Trash YOUR parents so my son doesn’t have to...

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My son is 10. His great attributes are honestly too many to list. As a parent, it is tough to help him thrive in the best situation. In most activities, he has periods of struggle because he loses interest, reacts too strong to negative feedback, etc. Any activity with a ASD focus (school included), he quickly becomes the “model” and asks why he can’t be with kids “like him”.

We are considering moving him from his private school next year. He is doing well socially, but the kids all live far away and our new local school is small and “seems” like a good fit. He constantly complains about the private school, but mostly about the academic demands (which are way too much).

I am really trying not to make my son live through my experiences or to meet any expectations I had. His happiness is all that I care about. I worry that I put too much emphasis on keeping him safe and free of emotional trauma. His current school is too academic for him and there aren’t friends close by. BUT, it is a small class and the kids know and love him for exactly who he is.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, especially folks on the spectrum who are now teens or Adults, if you could have changed anything your parents did when you were a kid, what would it have been?

Please be brutally honest, or make suggestions as to what I should ask my son. For example, He has things he loves that would seem “young” to the average 10 year old. Should I encourage him to change that behavior? If not, how can I help him deal with peer ridicule other than letting him know how awesome I think he is? Sorry for the ramble. I am done listening to professionals. I would love the input of someone with experience.

hell, could i have changed... just listen to him. to what he wants. keep an understanding of him and his motivations (and not what u'd think would be his motivations). if he is liked by his peers, that is great. but perpetual strain of being pushed to his limit with academic demands COULD prove problematic in the long run. and then could not. we all are different. but high academic demand for a 10 years old? this might be too early. and yes, autists generally have totally different milestones. and then, we have special needs. such proper stimming, quiet times, and meeting our hyperfocus interests. all that is more important, than goddamn academic achievement, especially at the age of 10. u need to provide him with stimtoys, before u provide him with textbooks. and then, with whatever strange thing he is chosing. such as, an adult autist can be fascinated with seashells, for example. and collect the pictures and physical objects unrelentfully. is that "young" for 31 years old? no f***s given. and then we can lose interest and find another. whatever he is mesmerized by at this time, u gotta respect. we develop differently, and trying to force us into allistic norm is one of worst things that can be done to us. lets say. when i had my own kid, and she started getting her earliest baby toys, i was fascinated by those myself. and couldnt admit or persue that interest, because its "young" for a 26 years old woman. just give them to baby and go cook, ya. dressup dolls are boring, but sensory sets are mesmerizing. AS an adult. i much later found out why. ya, my mother's parenting was all sorts of f****d up, and she never admits it. u are trying at least.

Me and my brother both have severe trauma because of changing school at 10 (me) and 12 (him).
The new school was socially totally different from the old one. Our old school had very mixed crowd, poor, rich, professor's children and social welfare beneficients, city founders and immigrants and all the possible kinds of middle ground in one class. In this mix, everyone could find their unique path and be at least tolerated the way they were.
Our new school had very homogenic crowd and we didn't really fit there. We couldn't get their values and ways of thinking. We ended up severily bullied, especially my brother, girls are more subtle in they ways of bullying but boys - his things were stolen or damaged on daily basis.
Our parents knew it and did exactly nothing about it. That's my brother's biggest issue with them.
My issues are mostly about my mother freaking out on seeing me "different" and trying to root it out of me but from your post I get you are not like her.

If your son is accepted in his school the way he is, let me tell you, it is an enormous treasure and it may not be that way in his new school.

Why didn't it ever occur to me?
I must try it with my daughter when there is so much pain to make her do her homework!
She loves fluffy things, there is some space to experiment... Thanks!

why, magz? because u were not provided. same as i. i got my first ones past 30 years old... and u are welcome) (also do make sure u provide urself...)

Bullying can be extremely destructive to an Aspie. For boys, this threat peaks around Junior High School. For girls this normally peaks during High School Years. And then the threat subsides. Many times children will not report bullying to their parents. I never did. I felt it was my problem to deal with. So I would encourage you to have a talk with your son about the subject and make sure he knows that you have his back. He should inform you of any bullying so that you may comprehend the intensity of this threat. That doesn't mean that you need to step in any time he is bullied. It is his battle to fight, but if it becomes a major issue, you can step in and remove him from the threat if it becomes too great.

From my perspective I would advise you give him the means to defend himself and give him permission to defend himself. Those are two different elements. Because I sustained significant bullying in school, when I raise my children in this manner. Before my oldest daughter entered school for the first time, I pulled her aside and told her that some children in school are mean and that it is O.K. for her to defend herself. [I was the smallest child in my class and so was my wife, so naturally my daughter was the smallest in hers). Somewhere around the 2nd grade my wife received a call from the principal. She frantically called me at work and I told her I would resolve the issue when I got home. So when I arrived home I found out that my little girl had bit someone on the playground. So I pulled my daughter aside and asked her what happened. She said that a girl was picking on her. So I told my daughter that since I told her she has the right to defend herself, she has done nothing wrong. I told her to avoid doing that in the future. And she did.

Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. I am happy to report that my son definitely knows we have his back and is very open discussing his problems (at least at this age). If anything, I worry we focus too much on sheltering him from harm and may miss out on things he would love. My current view is to stay at the current school prioritizing a healthy social environment. He is totally himself with these kids and they like and accept him, quirks and all. But the other school would be less stressful for him academically and it is a local school in our town. If he made friends there, it would make his after school life better. He has social issues, but is very interested in being social. He is a class clown type and uses silly humor as an ice breaker. Too much when he is anxious. One on hand I have a school that could be perfect, but the social aspect is unknown and we can’t rule out bullying. On the other we have a safe and supportive social situation, but not many kids near by and increasing academic stress. If I had one wish I could be 10 again and go with him. If any mad scientists are here......

I think for a lot of Aspies, doing well socially is more important in the long term than academics. If you miss some years as a teenager socially you can't get that back.

sounds like a very successfull young man)
many of us end up as pariahs... especially in childhood

My son changed schools much more often than I would have liked. I think this is stressful to autistic children because of the changes in routine as well as the relative difficulty of making new friends. Can there be any accommodations to help with the academic demands? (tutors, alternative methods of teaching, etc.)

He is getting accommodations at school now. He isn’t in danger of failing or anything like that. It is just an advanced curriculum, so he is forced to focus for most of the day (which is a challenge). The local school would be pretty easy for him, he is naturally very bright. I could care less about academic achievement. It is hard because his best social fit happens to be at a school with a heavy academic focus.

well ability to focus will rise with age. and being autistic means, natural advantage in that area. its just that 10 years old is normally prone to distract with any neuro build. so i'd say give him some slack (so he passes but dont push him to excell) and make sure he gets good downtime, abformentioned stimtoys etc. rest is key importance, and we have different needs for our rest.make sure those are met (sorry,im talking in circles. happens to us when we want to press smth important xd)