I know I don't have to but I feel the need to apologise for how often I turn to the haven before I begin so I'm sorry.
Last week I posted how I developed sudden anxiety about my looks and it has been hell. Today will mark yet another day I'm taking off school because I am so ridiculously overwhelmed. It got worse on Thursday as I was met with someone who was stunning, easy to get along with and also the object of affection of someone I admire I feel like an awful person because I should have enjoyed the company of said person without my silly insecurities getting in the way but she casually mentioned how that person had made an advance that she had rejected which meant for the rest of the time I was spiraling. First off, I should mention it is not for the childish reason it comes across as, yes the fact they admire her does sting but, as I have talked about on other threads, any mention of relationships is a huge trigger to me. Basically my dad cheated in my mum resulting in my half sister who I was told was my cousin until she was nearly 2 which has left me unable to hear about romantic things with others in real life without my anxiety spiralling and telling me I'm going to die alone while flashing graphic images of people finding my dead body at me. So, I already have that problem which is really annoying considering I have an amazing group of friends who are well liked by others and instead of being solely happy for them I begin to spiral and feel like an awful person who can't just feel happiness for others instead of selfishly making it about me on some level. I try to hide it though so they don't feel negative or like they have to hide from me.
Anyway, long story short, I continued to spiral and feel disgusted by myself to the point I left lesson sobbing and essentially ran away from my last period. Since then my body is a mess as, as tis custom with it, it has completely gotten rid of my appetite to the point I can usually have one snack and meal per day and maybe even that will make me want to vomit. On one of the worse days I ate an apple, small flapjack and burger and by the end I felt really nauseous. This has left me feeling weak and stressed because of how little food I can take in. To make things worse I was told by a friend her brother "figured out" my anxiety is about my face (I put it in quotation marks because I was hiding under a jacket, not necessarily subtle) and sighed looking annoyed because he didn't agree. Even then I still feel awful and I made things worse again and my appetite, which had just come back is gone yet again. I hate myself for this, it's so pathetic and I just want to feel happy for others without analysing myself.
What's infuriating is I don't even necessarily think I'm ugly, there's just something about me that disgusts me and I feel so hopeless. Most of this stuff is based on experiences from years ago and comparing things like how I was responded to in comparison to my friends when I was younger. To make things worse, I frequently have experiences with other people that no one can explain, like people stopping to stare at me, something that my friends have seen and thought was odd or just generally weird social behaviour (there are basically many times where I was dealt with in a completely different way to ALL of my peers). I can't even tell if I think it's an outer or an inner thing but I feel like no one should be subjected to me and I hate it. I'm waiting for my next session plus additional therapy to start but this is unbearable and I don't know how to explain to my classmates why an earth I've been such a downer and leaving class to cry. I'm so embarrassed at myself, the things I tell myself are wrong with me are probably completely fictitious, have complaints abt myself that sound eerily like an incel (minus hating other ppl bc i feel guilty for even wanting to be like them as I feel it makes me a bad person) and feel so, so weak. This anxiety makes me so dumb.
15 Mar 2020, 10:19 pm
You’re going through alot. There’s so much anxiety and concern about right now on top of everything else, but for you specifically, you’re having to cope with attempting to keep yourself on a normal keel, not only as a teenager, but as someone who struggles with their mental health on a daily basis. Sending hugs and can only tell you what I’ve always recommended, and that is to find time in each and every day to de-stress. It’s all about taking your foot off the accelerator when it comes to expectations and being down on yourself, and attempting to control the negative thoughts that take over. It may be difficult to get the support in person from your therapist with all that’s currently going on, not sure how access to services will go, but hope that maybe via online, you might still have some access when you need it. The main thing is that you take good care of yourself and not beat yourself up about your reactions to your friends and others at College. You’re only human, and dealing with an awful lot, at this stage of your life. Know that you matter, and that feeling teary and emotional is actually pretty common in your age group, even outside of other conditions. Go easy on yourself. Know that you are cared about and that there will always some days that are better than others. Hugs.xx
