Parenting emerging adults

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Hi. I am a "sandwich generation" parent. This means I have a college aged child/young adult at home and am also a caregiver for my husband's elderly mother. There's a lot of stress on my husband and me.

My daughter - who turned 26 this week and just aged out of our family insurance plan - has returned to college after a 2 year break. She was diagnosed in HS with severe anxiety and in college, was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. It's hard to say which came first, but the result is my daughter is brilliant, demanding and anxious as hell. She needs a lot of mental and financial support, psychotherapy support at school and social support overall. At college she is covered by an extended insurance plan, but if she comes home, she has no coverage at all. We'd have to apply for medicaid for the time being, or at least until she has a job.

She is stressed by her incomplete schoolwork, her friends and her dietary preferences. I hear about all of it, all the time. She feels like her friends don't want to hear her problems, and her therapists have limited amounts of time to aid or understand her.

I encounter a lot of stress trying to deal with both her and our family's needs. I want to help her get started on the road to her own life and some autonomy, and keep myself sane and healthy in the meantime. Has anybody else been down this road? Is there any advice to offer?

Thanks!

What a tough situation! I will say this: I am a very anxious person. I hide it well, but it has caused major disruptions in my life. I fought the idea of having to do something about it until I was 35, and could no longer function at the capacity that my intellect would otherwise dictate. I started taking an anxiety oriented anti-depressant, and it was life changing!! ! (10 mg Celexa/day)

There are so many medications that can help with anxiety. Of course, yoga, meditation, diet can help as well. But, if your daughter really is brilliant, chances are that she wants to be able to DO all of the things that her active mind tells her should be possible. With all of her ideas and potential, medication might be a good move. There are a lot of options that are not addictive or otherwise mind-altering.

Good luck! I know this has to be hard. One of the big challenges with loving an anxious person is that they tend to transfer their anxiety to their loved ones (I know, I did it). I hope both you and she find some mental peace and quiet soon.

Thanks pddtwinmom. She's currently taking Welbutrin but I don't think it's doing what it's supposed to. Can I ask you, when you've had your worst anxiety moment, how best can someone help soothe you? Should I discuss the current fear, or change the subject? I know everyone's different, but a viewpoint would help.

I used to have an anxiety disorder in my 30s. I has it for years. Panic attacks and then later on agoraphobia. I had just had my third child when it hit. I barely left the house for years. I had my fourth baby during that time and we used the same midwife as before and had a home birth again as before, and while I was happy I had a lot of stress. A lot. Plus panic attacks.

I would call my mother a lot during them and also at night to talk about everything. She was sometimes supportive and other times, understandably to me now, she didn't want to hear it. But in retrospect I really just needed her to listen and say supportive things, not really to solve things for me. Talking about things helped me find my own solutions. You might keep that in mind when your daughter talks about her stuff a lot. She may not want anything more than support and listening. I wouldn't have told or admitted that to her because I wouldn't have felt as comforted because it would have felt fake if I knew she knew.

I have AS and was dx'd several years later in therapy for the anxiety. My therapist noticed things over time and one thing led to another.

I started on Xanax for the anxiety and panic and it helped me. I had tried lots of other meds before it but this one worked for me. I took it for two years every day and when my panic attacks were gone for months I slowly tapered off and kept most of the script left for just in case. It took me two more years to finish it, taking it when a panic attack hit. I haven't had the anxiety like that or a bad panic attack again. Knock wood.

Would she be willing to try meds? Even if she doesn't have the panic attacks, anxiety is bad enough. There is help.

Just listen to her and then let it go unless the problem is something you can and need to fix. Don't forget about you.

My oldest son is 26 and last year when he left his baby mama (but has her three weeks put of the months - he's a good dad and the mom cheated for years) he moved home and lost his job and laid around drinking and crying for months. He also talked my ear off. It was very stressful on me too because I just wanted him to be OK and I was powerless to do anything. I held on and listened and was supportive. He met his now gf a few months later and they are now engages to be engaged and live in a nice house on her parents land. He was OK, I didn't need to fix him buy I just needed to be there, listen and make sure he knew and felt that he had his mom there. His dad supported him too but in the guy way. Not much deep talk unless he was drinking, but my husband listened too.

In my experience as a daughter with anxiety and stress and as a mother of a child who needed me, I found out that sometimes you being there is the main thing and you may not have to do anything.

Id suggest a MD and for her to talk to him about meds that could get her over this rough patch. And for you to listen and support and not try to fix things without real need for her, and to make sure you set time for yourself. Insist on getting it and let your family know when your mom time alone is, whether you go somewhere alone or you chill in bed with a book or Netflix and a shut door.

Good luck. I feel for you and for her. I think if you can keep in mind that this will pass and its not all on you, you will feel better and you can be a better help to your daughter. Hope it starts getting better for you all soon.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Thanks for the insight - it's very helpful to hear it from both child-and-parental viewpoints. I do try to offer solutions and she often doesn't listen, so I'll try to remember that.

In my case, when I'm having severe anxiety, talking doesn't tend to help regardless of what you say. It's like the verbal part of my brain is no longer able to speak to the emotional part of my brain. I can usually only be comforted by nonverbal means, such as giving me a good hug and a cuddle. (I find light touch bugs me, but firm touch feels good.)