Blended family and a child on the spectrum

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I've not been in this situation but my gut says - go slowly and carefully, and keep a retreat route open at all times. Be prepared to maintain your separate residences for a long time.

Let's look ahead a little bit. Let's say all 3 kids have gotten to the point where they have repeatedly spent a week in the same house without any big problems, so you moved in together. What's next? Your kids will want to invite their own friends back home, you'll want to bring a friend, colleague, or family member around occasionally - and the same problems may start up again. Now it's not just your kids vs her kid, or whichever-other-person-comes-to-the-house vs her kid, it becomes your kids being embarrassed about his behavior in front of their friends. This is tough sh*t even for biological siblings (I see it every day in my life).

Also, I'm pretty sure that I could never love someone else's kid(s) like I love my own, no matter how much I might want to. And to be honest I see nothing wrong with that, it's entirely natural. Neither would I expect a new partner to love my kids like her own. If I ever found myself in a situation like yours I guess I would try to find some solution where this fact, and its implications, are spelled out clearly, understood and accepted by all involved. Striving for an impossible ideal seems like a recipe for resentment in the long term.

YMMV, add grains of salt to taste. To reiterate, I'm not speaking from actual experience.
Hope you find a way that works for you.

I could, but it would depend on the age and whether they still have their own parent. I could totally see myself loving an adopted child of any age like my own, but with a stepchild, unless they were extremely young (like toddler or younger) when we started living together, there'd always be more of a bond with the biological parent than the stepparent.

I think that depends on so many things that it is impossible to predict. I have a friend who definitely loves her step son as much as I love my kids. He also loves her very much. He has never called her "mom," and has always lived with his own mother, but they were able to forge a very special relationship. He truly had the benefit of growing up with two women who loved him very much. Honestly, I think the thing that allowed it is that the biological parents maintained a respectful relationship. The bio-mom and my friend were friendly toward one another. Both parents were often at the same gatherings and were able to do so amicably. Parenting decisions were made jointly. Never any arguments over who was his "mother," but never any expectation that my friend would not be involved in raising him.

I think what is most important is remaining honest, and respecting honesty when it is expressed. I think it is also important to explore what is, instead of trying to fit into some pre-determined mold of what should be. Making this blended family work will likely involve developing a unique concept of "family," at least initially. I think for those of us with kids on the spectrum, we realize how hard it is sometimes to ignore societal norms. THey get imposed on you all the time. It is also easier said than done to never mind what people think. Some ignorant people have no problem expressing their opinion when it is neither welcome nor helpful. But if you can keep your focus on the ones that you love and what is best for you (collectively), I believe you can come out of it all OK. If the OP and his girlfriend open their eyes to both the realities and the possibilities and they commit to seeing it through.... all of it... then I think they can make this work. Another thing to keep in mind is that it is kind of weird, in the context of a family, to think of who loves who more. Everyone loves everyone in their own unique way. It seems weird to even say that he would love this boy "as much as" his own kids. Even weirder to say he loves them "less than" his own kids. Why not just say he will love him? It may not be in the same way that he loves his own kids, but why quantify it as "more than/less than"?

It depends on one's definition of "love". If we're talking about the emotion, then it's largely out of our control. If we're talking about love as a verb, a way of treating someone, then it is not only possible to love step-children, but I think it is immoral/unethical not to love them.

Yippi, I like your post. The definition of "love" is something I've been struggling with for a long time.

Back on topic, I'd like to elaborate a bit on my "I couldn't love stepchildren like my own" statement. It's mostly to do with how much hardship this love can survive, not how well you treat them, or the "depth" of our feelings while love is still alive. Some on this forum have been assaulted by their ASD kids. For me it is possible to imagine scenarios after which I would no longer love even a child of my own - I don't think I'll ever get near anything like that, and don't want to go into detail, but it is possible to imagine such scenarios. And the "threshold" beyond which love would die would be lower for a stepchild, I think.
Again, ymmv, grains of salt etc.

In addition to the things that have been have been said, I think you have to be very aware of confirmation bias based on wishful thinking. The relationships/behaviors may not settle down, or they may not settle down at a speed you are comfortable with. Things could be more complicated, and new issues could crop up. You have to be aware of that and be willing to deal with any of those possibilities, realistically in conjunction with having your kids also deal withe them.

Whatever you do, do not go into a marriage expecting things to become something, you have not achieved. The step posts we get that are the absolute worst are usually what they are because the person went to it assuming love for the parent would conquer all, or the person assumed it would work out once they had more time together, or the person assumed he/she could "fix" the kid with his/own parenting solutions, or assumed it would only be x number of years and the kid would be out of the house, or had no clue what it would be like long term, year after year etc.

It is like a variation of people who marry someone assuming they can fix the things they don't like, when instead those things grate more over time.

When you compare the time put in for parenting a NT kid vs an ASD child, at the beginning, it's about triple from the average NT parent's point of view. That is not a bad thing, because you are using all that time for the child to learn things NT kids pick up out of the air, or with minimal effort.

Example: my NT niece.

Get your shoes on, we are going to the store. Worse case scenario, minimal whining. Maybe a little grumpy, but over all not much drama.

My ASD nephew. If you said the above, without any transition, it would be World War III. He's a teen now, handles transitions so well because his parents put in these huge chunks of time to get him where an impromptu request doesn't lead to a melt down .

