I cannot cope with the circle of life, my grandpa is dying

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I haven't had a full fledged meltdown in months, but I feel depressed every single day. I have no friends in real life besides my boyfriend, and only one person I talk to online. I have an intense fear of death due to PTSD from my father dying as a child and the graphic descriptions of his dead body that I heard from family members. I just lost my job last week and have ample time to sit around and contemplate how much I hate life, social constructions, and death itself.



For the past few months, my grandfather who raised me has been slowly dying from a combination of dementia and lung problems due to old age. I grew up with no parents so he is like my father, and my grandmother is like my mother. I have two young siblings but we aren't close. No uncles and my one aunt is terminally ill and currently in ICU.



When my father died I was traumatized but after the first day I didn't cry anymore. It took several years for the effects of his death to truly hit me. He had tried to kill himself in front of me around a week or two before his death, and it shook my ten year old self to the very core to find out how fragile human life was.



For the past year or so I've had frequent nightmares of my grandparents dying, leaving me completely alone. During high school I no longer lived with them and was 40 minutes away with an ex friend, and now that I live with my boyfriend I am 3 hours away and the drive to go home is incredibly taxing. I live in constant fear of my grandparents dying. They're all I have.



I have very vivid memories of childhood. I had no friends, and no kids wanted to play with me, so my grandfather would play with me for hours. We had a large table with all my toys, figurines, doll houses, trucks, etc and would storytell for hours. Everyday my grandpa drove me to school, and when he would pick me up, we would sometimes go to the dollar tree or a local gas station and I would get some kind of treat, whether it be a new toy or candy, I treasured everything.



When I was in preschool I had a very hard time sleeping and my grandpa would tell me intridicate, complex stories about different cats and dogs going on journeys through the city. These tales were weaved together completely on the spot, and it was magical to me. Sometimes he would fall asleep and I would poke him in the arm and ask him to keep going with the story. He never minded.



My grandfather has always done everything he could to help other humans and animals, his kind soul touching everyone in the Podunk town I grew up in. These past few years he's taken in a cluster of cats, and he feeds them and cares for them everyday. He builds elaborate houses and structures for them. He has magazine clipouts of cats taped to his wall, next to the pictures of his family. He writes the word baby above them, and this is incredibly striking to me, as it shows how much he values the lives of all creatures.



It truly breaks my heart to watch my grandpa no longer have the strength to tend to his beloved garden, or drive his tractor. Even walking outside to his car now is a struggle for him, and he requires oxygen treatments and a myriad of doctor visits to keep going. I can remember a time when my grandfather was always outside in his shed, building rocking chairs and cat houses, among various other contraptions that would help around the house. Now, he barely leaves his room.


This is the first time in two months I have visited, and it has been incredibly poignant for me to witness his decline. I did some cross stitch artwork for him and took it to his room, noticing he had so many pictures of me and my siblings on his wall, as well as his cat collage. I ran out and burst into tears, and I've been having a nervous breakdown for two hours. As I'm writing this, my fingers are slipping and sliding against the screen, the glass slick with tears.



My emotional reaction to most things is minimal. Hell, I had little response to being raped. But this absolutely tears me to pieces, and I cannot cope with the fact that someone as wonderful and caring as my grandfather will soon die, and be remembered by only a small group of people. The world is too cruel to take away a good man when countless bullies, rapists, and murderers roam the streets. I'm an atheist and have been told by nearly everyone online that there is no afterlife, and the prospect of never seeing my father or grandfather again destroys me on a level that no one can understand.



This is inciting multiple breakdowns, dissociations, and sobbing spells for me, and I hate it. Everyone's platitudes, including things like, "Circle of life" and "Everyone has their time" make me f*****g furious. I hate it. I wish I could handle death or have the minimal reactions to loved ones dying that a lot of aspies have.

I’m so sorry that your grandpa is dying. It sounds like he’s a gentle man who raised you with all of the love he could spare. It sounds like he’s suffering now and his body is failing. I know you want to cling to him as long as possible because he means so much, you should wish that he pass away soon. Only because it sounds like he gave as much as he could, and he deserves to be at peace.

I think you should consider driving the very taxing three hours to see him. I think you should tell him, as best as you can, how much he means to you. Give him a hug, remember the way he smells, remember that moment as best you can. Say good bye to him.

As for what you do after he passes, there’s no easy answer. That will take time to figure out. I can tell you that he wants the best for you. I can tell because he raised you with love, and people who raise their kids/grandkids with love do so because they want the best for them. You can keep him in your heart, and do the best that you can with your life. That will keep him alive, in a sense. His influence when he raised you will influence the way you live going forward if you honor the values he taught you. Just do your best.

I’m so sorry for the loss you’ll have. It’s painful now, and when he passes it might be even more painful. I realize this will be a void for you and it will seem like it can’t be filled. But in a sense, if you allow it (after the pain and tears with will be significant), this will open up a new stage in your life, where you’ll focus on carrying his legacy. Whether that be washing dishes at Wendy’s and doing the very best you can, or becoming a famous lawyer; it’s not about the accomplishments, it’s really about doing the best you can. I think he’d love you and be proud of you one way or the other. Because, the way you described him, it sounds like that’s the kinda guy he is.

Since you have lost your job, could that be an opportunity to spend more time with your grandfather now? It was not clear to me if he still lives at home, or in an institution of some sort. If he's still in his original house, perhaps there is a place you could sleep, and then help out with anything needed.

Kindly taking care of a loved elderly person is a profoundly transforming experience. And I think you will have less regret after he passes, if you know you gave him all you could.

I agree with spending lots of time with your grandpa. He seems like a nice person. I envy his carpentry abilities.

I wouldn’t have had the patience your grandpa had. I’m a terrible storyteller. He sounds like he would have been a fine writer.

I hope you do visit him often. He would really like that.

I’m sorry your dad did the thing he did.

I’m not eloquent. But I feel like you’re a person of depth and intelligence. And I hope you will spend quality time with your grandpa.

That's a good idea, it's what I want to do honestly. My boyfriend is pushing me hard to come home and go right into job interviews and such, but it's too much to bear and I've sucked at both of the jobs I've had since I moved in. My grandmother is doing 90% of the house work and familial duties because it's what motivates her, but I've tried to talk her into letting me take some of the responsibility, and she's not having it. Hopefully she will soon let me take over because having to help my grandpa and two small children must be hard on her.

My grandpa never finished high school, but I would consider him an incredibly smart person, and a practical engineer. He could fix or build nearly anything, with the exception of computers. When my grandparent's microwave broke, he made a handle that would push the damaged button in far enough to get it working again. I wish I could ask him to make a book for me of all his engineering feats.

Many people of your grandfather’s generation didn’t finished high school. In many coumtries, you find many intelligent people who don’t even finish grade school.

It is said that’s Abe Lincoln only had about 1 1/2 years of schooling, total, before his law studies.

If it helps at all, there are some who say that a person truly dies only when they're forgotten, so as long as you live so will your grandfather. In your memories, that is.