Feeling Terrible

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I’m feeling pretty awful. I am having the hardest time with my girlfriend and family. My girlfriend is the person I have been the closest with out of anyone ever. She had been with me through a lot, and is the only person I have ever felt that real, deep, two soul mate type of connection with ever. We also have a ton of problems. She finds my confusions with social exchanges and issues expressing empathy in some of the ‘typical’ ways really hurtful, and on top of that I have been far from perfect in my own right. She has her own issues that aren’t even really fully understood, but she gets emotionally overwhelmed, and lashes out intensely. She gets so overwhelmed by how other people and their situations make her feel, that it cause her to try and Ridgely control situations. She nagged and nagged me until I stopped seeing my therapist because she didn’t like her. She got furiously angry at me when I went for my ASD diagnosis, because the testing went an hour over the appointment time. She didn't even ask how it went. She doesn’t even trust the doctor who game me the test now, because according to my girlfriend a competent doctor wouldn’t overshoot an appointment. She gets so mad at me for my faults in deficiencies (which are admittedly many) that we never end up talking about how she can work on her side of things.

To make matters worse, she hates my family, and feels like I was way too close with them before we started dating. She feels like when I engage with them, that it crosses boundaries and feels like cheating. My family and her don’t get along, and I found out recently that they really don’t want her around. They find her too stressful, and want it kept away from my aunt who just got diagnosed with cancer and my grandpa who is nearing his death. My mom lashed out at my girlfriend at my birthday dinner for getting in the way of everyone getting together, and now my girlfriend feels validated about every negative thought shes ever had about my family, and I am dreading the next time we get together, if we ever even do.

I feel so guilty, because I have really not been there for my family through a lot of really hard times, because they don’t mix with my girlfriend. My step brother passed, my mom got divorced and moved to another state, my great aunt went violently senile and died.

I don’t know what to do. I am worried about what my girlfriend would do without me. She lives with me, and I take care of a lot of her basic needs. She has basically no one else besides me to really count on, and I worry that eventually she might have issues working and taking care of herself. She supports me as best she can through my own shortcomings, and I feel an empathetic tug and responsibility to work with her through her issues the way she has helped me through a lot of mine. I feel like I would miss her and feel guilty about it forever. I love her more than anything, and she is the only person who gives me a glimpse of feeling human. I also feel guilty every day. I am constantly anxious that I might accidentally do or not do something that sets my girlfriend off.

I feel stuck and like no matter what I do or don’t do, many terrible things are going to happen to the people I care most about. I don’t know what to do or how to go about figuring it all out.

I know the feeling all too well.

I would encourage her to stop lashing out at you all the time, and talk things out instead. You're taking care of her to the best of your ability----and she should appreciate that. If she starts insulting you, I would just put her on "ignore."

Correspondingly, you should make sure you don't yell, either. You should set an example by being willing to talk things out rather than yell and get upset.

These days, I draw the line at yelling. When my wife starts yelling, I just leave the room. I don't go in for that stuff.

I wish relationships weren't so complicated----but they usually are.

I am glad that you feel enough for a person that you are concerned about her. I hope she feels the same way about you.

It sounds like your girlfriend needs professional help. Her irrational jealousy at any kind of closeness you have with anyone else, including even your therapist, and her need to micro-manage your relationship, suggest that she has serious attachment issues, possibly a personality disorder. Don't get me wrong, I do sympathise with her, because those kinds of psychological problems are usually caused by terrible traumas which those people have suffered. However, I strongly feel that this isn't something you're likely to be able to help her with on your own, and so long as you always give in to her demands, she is very unlikely to change at all. Eventually, this is likely to doom your relationship, by which time patching things up with your family might also be very difficult.

Interfering with your therapies for your autism and expecting you to estrange yourself from your family are simply not reasonable demands. Nor is expecting you to perfect your behaviours while she refuses to address any of her own. Essentially, she is using your romantic attachment and sense of duty to emotionally blackmail you, whether she is conscious of this herself or not. Ultimately, for the relationship to work long-term, you will either have to continue enduring her abuse, insist that she gets help and help her to stick with it, or end the relationship.

I'm so sorry to be the bearer of such sad advice, and of course, it is not my decision to make. I really do think, though, that you need to look out for your future emotional health. She can only be helped if she wants to be helped, and there has to be a line somewhere beyond which you will help her no further, for everyone's sake. What she does should you walk away is entirely her own responsibility; it sounds like you would do anything in your powers to help if only she would take it, so there would be absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for. Splitting up might be painful, of course, but if the relationship continues as it is now, it will eat away at your love for her.

Best wishes and take care.

Your girlfriend sounds a bit controlling. I don't really have any good advice for controlling partners because I've never had a controlling partner myself. My boyfriend is the opposite of controlling.

Agreed with trogluddite

I know of a couple that are getting counseling for codependency, they say that it's been very helpful.

A significant other should compliment all of your other relationships. A significant other should not try and run off anyone who may be a means of support to you, besides her. That is not healthy. In fact, one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is isolation of the victim from friends, family and therapists (support) by the abuser. Eventually, you end up on an island, with no one in your corner but your girl-friend. Then, you'll be less likely to ever leave because everyone else is long gone. Abuse is not limited to violence... sometimes it's just emotional. But, it's equally as damaging.

My son was in a similar relationship. He's on the spectrum too. She was the first ( and I believe the only girl he'd ever had sex with ), that's a very powerful lure. Finally, after she'd stolen from him, ruined his car, got him fired with her clinginess, and run off his entire family, she was happy. He would still have been with her, but she ended up leaving him because he just wasn't exciting enough for her.

You are allowed and supposed to have other people in your life. Nobody should be someone's only source of support unless they can't physically get out of the house or something. If your family loves you and you love them, they should be a part of your life. Same with your therapist... I see his 'lateness' as his willingness to do a good job on your evaluation. He probably wanted to leave on time too, but he stayed late because you are worth it.

Be careful...

It sounds like a difficult situation.

I'd guess that based on your girlfriend's jealousy issues, she's been given reason to feel insecure in the past, maybe even having been betrayed by someone close to her. I notice that the people that tend to have these jealousy issues are either doing so because they're afraid of reliving a past hurt, or because they're cheaters themselves, and my guess would be that your girlfriend is in the former category.

As to how to approach the situation, my first thought would be to try and direct conversations about what you're doing wrong to conversations about compromises. It should't be all you need to change and she's fine as she is, but it will likely continue to be that way if you don't change the tone of the conversation on your end.

I don't think it's reasonable for your girlfriend to stand between you and your family. If she doesn't want a relationship with them, then you can tell her that she doesn't have to see them or interact with them, but you should not be precluded from doing so.

I think your girlfriend is being overbearing and either she should see a therapist, or both of you should go to couples counselling. It's unreasonable for your girlfriend to put a wedge between you and your family, and to try and control which therapists you can and can't see.