suicidal but wanting to live

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Yes I try that but am aware I am getting more anxious difficulty speaking even now and catatonic at times

I'm wondering if a dialogue with Serpentari might help.

Obviously, Catatonia is no good. I know you probably don't want to call the mental health services....but I might consider it under your circumstances.

This is not sarcastic: if you've stayed somewhere nice previously, and that place has helped you, maybe you could try that place again?

I had a similar experience and developed Complex PTSD, with agoraphobia, reclusive behaviour, selective mutism and the levels of anxiety you describe. I was catatonic for several weeks in the beginning. Just know that you aren't alone. I am almost at the ten year mark. I still have bad days but most are comfortable if I keep to myself, protect my privacy and take note of all my sensory triggers. Rest your body and your mind. It can take years to process and understand the effects of trauma.

Gentle reminder to serpentari: you're out of spoons. Hugs.

isa, thanx. i mean it. but i will and will find spoons. this is important. i know my budgets.

It all seems hopeless. I've tried all the kind suggestions for many years, but getting worse and feeling a burden on everyone

i know that feeling, and it is wrong. its the depression talking. u are not a burdain. but i cant help u against ur will. u still want to live, so u have to fight it. i told u how. and i know its hard. i've been there. including recently, at that. just take my hand and i will do my best to help u up that slope

run out of what to do.

What do you mean take your hand??? How do I do that?

by listening to what i told u to do earlier... to start with) the state u are in is it's own trap, ur mind makes u believe there is no tomorrow. i've went this road many enough times to see thru that lie. but i cant help u without ur consent and effort