I feel like a lousy mean pathetic person

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I work sanitation at a loud, noisy warehouse and I live in a city and I live in an appartment complex. I've been angry all day and want so bad to get away from people and everything. One lady held a door open for me and I didnt want to get anywhere near her so I said "You don't need to hold the door for me" and she called me rude and walked away. Now I'm at home and I have pets that rely on me and I'm pretty sure the dog is depressed because I wont give him attention and I'm angry so he's scared because he's a small dog and gets scared easily and I have to do Calculus homework and it's the last thing that I want to do. I'd waaaaay sooner drink down wine.

Mainly I'm friggen terrified around people and I want to avoid people but I have no choice but to deal with it and I dont know how and it sucks. Like if I was normal and knew how to deal with people then life would be soooooooo much easier.

You may need a day off work where you can relax with your dog?

No, I can't do that because I have no more PTO time. I'm feeling better since venting here and then watching an episode of Atypical. But I am still scared of people.

Uhmm. People can be scary, but don't worry. People are usually ok. I find the odd people to be more human!

Do you live alone, Jleger? What do you like to do to unwind, besides wine? Any interests.. hobbies? Feel for you ... and your dog. You sound as though you’re a spring, wound so tight ... you need a release ... wish for you a happier existence ... and more positive encounters in this world of people.

Everyone is sometimes "lousy", "mean", "pathetic", and "angry"

Fear of "people" could be justified

Anyone could call anything "rude". You can't measure etiquette

The woman that held the door open for you was trying to "help" you

Many times when someone tries to "help", they are just bothering you

But that is not their intention

They think they know your perspective and they don't but they are trying their best

The person was trying to "help" in the way they thought would be nice for me - had good intentions but didnt understand me. One other user whose a veteran user with 60k posts said to let the person hold the door open because it avoids hassles. It's weird but there seem to be certain social rules and conventions that are expected to be followed. Holding doors open or recognizing help + saying thank you or saying hi back to someone are expected behaviors.

You know it's weird - all those "bee yourself" posters and you still have to behave a certain way.

How true.

Wine is good. I like a variety of things from my gaming days. Always Resident Evil or maybe some nature programs on TV. Sometimes life comes at me nonstop and I get very little of a break, or maybe I don't allow myself a break. Today I decided that my self-image is a reason why I'm afraid of people. If I see myself as atypical in a way that I cannot socialize with others and define myself as "is scared of everything" then I'll avoid people and be scared of everything. The way of think of myself matters a lot. Well often I don't know how to see myself in a different way. Sometimes I feel stuck down and out. I think that deep breathing and practicing self affection will help me. I understand that if nobody else will be there for me, the best friend I can have is myself. If I love myself then I must start there.

Often what I'd do at work is see myself as some kind of super beast and try to be a army tank that plows through all obstacles with controlled anger. But that leaves me exhausted and I end up working myself harder than any other person in the facility, and it's not being very nice to myself. I don't want to be the hardest worker that ever was. I was to be my own friend.

There are so many behaviors that seem fun to me but are OMG WTF to others. Climbing up trees, climbing across the side of bridges, climbing across the tops of playgrounds while parents are there with their kids, playing Legoes in the lego room at the library when parents start coming in with their 2yr olds, throwing sticks at trees on the college campus results in security guards chasing me. So many behaviors deemed inappropriate. But in my video games i could do anything i wanted and nobody would say otherwise. But being in society with other people - not knowing the social conventions and having no other way to occupy my time... it stinks. In my dreams at least I still have free range to grow wings and fly, and I can jump across any rooftop and hunt dinosaurs with an anti-dino rifle, and explore secret facilities that go into the depths of the earth, or ride my bike across vast plains. They say "bee yourself" but whence do you really get that opportunity? Isn't the shadow a concept of those parts of you that wants to break free and embrace chaos? And why do birds get to fly and poop on cars and dogs get to pee on peoples tires? I feel jealous.

I'm soo like this, the best bit... As a single mum I can play in the park with my son and nobody suspects anything hahah i used to hang at the park with friends and they'd sit and talk whilst I ran around like a loon playing

@Tokatekika
I like to go to the little "park" area with a billboard and just one swingset that nobody visits and swing to my hearts content, imagining that I'm about to take off into the sky and fly around town. Sometimes I bring my dog and we swing together. Hey, did you ever see the movies Amelie or The Shape of Water? I think even the movie In Your Eyes was a good one. They all have characters that want to appreciate life a bit more.

What are you scared of, specifically?

Severe sensory and mental overload can make me slip into rude, mean person mode. Regrettable but very occasionally unavoidable.