Being part of an office clique and sick of it

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I was never really part of a group before, and when I first started my job I thought it was a good way to blend in and stay "safe." There were things at the beginning that were said and done that made my raise my eyebrows, but I used to think the benefits would outweigh the downsides and said nothing.

Lately though, this clique thing has begun to feel exhausting. For one thing, we do everything together. We take our lunch together, and we go on walk breaks together. For another, there seems to be an unspoken rule where some people outside our clique are to be liked while others to be hated, and if you happen to not hold the same position you better not say anything or risk offending the team "leader," who is a bit of a drama queen who cares too much about being liked and not saying the wrong thing, probably because she judges everyone and is quick to take offense.

The weird thing is, individually, each of these people has said something along the line of "I don't care what people think about me" or "I don't answer to anyone," which is pure BS. This lack of self-awareness bothers me, although at the same time they're good with words and always sound reasonable when they voice an opinion that they know is subject to criticism or will contradict something they said in the past. I know if I were to say something, I'd end up sounding like the unreasonable one.

I still think being a member this clique will my work life easier (and let's face it, without them I'll be The Loner), but lately, maybe because I've been feeling stressed out in general but maybe because there are just too many straws on the camel's back, these people who I used to think were well-meaning despite their flaws are driving me crazy.

Does anyone else have any advice on how to deal, or can at least relate to my situation?

That does sound really stressful! This is the fear I had about trying to join any clique (if I could even have managed it)....but to hear what it really is on the inside confirms my feeling that I personally just can't deal with those kind of group dynamic issues. Maybe it is just that particular clique, though. I'm sorry, I don't have advice on how to switch cliques though At my workplaces, I was often the loner, I just wasn't able to even blend enough to get into a clique to begin with. There were two work settings where it kind of happened all around me based on who happened to work in the same space - so I got swept along, but even in what I felt was my reasonable independence (not joining them for lunch or coffee runs because I wanted to be on my own schedule for those things, not going to the bar in the evening because I wanted to go home) sort of cast me out - I was a pseudo-member, and it felt bad that such great people seemed to experience some kind of negative reaction because of my independence from them. But I had to be - we had really limited free time, and I needed to use it for when I was actually hungry or really truly needed a break so as to be productive, and taking it all alone was what helped recharge me rather than with others, which exhausted me (I'm an introvert). But anyway, that clique wasn't as catty - yeah, I did have to listen to some venting, but they definitely didn't love/hate various other people, they weren't so exclusive like that - maybe you can keep an eye out for some more mature people at work and find a way to start going to lunch with them? I say that last part with hesitation, because I have never known how to non-awkwardly get myself invited to lunch... I hope others reply in a more helpful way. For me, the group dynamics were always so difficult and stressful for me at work (it's very different to be solitary in a group setting then it is to be solitary because it is expected) that I am trying to transition to a career where I mostly work alone. For others, that's a complaint - for me, it would much less stressful!

Maybe you can find just one or two other people who are more independent and mature/friendly, and just become friend with them. I say that because my few friends are like this - they are just naturally independent, and they are actually both introverts, too. With just one on one, or even a small group of three, it was fun rather than stressful - and we talk about topics we find genuinely interesting rather than other people, and it wasn't a big deal at all if we didn't do everything together, in fact, we rarely did things together. I'm willing to bet there is at least one other person like this at your workplace, if you ever decide to get out of the click situation. I think socially savvy people know how to balance the two, but I'm not.

I recommend being The Loner.

I need to put a disclaimer here that I am "super neurotypical," so more sensitive to social nuances than regular people.

I avoided cliques in general, but once fell in with a single person who acted very much like how you described your group as acting. This person started having an affair with another person we worked with, and she kept telling me all about it, even though I asked her not to. I liked the other person as well. It was just unwanted knowledge. My former friend/co-worker also gossiped about other people, tried to get information from me (I was a manager, she was not) and was always trying to hang out with me outside of work.

I became "busy" whenever she wanted to do things, and just took lunch by myself. I don't know if she took this out on me at work or not. If she did, it would have been worth it to have peace from being around her, frankly.

In the long run, you will probably do better not being a part of this clique.

I haven't experienced cliques in a work environment as I haven't been able to obtain a job yet. I have encountered them during secondary school and college though. I took the "loner" approach as SocOfAutism suggested. I was in a fortunate position where my father agreed to buy me a laptop, the purpose of which, that I could take it to school with me, to watch DVDs or play games on it during my breaks. This filled the void inbetween lessons and gave my mind something to do. I don't think I would have been able to get through school without it. I think I've watched the film Braveheart somewhere between 700 and 800 times. It was just the right length that I could finish it each day. I also liked listening to it with director's commentary, I'm not a fan of Mel Gibson as a person, but as an actor and director he is one of my favourites.

It sounds like we work in the same company
Good that you are able to fit into the clique, but I think it may not be worth the stress. The first time I was able to do that was when I wa 32, I didn't know at the time I'm on the spectrum and assumed that I 'finally got it'. Two weeks later I started lashing out at people.

If a group leader is a drama queen, others could also be tired of that. Why do you think they do that? Is that a large company that like people to be able to 'build relationships' and it's important factors for promotion? Or is it because situation at work is difficult and gathering together help people deal with stress?

I don't know if they're really tired of that. I guess I'm naive enough to think that most people are well-meaning so my instinct when I hear something negative about someone is to think, "Oh maybe he/she is xyz." Other people, though, apparently feed on other people's frustration and together they end up making someone look worse than he/she really is, and I'm embarrassed to say that, for a time, I fell for this extra negative portrayal of some people at work that I didn't even have any firsthand experience with.



Well, at the beginning I just wanted someone to eat lunch with, but without the pressure of having to contribute to the conversation. Lately, though, everyone and everything is so negative. The company was downsizing, people started leaving, and now I go to work and see the people still with the company and I think, "Who am I even trying to impress?"

At the same time, I may be with the company for a long time, and I guess I'm not brave enough to make the drastic move of isolating myself, :Just in case" things get better.

It's difficult to get out of a clique, once you've gotten in a clique.

It's not nearly as extreme as what happens when one attempts to leave a street gang--but it's similar.

If you take the drastic step of leaving the clique, the other clique members will probably become suspicious of you, even when there's no reason for the suspicion.

Is the supervisor or other "higher up" part of the clique? I rather hope this is not the case.

What is your status with the supervisor, and how does he/she find your work?

I wouldn't just make a clean break in all instances. I would start by making some excuse not to go out to lunch on that day. Like maybe you want to read a book or something. Or maybe you're not feeling well, and you need to rest. I would go out to lunch on other days, though. Hopefully, they won't notice the "absences."

I would loosen the connection gradually, while maintaining some form of communication.

A sudden "cut-off" wouldn't be good, in my opinion.

Kraftie is right, don't just run off. But you're saying you don't want to anyway... well, you'll be better off to distant yourself before you get so sick that you start being rude to them.

It looks like they feel safer being part of a group, but that won't necessary work the same for you. Make sure you do your work the best you can and be helpful to your colleagues, so that they see you as valuable asset whether you socialize with them or not.

I also like Kraftie's approach.