Do you want to be a victim or a perpetrator?

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So I'm wondering if anyone else has had the same kind of experience. Say you try to bond with a group. But it doesn't work out. At first you may feel like a victim. You tried but they just don't accept you as a person. Then you try to cope with this, thinking, I actually don't want to be in that group. I actually hate those people.
You're changing your role from a victim to a perpetrator. And at first this can feel good. I'm not sure why. I've had this experience all the time. Like I'd rather be an a**hole who hates everyone than a nice person who isn't wanted by anyone.

This is giving me flashbacks to secondary school. There, we had a brutal 2-step social heirarchy. The popular kids kept their places by being inventively unpleasant to the unpopular kids. About the only way someone like me could be considered cool was if I joined in the bullying with sufficient flair. I got a brief glow of acceptance, followed by a longer period of self-loathing. So I didn't try it too often.

Very glad to say I've been able to avoid situations like this as an adult. A couple of people at my evening job seem to want to play twisted little games like that, but the rest of us just ignore them.

Reminds me of Aesop's fable about the fox who couldn't reach the grapes and then declared they were "sour grapes" and not worth having.

There are more than two options here. It is possible (though hard at times) to say to oneself, hey, I know those are decent people, and I also know I don't fit in their group.

I hope people are able to be forgiving to me when I don't know how to help them feel accepted or integrate them into group conversations. I am really bad at those social skills.

Of course, some people are just jerks. I have met surprisingly few of them (or else I am oblivious). But if I let myself become cynical because of the real jerks, I am just hurting myself and my chances at real friendships elsewhere.

I do have a terrible time getting into a new group. Many people lack the skills to help me, and I don't have the skills to socialize in a group unless I have a lot of energy and people ask me the right questions or stay on a topic I like. I'm much better one on one, and I need a lot of time and repeated get-togethers to really be comfortable even then. Most people, however well intentioned or kind hearted, don't persevere long enough for that, and I am bad at showing that's what I really want. People often read me as mildly hostile, I think. If I am constantly unintentionally giving off nonverbal signals that I am uncomfortable with them and am trying to politely distance myself, they are going to respond by leaving me alone. Maybe I need to find some autistic friends who won't interpret my non verbals that way, or find a funny t-shirt to explain. Or take an acting class, that could do it...

While it hurts to be rejected by a group, I've found it helpful to look at it as not being a good fit for the group and try finding other people instead of seeing myself as a victim. Also, it helps to find out why they didn't like you. It may be something you can change so you have more success in the future. I used to think no one liked me because I was autistic but I've since learned autism or being different never had anything to do with it. Most of the reasons were things I could have changed but didn't realize it because I was too afraid to ask.

Why does your scenario have to result in an either/or reaction?  Why should you have to be ONLY a victim or a perpetrator?  Why can't you also be indifferent to their lack of acceptance?

Just live your life for yourself, and forget about those who won't accept you.