I Tried To Kill Myself

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I woke up at 8 this morning, I went back to sleep, I set my alarm on my phone, it came on at 10:15, I hit snooze button, I got up at 10:30, I was happy that I got up, I have insomnia, I been taking medicine, Benadryl, it been making me sleepy & I take for itchiness too. I went to bed before 11:30 last night, it was the first time in weeks that I went to bed at that time, I usually go to bed after midnight or before 2, sometimes I stay up playing games. Anyway, I got up this morning, I was happy, I usually go to the bathroom then go back to bed. I got up once last night to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t go back to sleep. When I woke up & made coffee, me being happy went away. My cat got my trash bag drawstring around her neck, I was going help her, she took it off herself, the trash was in the kitchen, I saw her cross the living room with dragging the trash bag, she jumped on her cat tree, the drawstring got caught on one of the boards, she got loose, I asked her if she is ok, she meow. Then I panicked, what if there an emergency with her or me, what if I fell down & hit my head & got unconscious, nobody will be around to help that is one of my fears. I fell down & hit my head alot of times, around 10 years ago, I was out in public, I accidentally fell off the curb, curbs can be too high for me, I lost my balance, I fell down in the street , it was embarrassing, my butt went up in the air & I hit my head on the street, I fell down more times in public, I fell down walking, I sooo badly hurt my knee & felt sooo sick, I sat down on wall bench, I don’t know what it called.
I was thinking about all the bad stuff that could go wrong. Later, a guy came to my place to check the smoke detectors. I sooo freaked out cuz he wasn’t wearing a mask & gloves, he went to get his mask & gloves, his gloves were falling apart. I freaked out some more, I asked him to keep distance. When he left to get his mask & gloves, I had a little meltdown & was crying. After he left, I cleaned the toilet, some of the counter & light switches, I cleaned them with alcohol, the guy almost left his gloves on my floor. I started to have another meltdown after he left, I was hysterically crying, I was thinking about dying, I was thinking about drinking alcohol.

hey
sorry to hear you are not feeling too good at mo
not sure if alcohol will help you at this moment

when i drink it only makes me feel better for a few hours at the most
if i drink too much my antidepressants stop working and i get too emotional
then i wake up and feel really bad, which makes me feel more like i wanna die

but this isn't good for me
so i stopped drinking so much

i hope you can get through this bad time
try not let it all get to you

i recommend walking in nature

also i hope you can find a friend or two to have a one to one
as doing so does really help you heal

if you have no one
then even priests can be kind and listen to your heart ache
can help you get it off your chest

hope you feel better soon

Sorry you had another rough day Kitty. You mentioned that you are scared of falling or becoming unconscious, and nobody knowing. You might want to consider a fall-alert necklace or bracelet like you might have seen on TV commercials. They're normally marketed for senior citizens but of course anyone who is at risk of falling can benefit from them. The necklace or bracelet can tell if you fell down and it will automatically contact emergency services, or even a family member / friend. If it happens by mistake you can tell them "I'm OK, it was an accident" so that no one will panic.

My mother lives alone. She wears one and we've had a few instances where paramedics notified us that she had fallen.

I should have had one after my first stroke but I didn't really know about them then.

They can really put your mind at ease.