Is the cultural picture as grim as I'm thinking?

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Ok interesting and you must be a red pill, right?

Today didn't go well at all.

I've been searching around in SQL for a client to tie things together and make reports when I have no idea what data is right, which to line up with which, and for whatever reasons - my slop, my own mental limits, other tasks, or all three, I've sent them the wrong thing at least a few times. To be fair they see a front end that doesn't look like SQL so they have no reason to know what's going on back there. Internally though I really lost it though, and it showed in my nonverbals. The additional message I get - if you need directions you're too weak to live, or you should be sleeping under the stars and eating out of garbage cans because its all your worth if you can't automatically guess a whole bunch of things you have no reason to know and would fail the task if you took the full amount of time required to know what you needed to.

What's dangerous is I am working with enough people who probably do have reasonable assurance that I'll come in on bath salts one day and eat someone's face - if someone's not a perfect conformist all the way down to the exact way they pick up a pencil or for its exactly what you can expect of them, ie. to either do that or to find out on the news that they had a few dozen dead bodies decomposing in their basement.

This is where I can help feeling like it circles back - ie. people hate each other and want to see each other dead. Holding a job is mortal combat. What's horrifically sick is I know, where I'm at now and when I've had power, I've never done this to anyone nor would I. At the same time I see pretty clearly - my kindness seems to be in exact proportion to my inferiority and other people's cruelty almost exactly in line with their ability to hold the dagger over my head. f**k.

I had a drive at lunch today and wow, I won't lie - I screamed my lungs out, really made me wonder about how close my mental stability is to its limits.

The other thing that got me is how much weakness I showed when my boss came over, I was deeply frazzled already, he was nice about the hole thing but my voice was wavering, I was apologizing, and worse - I was apologizing in front of coworkers who already think I'm spiraling down and out the door. NOT good.

I cleaned up at least the work portion of my mess, thankfully a large part of it was things I never could have known. OTOH I did show weakness around people who'd gladly slit my throat work-wise so, I still have to chalk this up as pretty bad. That'll be several points in their dossier on me.