WARNING, not suicidary, but suicide is discuted here.

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They want me to have a new home, and I kind of agree with them.

It seems that my presence with them is sometimes a source of stress and anxiety to them.

So they want to impose, to force me to take yet another Covid-19 test, despite the fact that I already passed a lot of Covid-19 tests.

I try to understand, I want them to explain to me, to convince me, to just comfort me that it's the right thing to do to pass the test again. Yes I resist, but I didn't always resist things I did not want to be imposed on me by force. So it is my personal opinion that they have a communication problem explaining to me why they want the test to be administered to me.

Normally, it's the autists and the Aspergers who have communication problem comprehending neurotypicals. But now I feel that the communication problem is on the two sides of the fence. Worse, it may even be possible that they are the only one(s) with communication problems.

I feel they are not doing the necessary effort to respect me in my position. They want me to change my position, but they do not do the necessary non-violent, non-combative, non-conflictual efforts to respect me and my efforts to prevent an escalation of conflit.

My special educator even started judging my whole communication with her. It's like, to her, that I am euphoric, and because I am euphoric (she say), then my arguments are invalid BECAUSE she say I am euphoric. If it's not her personnaly who made her herself judge me because of my "euphoria", then I have to question her moral agency.

But her role in their system is to be a special educator. So I have to come to the conclusion that she cannot educate me anymore about anything. I will now inform her that I change my educator.

It's possible that this specific conflit cannot have an end until I change my special educator. It is also possible that I don't need a special educator anymore. And finally, is possible that there was a time in my life where I didn't have the need of a special educator, but I contracted one nonetheless because I didn't fully understand the situation about myself back then.

I hope that changing educator or not having an educator at all will make me be able to continue to live a couple of months more where I am living right now.

Taking "literally" what they say as if it was aa gospel is ridiculous, if not presumptuous. I really tried to understand them, to respect them, and to try to communicate with them so we could share information and ressources between me and them. But it seems, that because they have the power of coercitive force, they do not accept that I am who I am.

I am very respected where I live, and we all feel secure together. But they are trying to hurt me and I don't know why. Because they are pushing for an unique solution for they problem, they are influencing the people responsible of the ressource where I live. They are making the people less coherent, more aggressive, more menacing and more intimidating. They want me to get back in line. But they don't even want to try to tell me what it means to get back in line. They just want to shut me, to make me "get back in line", and then "everything will be fine".

All my life I tried to correspond to their demands. I was very flexible, and I became accustomed to support my behavior for their demands. But in the 21 of February 2013 I tried to commit suicide. I was certain when I decided to die that then I was gone. I am still here, though. So my suicide attempt was obviously unsuccessful.

I don't think I don't have the courage anymore to commit suicide. But if they want me to hate everything, then I will have to come to a new solution. Because even my suicide attempt back then was difficult. For my attempt, I just thought that I needed to take a knife in a store, and then kill myself. I did not plan for the eventuality that my unique solution wasn't guaranteed by my efforts to make that solution permanent.

Now, it seems, they want me to correct my error. But what was my error, really ? Not being successful in my suicide attempt ? I don't think so. But it's impossible for me anyway, to communicate with them anymore to really understand what's the matter.

All they say is that I have to pass a new test to see if I am still negative. I don't think the lesson I have to learn from the new test is to trust. Because the last time I did the test, I got a panic attack, I felt that my integrity was compromised, so the test did not complete successfully. Because of that incident, I am no longer willing at all to take their test. But now it seems that a new test is proposed in Quebec, a blood test. I don't like syringes, but I feel more confidant to take a blood test now than to take yet another of their test by the nose and the mouth.

I did not like to see my special educator judging my moral agency. I do not think that it was warranted. So I now judge that she has no legitimacy to continue to be me special educator.

When I was younger, I thought that by explaining carefully my viewpoint, others could better understand me. But now it's like that they are threatening me with death if I continue to explain myself. They want me to lie and to cheat.

I desire your support to pass through this lesson. I feel that I am a bad student. I also feel that they are bad teachers. And I refuse to disintegrate into a shell of myself just because "system".

A confession : in 2015 I got to the hospital because I was suicidal again. I then tried to trying to commit suicide IN the hospital. I say "try to trying", because I got an accident with a chair that teared my bladder. The accident was due to my balances problems I acquired after my 2013 attempt. In my 2013 attempt, after many unsuccessful tryouts, I finally resorted to get killed by a truck. This truck accident made me go to the hospital.

So, it may seem finally that it was kind of a divine judgement to make me explain what happened with my suicide attempt. But in the same time, my suicide attempt in 2013 was the culmination of a lot of suffering. This suffering finally made me unable to continue. This suffering was caused by the "system" or they, to make me either accept the conditions of my environment without having the desire to change it, or to continue to accept the conditions with full acceptance of me becoming a shell of myself or something else.

I failed at life in 2013. But I really really tried not to fail at life. Am I dead yet ? Anyway, death to me means something weird.

I am now different. And I am stable. They don't like that I am different. They don't like that I am stable. What do they like ? Oh, yes, they like to make me die because they don't want to become different and stable themselves. I am not sure that they really "like" it. Just like I did not like to suffer, and I did not like to commit suicide.

They will just probably make the inevitable. they will make me die, and brush it of as "the ends justify the means". But what is the "ends" they want to accomplish, to go ? That I just don't exist in their world anymore ? And how I do that ? By killing myself ? Didn't work. By taking their test ? So a stupid test will make them have what they desire ?

I am really questioning their motivations. They probably don't know themselves what are their motivations. But they don't want me to question their motivations. It's like they have a secret that they wont share to anyone except people of their own kind. My own motivation right now is to get accepted for what I am without feeling guilty arbitrarily. I don't fear guilt. But I don't want to get raped anymore by people who cannot explain nor communicate their viewpoint(s) and real motivations.

So that's why I have to quit the ressource where I am living right now. To protect the keykeeper from exhaustion.

I tried to be as humanly precise in this post I was able to. If something is unclear in what I said, did, or anything, please ASK ME ! !!

I just told my special educator that I break the bond between her and me.

I now feel better. Thank you for having this space to share my feelings.

Well thanks for sharing; glad to hear that a decision came of this. Sometimes writing things down is a good way to handle it.

am glad you have this venue to share your thoughts and feelings here . And do hope you find a good resolution to your difficult appearing situation .

Update on the situation. They put my in a hospital for less than 24 hours. The generalist was batshit insane. He forced me to take medication twice. The first time he lied about what I told him. The second time I was lying on my bed to sleep, and he came will all his arrogance and hatred, telling me I had to choose between a pill and an injection. He said the pill was the better choice. That doctor is a patented psychopath.

The next day, I talked with a very compassionate and attentive psychiatrist. And I returned where I live.

Now, this morning there was an incident. Another resident got verbally and physically violent. We even nearly called the police because of his behavior. The resident thought that he did not have the coronavirus anymore because of what his special educator told him yesterday. He has the same educator I had until I broke the bond with her. Yesterday she told him that he did not have symptoms anymore, that she talked with his mother, that she was doing this to protect him from the coronavirus, blablablah. She did not explicitly told him that he tested negative in the last test, though.

This special educator is a liability to vulnerable people.

Is she sociopathic ? Yes, I think she is.

always a good idea to tread lightly with those , whom are the gatekeepers in life , just my opinion.