I hate myself and just cut off my friends

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I consider wrong planet a sort of haven for myself anyway but as I am so busyy with school I seem to only visit the haven sections haha

Ok basically I got therapy since the last time posting here and it has made me a lot more self aware of my mental health in that I still feel the same ways but I understand a lot more clearly now that my emotions aren't based in logic and my viewpoint is warped, as opposed to before where I knew this in theory but still justified my anxieties with "logic". The issue with this though is I still go through all the same thoughts and emotions but now, despite knowing how false they are I can't stop the feelings which makes me incredibly frustrated. I have been having issues with panic attacks and non epileptic seizures recently which made me slip on my coping strategies and now things have temporarily come out of control. Today I haven't eaten anything, partially because of anxiety related nausea, but also because I feel I don't deserve it and that scares me. If I don't already have an eating disorder I am probably starting one. Or at least its progressing because I feel weirdly accomplished (strong even?) and that scares me. Just in general when I'm sad I start thinking about weight loss more, usually while overeating till I feel sick lol. I plan to eat tomorrow though because I feel shaky and I don't want to get worse.

This understanding honestly hurts in such a different way because it just makes me realise how messed up I kind of am and how distorted my views are. It hurts and also I understand that I need to become aware before I fix things but it just hurts to realise that there are more things wrong than you thought and the process but still feel powerless against it. I knew I was insecure but damn now I really see how much it's seeped into everything and don't like the sort of thoughts and feelings I have as a result.

I don't feel like I deserve good things in general. I just blocked all my friends because recently one showed romantic interest in the other and this started to make me upset. You would assume it's because I have feelings for one of them but nope, I am afraid that they will like each other more than they like me and I will be forgotten. I have a lot of issues surrounding relationships in general to the point just hearing about people I know entering them makes me struggle to not cry. To summarise, my dad cheated on my mum and lied about it for years and since then I don't trust the idea of relationships, hearing about them makes me upset (sometimes to the point of panic attacks) and I have a lot of insecurities and fears surrounding them. But yeah due to this for some reason the two friends both getting in one upsets me, I thought originally perhaps because the stuff that will happen when they break up, or perhaps I was worried I would like one later but no, it's not that, it's way more selfish. I just simply don't want it to happen because, any time anyone has anything romantic going on a pathetic part of me just rethinks about everything that happened and all my fears and for some reason I feel rejected, no idea why because I don't even have interest in them. It makes me feel sick and it's incredibly selfish. Having so many emotions about such a thing is so stupid anyway because this really doesn't matter till I'm older. It's all very stupid and makes me feel stupid and bitter because at least if I had some reason to feel this way I could feel better but it's just insecurity. It's made extra ridiculous when I consider I find myself constantly testing one of the friends to see if he will leave me because I don't understand why he would want to talk to me. I often just wonder if I should stop being his friend and rip the bandage off because something has to ruin it eventually and I would rather have him hate me because I chose it.

Anyway, this all piled up and I feel I just don't deserve friends anymore tbh, especially if my emotions are so selfish. So I blocked them all and I think I will keep it that way for at least a week. I honestly don't know how they put up with me and my ridiculous anxieties. I can't. I also don't know how mad they will be at me when I calm down and how an earth I am supposed to approach them because I think they know I'm ignoring them now. I need this break though and I don't know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person because it's so selfish and stupid. Honestly, I think they would be better off without me. My feelings are ridiculous and selfish and they make me hate me and my way of dealing with them probably hurts others but I need to cut them off at least temporarily if they will have me back. I know these feelings will calm down soon.

Yup.
That happened to me too.

Is there any wonder why I am so suspicious of people's intentions, these days?
I literally avoid *everyone* in real life, now.
I'm in some sort of game that I want no part of, but I have no say in the matter.

I'm sure your life isn't like that, though.

Turn on a Metronome app and set it to a beat that you like.. it helps me do tasks like brush my teeth and eat..and even exercise.. makes every movement easier.. try it..

A few thoughts.

One - we're all sitting on a half billion year old stack of software, Sloth from Goonies lives in the basement. Having impulses and inclinations you're skeptical of, especially when that's blended with trauma, isn't the slightest bit unusual. Really part of why the world is as messed up as it is - people are fighting wars on two fronts constantly - from without and from within. When people lose their inner wars they then spill that out onto other people, and unfortunately a lot of people are in that place. The best you can do is just stay aware of it and put away as much of what you consider to be emotional and psychological health food as you can and also - for being analytical myself - when your trying to parse these things use the analytical skills to look for tools that can help you narrow overly broad heuristics, they're quick and dirty but they're expensive in the way of upkeep (especially thinking of anxiety).

Another thing - look at CBD, check the side effects, and see if taking a 25 or 50 mg gummy per day is something you could manage with other things considered. I say that because I've had just about the most stressful job of my life for a few years now and I think it's one of those things that's helped me get through. My best analogy to what it might be doing - I think of how I used to get zoned out and spacey in the fall, feel like I had engine soot in my blood and like my nerves or veins were just about jumping out of my skin in the spring, and I found out that Neurontin/Gabapentin actually helped that without insane side effects. CBD IMHO does something similar for mood-neutral anxiety and generalized nerve pain but likely even more gently. Also consider B complex vitamins (not insane doses, stuff that keeps B12 below 5000%). With other supplements people's luck varies, I get a lot out of Lion's Mane when I have difficult cognitive tasks to deal with but plenty of people I know get nothing from it.

Pretty much it sounds like whatever weight you can take off your shoulders its best to find means to do so. From there some of what seem like massive projects in the way of internal problems might scale down.

Ah yes I was thinking about CBD when I a twenty something (I forgot what age it is your brain finishes developing) because my anxiety can make life hell and I'm scared of meds after having to take ones for my epilepsy that they also use for bipolar which was... not fun.