nutty anxiety attacks

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Frankly I don't think I'll evolve to that point. I'm here wishing for more people around to drive me mad.

I don't get meltdows, only isolated panic attacks nobody wants me whining about & year-round anxiety.

I honestly just don't believe in people being as sh***y to each other as they are. It's not even real to me anymore.

I don't think any of the people I love most give a damn how I feel & I don't think they're mentally healthy people. WTF I'm not a "mentally healthy person" but at least I'm not pretending to care.

I shouldn't even be alive. Don't ask.

f**k psychology.

f**k everyone who thinks they know how my brain works.

f**k them all.

F**k yourself then? It's not a question how your brain works. It's a question how you act and how others think that your brain works just because of the way that their own brain works. And it's a question how emotional connections work. Girls may be a way that you don't get. Most of them are sh***y calculating towards guys. You aren't a big and funny superhero prince who rules the world and all other guys and blows every girls mind as soon as she spots him. But you aren't an idiot either. And you want no hooker who is just calculating towards you. You desire an emotional connection towards a girl that is great. But you can't change the world and the way that women are.
For this you need to learn about empathy and emotional connections and become aware that NT women spot your feelings towards them immediately and skip you in case of you having any doubts about yourself or about them. Stop establishing mental boarders and become someone who includes others in the positive way that he faces the world. Become a different way and girls will compete towards you.

You are entitled to you opinion, but my opinion is you can't possible know what you might evolve in to. You cannot extrapolate from the data you have reliably into the future due to human, even autistic developmental stages. Unless your inscrutable brain configuration includes reliable foretelling of the future, of course.

In my 20s and 30s I was so messed up it's not even possible to put it all in a paragraph. I am so, so different from my younger self.

I suspect you will go through many changes in your life. Right now, you're in a valley. It's not possible to see what is over the next rise. But you gotta keep going or you won't know.

The OP is a smart guy.

He’ll be okay if he gets out of his own way.

I mean I feel judged endlessly over my work (I'm a very geeky hacker) - I've also been somewhat open about my ASD & I'm guessing that was pointless.

Three of my closest friends went into psychology & I don't see that as an ethical practice anymore. As far as I know I'm dead to them because of some diagnoses. I'm not talking about anyone or anything in particular. They almost never respond to me anymore & I'm close to writing them off.



This NT empathy idea seems just as dysfunctional as any label I've got. People's heads are basically the property of silicon valley these days. Nobody seems to care about a friend who just wants to talk in real life. I feel like dead weight no matter how positively I can spin things.

I'm scared of a society that normalizes this kind of prejudice. I don't think this is healthy for any of us.

I don't want to be this negative but that's the energy I'm picking up from people who've made a science of typifying everyone's minds.

My mind can't be free that way.

I don't want to be around that kind of self-important discrimination.

I still love people but I don't really think they even remember I exist.

I'm just going to try & sleep this thing off again.

I don't see any way out.

Crazy pills didn't buy me any sleep ...

Weed + mac & cheese should work OK.

To be clear, I don't intend to be mean to psychologists, I'm only denouncing what in particular its' *that wacky iffy science* done with me.

Blargh I suppose that's enough word vomit. Be safe folks.

The ski areas just got closed by the virus scare.

Skiing bumps & lunch beer was literally my entire recourse.

Now it's beer & rave music on YouTube.,

this thing is satanic.

I'm not religious & I'm not even all that inclined to disagree. I don't really see the point of believing in negative deities but it's a struggle dealing with other's perception of those things.

I don't know what to do today. I'm really tired, bored & confused.

Everything is really stressful and confusing rn in the world. Hopefully things stabilising will help you stabilise. Living with anxiety can be hard but hopefully it works out for you

At least I have my job for the foreseeable. Weirdly enough I'm realizing that working from home without my commute is actually way more rational for the kind of work I'm doing. I have a lot of math & code theory in my perpetual learning backlog as well as a reading list that goes into 30 or so books. I have $9500 of my own computers that need repurposing in places.

I also have no digital communication skills. I can't in good conscience use Facebook & I'm just not capable of whatever people are doing to communicate the way they do these days.

I hope I can help my friends make some better tech decisions soon. There's a lot more we can do with our computers to make each other's lives better instead of how the internet works against so many people's best interests. Technology is for learning & until now the majority have been using it to manipulate each other.

The direction society was going wasn't feasible. Outside forces of nature are inevitably changing the ways we know how to live.

I'm going to sleep & waking up in a crazier place. :/

Last bumped by cberg on 17 Mar 2020, 8:48 pm.