Disneyland. My BIL could make plans to go there with very little planning. Throw the family on the plane in July, and away they'd go. With his son, that wasn't happening. Sensory overload to the nth degree. Between ages 5-12, everything was planned out. Rides. Where to eat. What hotel didn't have crappy scratchy sheets. Breaking down all the steps to get on an airplane. Social stories. My BIL wanted to make the best experience for his son, so the free and easy days went. My nephew had real needs, this wasn't being a brat.

So for a would be step parent, with no previous experience with an ASD child, you life will be very different from throw the kids in the mini van and go. You will be investing much more time (which is totally needed) to get your step child to function at his/her best. It may be dealing with sensory issues, transitions or social skills. My husband marvels how our 11 year NT, navigates the social scene with no fear. How she reads non verbal cues that we have never told her about. My husband told me people had to tell him to do this or that and the reasons why.

I've seen step parents go into a blended family with ASD kids, believing once they are "there", the ASD kid will settle down. If the kid is really high function, the step parent forgets and get angry this kid isn't going with the flow. What was tolerable at age 7 is a whole different ball game at age 13 or 20 for the step parent.

That is what I meant when the family revolves around the ASD child. You will have to take into account things that never occur to a NT parent. The child has needs that have to be met. I don't consider that a bad thing, but being a good parent.

OP, this is a really important thing to understand. My friends with NT children cannot fathom what it takes for us to do something. Before every social situation, we have to prep, role play, create rules, and drill scenarios. For example, once at a birthday party, the birthday girl did not open my daughter's present first, which caused a meltdown severe enough that we had to leave the party. So, the next time, we spent weeks talking about parties. Talking about opening presents. Creating rules. Going over it again, and again, and again. She was ready. I felt confident. Right before we entered the building, I asked her "What do you do if she picks another kid's present first?" "Smile and wait my turn." "What if she doesn't pick yours next?" "Smile and wait my turn." "What if she doesn't pick your present until last?" "Smile and wait my turn." The party commenced. Everything was going as planned. It was the 3rd time we had been to this venue, so she lost most of her "mute statue" response (in general, she is more likely to shutdown than meltdown... she kind of spaces out and stands there, unable to speak), and she was actually participating. The pizza was eaten, the cake was had... and the parents started to hand out goodie bags for everyone to leave. No present opening. Of course, this lead to a meltdown. As we walked out, my son said "Well, I guess we didn't make enough rules."

It is an important thing to understand. Everything takes preparation, and even with weeks of preparation, you cannot possibly anticipate every single possibility. Something unexpected comes up and everything comes unraveled. You have to be able to deal with this graciously. Your kids need to learn to deal with it graciously. You cannot blame the kid. You can't get mad. You just learn from it what you can, look for any additional teachable moments, and move on. People will look at you like you have a bad kid. Like you are a bad parent. You have to be able to handle it all graciously. Because the more your kid (step kid, in this case) sees you handle it graciously, the more they learn to not get stuck in the situation and exacerbate it.

To be honest, I don't even really notice it anymore, and we do have to do it less now that she is older. She has a lot more experiences under her belt, so often, just a review of the already established rules is all we need. But every once in awhile, we find ourselves in a situation in which I can clearly see we should have prepared. I have developed the skill to be able to do this along with her need to have it. I didn't just drop in at the age of 7 and have to figure it out. I am not saying you can't do it. I would be willing to be that you can. But it is part of the equation that you should be very aware of from the beginning.

Unless you want a melting down kid who is constantly overstimulated and acting out, which I am sure is not your goal.

This is great advice, thank you. I've learned a lot in the past year and even more during the past week's experiences. Yes, we likely have to take two cars to dinner in case we need to leave at different times. No, we can't decide on an activity on the spur of the moment...in fact this happened twice last week and we simply went our separate ways, me taking my kids to the activity and she and her son staying back. And someone else said it well, that I can't go into this expecting some sort of ideal or preconceived societal norm of what the family should be like. That's ok. No family is really normal these days and we are both open-minded enough that we don't mind making up our own rules and don't feel the pressures to keep up with the suburban soccer moms and coaching dads. We just want what is best for our kids and raise them to be independent, thoughtful people that can find their purposes and happiness in their lives.

My girlfriend and I have discussed a lot since my original post and focused less on the two negative incidents and more about all the positive strides that were made during a situation that was clearly difficult for him. I'm gaining a more positive outlook each day and the replies from everyone are very helpful so thank you.

This is awesome. Congratulations, and feel free to come by and ask more questions or browse through all the posts stickied at the top. It takes a willingness to be flexible, to reframe things, and to do the legwork - sounds like you are definitely on track!

I see what you mean, thanks for clarifying. I guess I am so used to the way we handle these issues with my ASD kid, that I am not always consciously aware that I am prepping him, making social stories, etc. If I know we have to go to the store, I do prepare him/ warn him/ etc. I am just so used to doing it, I don't really think about it anymore.

I agree!

I agree get books for your children to understand autism better
Rules is a good book
Also Mockingbird by kathryn erskine. Is a good book. Its from thepoint of view of a 10 yearoldgirl with ASD

I know there are books for younger readers too but I don't know any in particular. But you could possible show the episode of Arthur to your younger child which features a character with autism.