How far people thought I'd get vs. how far did I get

Post Reply New Topic

It's a given that most autistic people will struggle with reaching normal signs of crowth and adulthood; if we didn't, why would there be need to be a term for what we are? It's just that some really low functioning autistic people can never even dream of being independent, others can get high educations and make it to high paying jobs, while most are in between the two. And because of this, parents are likely to expect too much or too little from their autistic children.

When I was really small, 2-3 years old or so, my parents were too busy wondering if I'd even live long enough to reach adulthood because of my physical disability, so they didn't pay that much attention to my behaviour. Either they didn't notice or thought I was simply different because the life I had was so different from other little kids. I got diagnosed at the age of 9 or 10, not exactly sure, but that was probably the wake up call for my parents. By the time I finished 9th grade, they were sure that I wasn't normal and that I wouldn't be able to keep up with my peers, but at least to me it seemed that they still thought that I could live a normal life eventually, that I was just maturing slowly and would catch up with time. I think they thought this until I was 21 when I got my first fulltime job. They probably thought that this was it, that I'd be abe to live like a normal adult in a few years. Working class adult, but so are they so that wasn't a problem.

But the thing is, I lost that job. I wasn't fired, but I only had a short contract that wasn't continued. After that I was unemployed for quite a while, which is when I think that my parents stopped thinking I could live normally.

Now I have a long term contract, but the job is only part time and very simple, so it's very low paid. My parents are no longer on my case about finding a job, not trying to get me to find a better job or make my life better in some other way aside from saving for an apartment of my own. They want me to buy a place to live but other than that, they are no longer encouraging me forward in any way, no longer seem to see it as important that I'd try to make things better for myself.

In a way it's nice, it means no pressure, but it also makes me think that they simply don't believe I could do any better or reach anything more. And while that might be true, I'm not satisfied with my situation, so I want to keep trying to achieve something more. I just feel like no one supports me in it, like they think I've already climbed as high as I can get. Of course, it's possible that they're just staying quiet to not put too much pressure on me, but that never seemed to stop them before...

Not even sure why I'm writing this, just wanted it out. Any similiar experiences?

I'm burnt out from trying to be more, I guess the pendulum swung too far one direction.
I honestly dont have more in me, not if I want to stay well.

Lately my mum has come to start supporting me, to just be me, for the first time in my life. It's quite significant, before her the first time I had this in real life was with my partner of 3 years (also ASC).
He knows my potential and has a gently encouraging way about him that works for me.
Mums approach has now become like your parents, though for her it's about preventing more harm to my health.

I have moments where I truly want to be more than I am and struggle to not hate myself for being who I am and for the extra issues I co exist with. I dont have secure work, or the potential to own my own home again, these things gnaw away at me, the lack of security and predictably is the hardest. I'm always one bad bout of depression away from losing the temporary stability that I do have.
Try as I might I cant break free from the survival mode.

Sorry for trailing off there.

Back on topic... People thought I would get farther than I have.

It’s normal to want to make parents proud. But you have to do what’s right for you. I also want to go farther. But I am not a strong person and getting an apartment of my own might screw me up if I can’t handle it. I wish mom would just let me move back home!

When I graduated from Junior High School, my classmates held a graduation party which I did not attend. They voted me "Least Likely to Succeed". The word eventually got back to me.

So there was no expectation among my peer group that I would amount to anything. Perhaps that was one of the drivers that propelled me to succeed.

Nice! How far have you gotten, if you don't mind me asking? Did you achieve all the "corner stones" of adulthood? You know, a career, long time partner, kids and a home that you own?

I obtained a degree in Physics from UCLA. This is despite the fact that they rejected my application 3 or 4 times before they accepted me. I tend to be tenacious.

I married and have now been married for over 45 years. We just celebrated our anniversary by taking a cruise around the Hawaiian Islands.

My wife and I built our own home. By that I mean we did most of the construction work. We never had a mortgage on our home. It is and has always been a home that we owned. And our home sits on 30 acres of trees, streams and hills in a quiet environment.

We have 2 children and 5 grandchildren. Wonderful little ones.

But perhaps one of the most important thing is our life has been a grand adventure.

Back in 1982 I was in psych hospital , and seen as at best a candidate for a group home and at worst a long stay ward( this was before care in the community had really got going) .

I've never had a job. Have no friends . However I've not been in psych hospital since my 20 month or so stay from 1981-1983 .

^^That's pretty darn good. You've succeeded in remaining the community for almost 40 years.

As far as myself, I sort of did okay----but I could have done much better had not be so lazy and complacent.

I think it's due to the support I got from my wife before she developed dementia and since then my youngest stepdaughter. That and the more conservative criteria re being admitted to a psych hospital .

Being torn between "genius" and "loser" - I've always lived under unbearable pressure to live up to one, to prove the other wrong.
I've landed... no, as long as I'm alive, I'm afloat. That's what I need to stick to every morning when I feel like a noose would be an answer and every evening when I question if the whole bottle of my meds at once wouldn't be a nice option.
Sorry, drunk posting again.
Don't worry for me. I'm reasonable.

I was expected to go far (intelligent, energetic). I have and I haven't. I have time yet. My "wrongness" has deterred me combined with gender discrimination. I am looking to "get over" both of them and be my amazing (and bumbling) self.

In my late 40s, I feel like I am on a precipice, a good one. Part of this is getting my AS diagnosis (or not, I'll know in 2 wks).

My parents initially thought that my Asperger's only meant that I was intelligent and shy. They (and I) expected me to live a perfectly normal life. I'm 26 - by now, the expectation was that I would have a well-established veterinary career, a house of my own, and as many animals as I could afford. In reality I have only ever had jobs as a part-time janitor (applied for a bunch of low-end jobs, and I can count on one hand how many I ever heard anything back from), have been unemployed for two and a half years and am on SSI, was in the hospital four times last year due to self-harm and suicidal thoughts, and still live with my parents. Now I think the general expectation is that this is about as far in life as I'm going to get.

@dragonsanddemons, my AS-like BFF and I were both late bloomers. We were just talking about this last Sunday. In her early 30s, my BFF recalls being a complete "loser" living with her parents and holding minimum wage jobs, here and there. She is now in her late 40s and up for a state government technical position (which I would consider prestigious to some degree). On my 27th birthday I was crying in a hotel room that I couldn't afford, but my tent had broken in a windstorm, I was homeless and unemployed, albeit with my boyfriend. Soon thereafter I got a temp job that turned into a career. My husband is supposedly NT but another late bloomer, still waiting for traditional success (he's 50) but maybe his success will be nontraditional. If my suicidal, self-harming self could have had a crystal ball, would it have helped? I don't know. I hope something turns around for you so that the rock bottom you are sitting on is behind you soon. For me there was a day in my late 20s when my boyfriend said in a calm voice that he was going to call the ambulance and I said "no, not this time" and I stopped harming myself and I haven't since (sure, I've been suicidal since then, but with decreasing frequency and no self harm, uh, but if you count mild injury from angry outbursts then that stopped in my mid 40s). I hope a day comes for you. Keep getting help while you are getting through this. When a surgeon saved my life during a medical event at age 36, I thanked her, because I had an opportunity to fight again for what I wanted. And I remember how weird it was, b/c for so many years I had wanted to die, and when at that time in my life I almost did, finally I was so glad I was alive.

I honestly am starting to believe I've peaked.

Not that I'm all that raging of a success, but I had a fairly normal life for about 36 years. I just can't seem to hide that something isn't right with me anymore. If I go out into the real world, I sleep for hours when I get home.

I haven't given up though. Still trying to find a place for myself because I hate being dependent on my husband, I want to work.