Issues with eating - Vent

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Just want to start by warning anyone who has issues with eating disorders that this basically about that topic.

I have been weird about food for the longest time. When I used to have epilepsy I started eating too much because of my meds and when I was off them my bad behaviours with food continued. I used to overeat till I was sick a lot and hide food because I was so embarrassed about the habit. I didn't want anyone to see me and so would rush to eat at times they couldn't and remember clearly the sick feeling. I once tried to vomit out the food but thankfully never was able to.

Years later I got interested in the idea of veganism and while I never planned to go vegan, did think there was importance in limiting my consuming of animal products for my impact on the environment I bought a cooking book and a bunch of vegan substitutes for things, only having animal products when I saw it as necessary. It turns out a lot of vegan foods upset my stomach because it's quite sensitive. I realised as I began to do this my mental health deteriorated. I've hated my weight for the longest time, I'm not fat but I'm not skinny either, fat enough for my arms and such to jiggle but thin enough to have visible but slight stomach definition. I began to obsess about the food and thinking of the morality of food which made eating stressful and made each meal hell and then slowly it leaked into my everyday life. I couldn't stop thinking about food. It was obsessive. I'm not sure but this may have also been the same time I started counting calories and weighing my food. I realised after lots of pain that due to my relationship with food I shouldn't label my diet and went back to eating like normal.

Yet again I find myself obsessing over the same thing. I made a friend recently in my class who told me he was vegan and it was like just the mention of it set me off again. It's led to me just not eating I think. All I've had today is a carrot and some ice-cream. I want to cry because it's been weeks and I am destroying my already awful relationship with food. Every meal is so stressful. I hate having an anxiety disorder and I hate that it has attached itself to food. I'm scared my friend is going to think I'm a bad person because of my eating but I know that each time I try to have a labelled diet my eating becomes very disordered. I don't eat enough and I lose weight abruptly and I become miserable. I actually realised I cut down on my animal product consumption as a result and have an iron deficiency now. When I stand up from lying down I can't see and I collapsed once because of it. I hat that I'm like this, it makes me feel so stupid.

I don't think I'd ever be diagnosed with an eating disorder because of my weight but my relationship with food is definitely awful. I realised I was using caffeine as a way to not eat recently and constantly pondered using laxatives after eating too much. I used to sneak out of bed to exercise for hours, write down everything I ate and obsessively measured my body to track rapid weight loss. I've calorie counted on and off several times before spiralling. I realised my body image is not exactly accurate when I looked at a photo from a time I was absolutely sure I was massive only to see a normal sized girl. It really threw me off. I even have foods that I avoid due to fear and can't look at ingredient labels without setting off a wave of anxiety. I cry a lot about food and my body.

I can't go to therapy yet because I got rejected from the child services because I'm turning 18 pretty soon and going into therapy as an adult for free is basically impossible where I live. I'm trying to get disability payments at the moment and plan to use it for therapy, preferably with a therapist used to working with people with autism. So just for now I wanted to vent because it's gotten so bad I'm about to cry and can't really tell anyone I know. I hate this. Sorry it's so long, I just had to get it out.

Dear Iv - sending hugs... Very concerned for you. Firstly, so glad you were able to vent. It’s so important that you speak to your Doc about this issue and that you receive support. The sooner, the better.

This is something that is seen in the autism population far too often. I have known of fellow WP members who underestimated the effects that this could have. One friend, a male actor and published author on the spectrum, is no longer with us, as a result. Cannot emphasize how important this is. Family usually plays an important role in treatment for this. You should not be facing these thoughts and this illness alone(it most definitely is an illness and is an indicator you have an associated and diagnosable secondary psychiatric disorder.) It has a poor longterm outcome if not treated, and the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric disorders. You need to know this in order to realise the severity of such an issue. The mind is a very powerful thing and this disorder requires specific assistance and support by a therapist trained in supporting those on the spectrum. Therapy given to non-autistic adolescents and adults do not work on our population(sounds like you’re aware of this already, which is good). The Maudsley Approach can be very affective.

Importantly, those suffering with Anorexia and Bulimia do not always appear underweight. Some may be of average weight, some may be slightly overweight, and variations can range from extremely under to extremely overweight. The outward appearance of a person suffering with an eating disorder does not dictate the amount of physical danger they are in, nor does it determine the amount of emotional conflict they are enduring. Binge eating is actually more common than other eating disorders.

Please don’t underestimate the importance of talking to both your Mum and your Doc about this. I’ve seen the damage this particular disorder can do. You need and deserve solid support, hun. This is something you CAN gain control of, but not something to ever sweep under the carpet. BEAT offers the following advice: We strongly recommend that you make an appointment with a doctor as quickly as possible. Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses that cause lasting damage and may be fatal if they are left untreated. But they are also entirely treatable and full recovery is possible. The earlier someone gets the right treatment for their eating disorder, the more likely they are to make a full and sustained recovery. Vent away here any time you need. xx

A helpline here in the UK ... (this not only offers assistance to those over 18 as well as students, but also offers confidential email support, has a forum and chatroom for support):
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines

Under their “Downloads & Resources” section, they have a leaflet designed to bring along to a GP appointment, designed to speed up referral to an eating disorders specialist. This leaflet also gives you guidance.

In a study by NIMH on Eating Disorders in Aspergers/Girls on the Spectrum...
Their conclusion:

It follows from literature and our clinical experience that the comorbidity of eating disorders and ASD is not unusual. Our statement is based on the detailed description of two clinical cases of girls with Asperger syndrome and symptoms of AN. It is necessary to distinguish which symptoms are part of the underlying diagnosis and which are distinctive comorbid symptoms. The therapy must be adapted accordingly. Both diagnosis and therapy should be performed by experts experienced in working with patients with both the diagnoses. We believe that the most efficient in infancy and adolescence is the combined therapeutic strategy, which involves a structured behavioral approach as well as psychotherapy, pharmacotherapy, and family therapy.

First of all, virtual hugs.

This does sound like something you need to talk to a doctor and dietician about. I know from personal experience how harsh medications can be. I highly advise against being vegan. It’s restrictive. Then again different diets work for different people. That’s where a dietitian can help you find a diet that suits your unique nutritional needs.

To be honest, all of these vegans who say it’s for everyone are being very anecdotal. That’s like a paleo person thinking paleo is right for everyone.

Best of luck and if you need me, I’m right here.

Many virtual hugs. I am glad you have decided to get help. Eating disorders are not determined by your weight. Obsessing about eating is a symptom of having an eating disorder. Please take care of yourself and post when you need help, a hug, or a listening "ear."

Well the friends here have already given you the most excellent advice.

I can just add that Overeaters Anonymous (OA) is an excellent 12 step program and support group for all eating disorders including Anorexia Nervosa and Bulemia. It is a very strong voluntary non-profit making organization in the UK and also worldwide, and is free of charge. It is a successful program and an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous which have proved very effective for dealing with addictions.

You can Google them to find out more about them, find a local group that meets near you or probably on Zoom these days. I had a severe eating disorder for many years, probably due to CPTSD and I spent 25 years of recovery in OA and have many wonderful friends from there. It is not instead of therapy, but it will help you find amazing life -coping skills and a network of people who share the same obsession with food and their lives have also become unmanagable as a result. They work towards recovery together and find freedom from control issues, obsessive behaviour and low self-esteem.

My eating disorder transformed from a shameful self-destructive obsession into a path of self-discovery, friendship and healing, I acquired tools to help me cope, one day at a time.
Problems shared are already easier to bear. Wishing you every success and a speedy recovery. It can be done.