How to deal with unexpected events (humorous).

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How to deal with unexpected events, especially if it's my fault, a semi humorous rant (for my own benefit)

step 1:
Panic: it's the end of the world, all you know and loves ends today, you'll end up cold, alone and dead in a ditch.

step 2:
find a way to cope with anxious and negative taught. Stimming and writing is a good way of doing it. It is important to note that you need to be particularly unsociable to people who tries to interact with you while you wait for the apocalypse. If they ask what's wrong don't tell them about the coming end of existence, besides, they can't help you.

step 3:
calm down and find a solution

step 4:
freeze until it's too late to take action

step 5:
give up in disgust, your life is over

step 6:
ask someone you trust for advice, listen to them, problem should be solved

*While it's not mandatory, it is good practice to panic some more at step 4 and 5

You've made a good start on formulating a plan of action, I think; but I'm not sure that you've emphasised enough the importance of considering every possible permutation of actions and outcomes when procrastinating, nor how vital it is to learn from one's mistakes and attain "closure" by regularly ruminating about whether one did the right thing or not for years afterwards. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that other people's unpredictable actions and reactions will lead to ambiguities which make an exact solution impossible; so one must always be tenacious in looking for the absolute, concrete solution to every problem, even if only in retrospect - however long it takes, however small the problem, and whatever hour of the early morning one's mind instinctively enters such productive and therapeutic ruminative states.

Unfortunately, some of us have innate impairments in these essential problem-solving traits, sometimes as severely disabling as the complete inability to enter the "shut down" state, which is so necessary for putting a difficult situation into perspective by inducing a worse situation for comparison. I really wish I had some better advice for people who are thus afflicted with dysprocrastination and hypo-ruminativity - I consider myself very fortunate that these skills have always come naturally to me.

That list seems oddly similar to the Six Phases of a Project:

1. Enthusiasm.
2. Disillusionment.
3. Panic and hysteria.
4. Assignment of the blame.
5. Punishment of the innocent.
6. Praise and honor for the nonparticipants.

Step 1. Recognize increased stress levels.
Step 2. Separate emotional and analytical side of brain.
Step 3. Completely turn off emotional side of brain. Turn off all emotions (fear, hate, shock, helplessness, anger). Spin up analytical brain.
Step 4. Let analytical brain explore all possible options and select the best option.
Step 5. Implement selected option.