrounded by friends who share a common sensibility, and because my friends who've partaken of it over the years have always known I accepted their recreational enjoyment. But I never tried smoking it until I was in my 20s. The first time I tried it, I failed to properly breathe in the smoke, so I couldn't get high. A few years later, I did it right but didn't know how long it would take to kick in or how much I should have, so I overdid it and got sick, embarrassing myself in front of more experienced folks in the process. That put me off trying again until a few years ago.

When I read in a mainstream magazine about how research was progressing and what they were discovering, I talked to a friend. We shared cookies he baked, which gave me a more appropriate and predictable dose, for about nine months, until I just felt like I didn't need it anymore for a while and was tired of it. After all, probably somewhat in relation to my earlier experience, I associated some of the sensations of the high with feeling sick.

After laying off it for about a year and a quarter, I looked for a source for it again, having found my physical pain to be more than I could cope with. I've been using it since then, slowly progressing from twice weekly (as I began in those first nine months), denying pain in order to maintain the pattern of use with which I was familiar and comfortable, to almost daily use, which seems more appropriate to my needs.

My therapist, whom I started seeing during my dry spell (which is also when I got my Asperger's diagnosis) has been aware of my use since not too long after I resumed. She's been supportive, considering it to be a helpful form of self-medication. She understands why I stay entirely away from prescription medications for fibromyalgia and psychiatric issues, because they don't help but do give me such awful side effects that I can't cope with them. We've been dealing more with my anxious feelings about my use, rather than viewing my use itself as a problem. To her,the issue is simple. If I'm more functional on it than off, it's medicine. If I'm less functional, it's a problem. I'm more functional, so she'd rather I sort out my complicated feelings about it than stop using it.

I like feeling clear headed when I wake up in the morning, so I prefer not to "wake and bake", but some days are that bad. I'd wait until bedtime and sleep through the whole thing most times, if I could manage. I do enjoy some aspects of the high, so I'd probably still do it for recreation sometimes, but I'd like it to be a choice. I live where it's legal for extreme medical conditions, but I'm not covered by that change in the law. Progress is likely coming, but I don't know if my benefits will ever cover it here, and the cost of a medical use license might be too high for me to afford. So, people with money will be able to get it, but I don't know if I will. That will suck, especially if recreational use becomes legal. I'll be pretty frustrated if rich folks can get high while I still have to suffer or break the law by buying and partaking without the license.

I've come a long way with this, but I still struggle. The cries of the drug war still ring in my ears, as it were. Also, there's the shame of not toughing out my pain on my own, as well as knowing I can't go to the aid of a friend needing a ride or some other thing if I'm high, because I know I'm impaired then and refuse to drive. I have to spend some of the little money I have on it, so there's less for other things, though I budget well and also blend my stash with lavender flowers and other legal herbs, as enhancers, which makes me use up my supply more slowly. Sometimes I'm angry that I need to use this stuff, while at other times, I'm cool with it. I judge myself in ways I would never judge anyone else, worrying the drug war image of the pothead applies to me, even though it doesn't fit the people around me that I should look to more as examples. I'm finding this is a difficult situation for me, and it's not being made better by the illegality of it, as that triggers my rule-bound nature into outrage sometimes. It's a bad law, but I still hate breaking it.

Let me say that my girlfriend and I are in agreement about my general capabilities. If I can do chores and other stuff, I do. If I don't, it's because I'm in too bad a condition to be able. I can't hold a job, because of pain, fatigue, and other issues. But I do my best, even when I complain first, just to let off some of my stress before diving in and getting done whatever I can.

I also want to mention that I took great advantage of my introduction to liquid B12 for my fibromyalgia. For the first time in my life, I progressed towards greater fitness, with walking, strength training, and, eventually, running and swimming. My hope was that I could build up as much as possible, so that, when a time came when I couldn't get so much exercise anymore, I'd have a long way to come down before I'd hit bottom again and suffer the health consequences of getting older in a sedentary life. I've done the hard work. But now I'm middle-aged, and I've had some injuries that have set me back. My window of time being more fit was short, and now I can't do anything like as much. Haven't I earned some relief?

If it does become legal here, I hope to explore some options, such as the CBD creams that son't have much, if any, THC, so they don't get you high. You get almost immediate relief on the site of application, as I understand it, and then the effect gradually spreads to the rest of the body, as it gets more fully absorbed and begins to circulate. I want that, because then I could do anything with my day. Then using my vaporizer or another method for getting high, would be an occasional choice, not a requirement for getting rid of pain.

I don't drink or smoke. I have only one cup of coffee most days, and even that's a recent development. Before last year, I had coffee a couple of times a week. I draw sometimes when I'm high, but that makes it so I can keep holding the pen without pain. I drew many exciting things while in my 20s, all without any drugs to make a difference, so my creativity doesn't depend on it. I get exercise when I can. I used to meditate, until I was in too much pain to sit through it in any position. (lying down just makes me drift off these days.) I've really made an effort to face problems and deal with them, whether external or internal. I just need a little extra help, and marijuana provides it effectively and safely. I don't think it's wrong. I just would like our society to catch up with the facts and modify the law accordingly, so I don't have to be part of anything unsavory just to get the help I need.

I'm not going to move out of state. My girlfriend isn't moving, and I'm not leaving her after 15 years and going away from my family just to get some pot. I'll just have to continue with my very private use (only rarely getting high with others and mostly not talking about it with anyone) until things get better here. My girlfriend, though she has no interest in using it herself, is even more okay with my use of it than I am - probably because, whether I'm high in a given moment or not, I'm easier to be around when I have periodic relief. So, that's just the way it is for me right now.

Good luck to everyone on this. May the laws change for the better: more sensible and more compassionate. And may we not all lose our souls to Big Tobacco, as they hope to switch from making piles of money off making people sick to making their money off people who are already sick (or injured). They're not in the new industry yet, and I hope they are forever barred from it. Truly.

Oh, and one more note before closing out this very long post (sorry again for the length). I recommend taking periodic breaks from use, as receptors can become desensitized. When and how much may vary by the individual, so you can try anything from a day every week or two to a week every three months. That should restore not only sensitivity to the high but also to the medicinal effects.

Best to all...