I’m Sad and need to talk about it

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Just want to make this a space where we can dumb our burdens without fear of judgments.

Hi, I have no friends so went searching. Found someone I really vibe with. As soon as I become vulnerable, they aren’t the same. Why does it always feel like I’m the defective one? Why am I the one always dropped to suffer more fractures? I dont like self pity but these patterns hurt me. All i want is a friend, someone to hold me and someone to hold. I’ve been alone for forever. It always feels like I’m screaming behind invisible walls.
I’m currently crying a lot bc i can.

Welcome to WrongPlanet. I have moved your thread to the Haven, which is very much designed for this sort of thing.

What you’re describing really sucks, and it hurts.

One thing that might be useful is remembering that first and foremost this is not a reflection upon you. It is a reflection upon them. I know that can be cold comfort, but it is important that you don’t beat yourself up for him things outside of your control.

I am sorry you suffered another rejection. In my experience this happens from time to time when I try to make friends and just push it slightly past the comfort level of the other person.

I have found it more useful to let a relationship be as it is rather than trying to open it up to more vulnerability.

I used to like to pick wildflowers. Now I just enjoy them where and when they grow.

Be tender and caring to yourself during this time of sadness.

Sounds like the other people are ignorant in this situation . they only know their way of being and stick to it. It wd be nice if compassion wd be prioritized above comfort when necessary.

Today was probably the worst day I’ve had in several months. I happen to be doing immense childhood and generational trauma healing. But, I woke up triggered, then had somewhat of a borderline episode on a new acquaintance. I knew it wasn’t good from the start but my emotions took over me, leaving me feeling incredibly guilty and hurt that i acted like that. I keep going with my day after balling my eyes out soon after waking up by cleaning up another room. Just as I finish, every part of me gets torn into by my father. Leaving me tail spinning into a meltdown. After calming down, I eat, and relax. I apologize to the person for treating them the way I did and offered to talk about everything going on in our lives. He kinda fakes compassion and reciprocation but as soon as it comes time to call, he tells me it’s not going to work out. This hurts me so bad, i truly didn't believe i could cry anymore, I was mistaken. I’ve never felt so alone and in so much pain from every angle of my life. My body feels numb and my brain feels dead yet can’t seem to rest. So much has happened today my brain almost feels like it’s on survival mode, keeping on attentive defense for any lurking triggers.
Today sucked REALLY bad. I havent got a single soul to tell. My heart quivers in my minds fever dream. My stories keep evicting all the love I claim I desire. I love myself enough to push through, but wow. I can barely move and feel like I’m still constantly on the verge of crying.

Hi, Beelove,
I hope you find what you are looking for at Wrong Planet. Read through many rooms and topics; you will find similar experiences to yours and that the pain and loneliness you have is shared by many Autistics.
I hope you find the compassion and understanding you need.
You are not alone in experiencing unkindness and coldness from people.
Welcome to WP!

You might think about taking a break from the past trauma work. There isn’t a time limit on doing that work.

Also, let go of the current person who is causing you so much pain. You cannot fix it and the harder you try, the worse it gets.

Take care of yourself. It sounds like you need some rest.

Sorry to hear you’re going through tough times, beelove. Time is a healer. Many of us have both childhood and adult traumas. You’re not alone, that’s for sure. Remember, you have your art, nature and spirituality interests to lose yourself in and re-connect with who you are. Sometimes we need reminding that there is strength and power within ourselves ... that alone, there’s alot you can achieve. Sounds like you need time to yourself to focus on your strengths and to remind yourself that it doesn’t take others to affirm who you are. When we open up to others, we invite in the unknown and unpredictable ... sometimes it’s worth it, other times there are lessons to be learned.